jhulud

MAN ADVICE v2.0

2,738 posts in this topic

On 3/16/2017 at 0:51 PM, deafening said:

@Gumbo72203 She is scared and attempting to assert control over the relationship. She wants to break up with you, not you break up with her, even though she most likely doesn't want to break up at all.

 

She isn't getting what she needs and that's either a reflection on her and her expectations or on you. It's probably the former but with the way that you talk about her as an aside as opposed to someone you respect and adore, it's probably both.

 

If she is a 'whatever' to you, just fucking tell her that. If she means a lot to you, just fucking tell her that, but feeling inadequate and insecure in a relationships sucks at any age but it especially sucks worse when you're that young. Probably don't waste her time.

She's not a whatever to me, I'm fairly certain my behavior has clearly indicated that haha.  But some people are always on the defensive.  Every time we get talking about feelings and whatever, she brings up how she's been hurt before so badly by guys.  And I'm like "I know babe, you've told me this".  She was messing around with some guy who turned out to be married, and he would just shower her with gifts all the time.  Totally unhealthy situation. 

 

But it's funny you bring up expectations, because we've talked about that dude I just mentioned above, and in her mind, she expects to be showered with gifts and money and stuff like that when she's someone's girlfriend.  Hell fucking no, I am not just giving her money because she's my girlfriend.  So... I don't know.  She's just young, and doesn't really know herself yet or what she wants.  She talks about how this dude who was married hurt her, but at the same time she wishes she still had all the free money and gifts and whatnot that this dude gave her. 

 

I'm probably done...  it's feeling weird now to be because I'm not about to keep having to walk her back from the ledge when nothing has happened.  It's the unprovoked nature of her moods that gets me.  If there was some big incident and she's like "This isn't working, because X, Y, and Z" i'd be like "yeah okay that makes sense."  But rather, it's that she goes home....  all of a sudden shuts down and doesn't talk to me for a couple days, and comes at me with all this aggressive speech about how it's not right that we're together when literally just days before we were together and it was all good haha.  And now she's talking to me like it's all fine. 

It makes me feel like it's a test to see if I'll put up with it, or fight for it, or what.  I don't know.  But after having some time to think about this latest blow up, I'm kind of feeling like I don't want to have to put up with this anymore... it's a regular occurrence, and it's just aggravating, given all that I do for her.  We're great together, but then she goes back to her home on Long Island and it's like a switch flips in her mind, and all of a sudden this whole thing we're doing is awful and she freaks out and is upset because she wants to be single and free and untethered. 

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56 minutes ago, Gumbo72203 said:

She's not a whatever to me, I'm fairly certain my behavior has clearly indicated that haha.  But some people are always on the defensive.  Every time we get talking about feelings and whatever, she brings up how she's been hurt before so badly by guys.  And I'm like "I know babe, you've told me this".  She was messing around with some guy who turned out to be married, and he would just shower her with gifts all the time.  Totally unhealthy situation. 

 

But it's funny you bring up expectations, because we've talked about that dude I just mentioned above, and in her mind, she expects to be showered with gifts and money and stuff like that when she's someone's girlfriend.  Hell fucking no, I am not just giving her money because she's my girlfriend.  So... I don't know.  She's just young, and doesn't really know herself yet or what she wants.  She talks about how this dude who was married hurt her, but at the same time she wishes she still had all the free money and gifts and whatnot that this dude gave her. 

 

I'm probably done...  it's feeling weird now to be because I'm not about to keep having to walk her back from the ledge when nothing has happened.  It's the unprovoked nature of her moods that gets me.  If there was some big incident and she's like "This isn't working, because X, Y, and Z" i'd be like "yeah okay that makes sense."  But rather, it's that she goes home....  all of a sudden shuts down and doesn't talk to me for a couple days, and comes at me with all this aggressive speech about how it's not right that we're together when literally just days before we were together and it was all good haha.  And now she's talking to me like it's all fine. 

It makes me feel like it's a test to see if I'll put up with it, or fight for it, or what.  I don't know.  But after having some time to think about this latest blow up, I'm kind of feeling like I don't want to have to put up with this anymore... it's a regular occurrence, and it's just aggravating, given all that I do for her.  We're great together, but then she goes back to her home on Long Island and it's like a switch flips in her mind, and all of a sudden this whole thing we're doing is awful and she freaks out and is upset because she wants to be single and free and untethered. 

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8 hours ago, Derek™ said:

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 Oof, yeah. That whole "My significant other should shower me with presents and money" mindset/expectation is some shit. If that's what she wants from a partner, that's fine. She just needs to find that, rather than hoping someone will just do that.

 

I dated a girl in my really early 20s who used to get really pissed I didn't buy her tons of presents because "All my friend's boyfriends spend tons of money for them." I tried to make her understand that as someone going to school full time and working like 15 hours a week, that just wasn't possible. All her friends were dating like landscapers/construction workers who sold drugs and had dropped out of high school. I'm not talking down about dropping out, being a manual laborer, or selling drugs. BUT someone under those circumstances is going to have an astronomically higher cash flow than an English Lit major who washes dishes 2-3 nights a week and comes from a lower class family.

 

She just expected me to somehow have money and spend it all on her. We broke up and I've since had a couple long-term partners with a much more adult concept of money and relationship dynamics.

 

TLDR: If she wants something from you that you can't/won't provide, it's best for you both to move on.

chkadea and Stress On The Sky like this

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2 hours ago, Bladewillisisdead said:

TLDR: If she wants something from you that you can't/won't provide, it's best for you both to move on.

Always solid advice and it doesn't just apply to money. I walked out on a near decade long relationship as the realisation I couldn't ever bring a child into this world willingly set in. It hurts but its better for everyone if you truly care about a person sometimes the kindest thing you can do is walk away and hope they find someone who can deliver.

Edited by Stress On The Sky

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10 hours ago, Stress On The Sky said:

Always solid advice and it doesn't just apply to money. I walked out on a near decade long relationship as the realisation I couldn't ever bring a child into this world willingly set in. It hurts but its better for everyone if you truly care about a person sometimes the kindest thing you can do is walk away and hope they find someone who can deliver.

Yeah.... I'm going to go see her for a couple days this week, as I'm on break, and we're going to talk about it and see what shakes out.  It might be best to just call it a day, remain friends who see each other occasionally and can have some snuggles and whatnot...   I mean, I was as all-in as I could be for a relationship right now, but I just can't do the instability.  I've got too many important school things going on in my life to focus on right now to be dealing with someone who doesn't have a totally level head, as much as I care about her.  I can't be the one to babysit while she figures herself out, unfortunately, and keep flipping back and forth over whether she wants to do this or not.  So it goes. 


It's one thing to have stress and anxiety about life and relationships, but it's quite another to have those stresses and anxieties consistently manifest themselves as you wanting to break up, and needing the other person to walk it all back from the ledge. 

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So another update. 

 

We spoke earlier today and I finally got the truth. With the divorce and everything she couldn't commit herself to any relationship. However, she still wants to basically meet people/hook up. And that's why she's seeing the ex. And she told me she wanted us to go back to being friends, possibly with benefits if I can handle it. I honestly feel a lot better than I did now that she was finally honest. I've accepted that we won't be together again but she's still my best friend and we've been through a lot over the last 8+ years. I rejoined some dating sites so I'm putting myself back out there again. What are your thoughts about the FWB thing? If anything, i do notice I am in a better mood when I'm getting some slightly regularly.

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2 hours ago, marc32137 said:

So another update. 

 

We spoke earlier today and I finally got the truth. With the divorce and everything she couldn't commit herself to any relationship. However, she still wants to basically meet people/hook up. And that's why she's seeing the ex. And she told me she wanted us to go back to being friends, possibly with benefits if I can handle it. I honestly feel a lot better than I did now that she was finally honest. I've accepted that we won't be together again but she's still my best friend and we've been through a lot over the last 8+ years. I rejoined some dating sites so I'm putting myself back out there again. What are your thoughts about the FWB thing? If anything, i do notice I am in a better mood when I'm getting some slightly regularly.

As far as fwb is concerned, not worth risking your friendship over, what with how tumultuous just the past couple weeks seem to have been for you both.

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On 3/14/2017 at 10:11 AM, Tommy said:

I just remembered while revisiting this thread, how you doing @Team Avatar?

I think we are back together or doing something similar, but we talked a LOT and I'm good right now.  We both met other people and tried to move on and here we are...

I go to therapy now too, thanks everyone who pushed me in that direction, I love it.

chkadea likes this

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