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MAN ADVICE v2.0

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On 3/16/2017 at 0:51 PM, deafening said:

@Gumbo72203 She is scared and attempting to assert control over the relationship. She wants to break up with you, not you break up with her, even though she most likely doesn't want to break up at all.

 

She isn't getting what she needs and that's either a reflection on her and her expectations or on you. It's probably the former but with the way that you talk about her as an aside as opposed to someone you respect and adore, it's probably both.

 

If she is a 'whatever' to you, just fucking tell her that. If she means a lot to you, just fucking tell her that, but feeling inadequate and insecure in a relationships sucks at any age but it especially sucks worse when you're that young. Probably don't waste her time.

She's not a whatever to me, I'm fairly certain my behavior has clearly indicated that haha.  But some people are always on the defensive.  Every time we get talking about feelings and whatever, she brings up how she's been hurt before so badly by guys.  And I'm like "I know babe, you've told me this".  She was messing around with some guy who turned out to be married, and he would just shower her with gifts all the time.  Totally unhealthy situation. 

 

But it's funny you bring up expectations, because we've talked about that dude I just mentioned above, and in her mind, she expects to be showered with gifts and money and stuff like that when she's someone's girlfriend.  Hell fucking no, I am not just giving her money because she's my girlfriend.  So... I don't know.  She's just young, and doesn't really know herself yet or what she wants.  She talks about how this dude who was married hurt her, but at the same time she wishes she still had all the free money and gifts and whatnot that this dude gave her. 

 

I'm probably done...  it's feeling weird now to be because I'm not about to keep having to walk her back from the ledge when nothing has happened.  It's the unprovoked nature of her moods that gets me.  If there was some big incident and she's like "This isn't working, because X, Y, and Z" i'd be like "yeah okay that makes sense."  But rather, it's that she goes home....  all of a sudden shuts down and doesn't talk to me for a couple days, and comes at me with all this aggressive speech about how it's not right that we're together when literally just days before we were together and it was all good haha.  And now she's talking to me like it's all fine. 

It makes me feel like it's a test to see if I'll put up with it, or fight for it, or what.  I don't know.  But after having some time to think about this latest blow up, I'm kind of feeling like I don't want to have to put up with this anymore... it's a regular occurrence, and it's just aggravating, given all that I do for her.  We're great together, but then she goes back to her home on Long Island and it's like a switch flips in her mind, and all of a sudden this whole thing we're doing is awful and she freaks out and is upset because she wants to be single and free and untethered. 

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56 minutes ago, Gumbo72203 said:

She's not a whatever to me, I'm fairly certain my behavior has clearly indicated that haha.  But some people are always on the defensive.  Every time we get talking about feelings and whatever, she brings up how she's been hurt before so badly by guys.  And I'm like "I know babe, you've told me this".  She was messing around with some guy who turned out to be married, and he would just shower her with gifts all the time.  Totally unhealthy situation. 

 

But it's funny you bring up expectations, because we've talked about that dude I just mentioned above, and in her mind, she expects to be showered with gifts and money and stuff like that when she's someone's girlfriend.  Hell fucking no, I am not just giving her money because she's my girlfriend.  So... I don't know.  She's just young, and doesn't really know herself yet or what she wants.  She talks about how this dude who was married hurt her, but at the same time she wishes she still had all the free money and gifts and whatnot that this dude gave her. 

 

I'm probably done...  it's feeling weird now to be because I'm not about to keep having to walk her back from the ledge when nothing has happened.  It's the unprovoked nature of her moods that gets me.  If there was some big incident and she's like "This isn't working, because X, Y, and Z" i'd be like "yeah okay that makes sense."  But rather, it's that she goes home....  all of a sudden shuts down and doesn't talk to me for a couple days, and comes at me with all this aggressive speech about how it's not right that we're together when literally just days before we were together and it was all good haha.  And now she's talking to me like it's all fine. 

It makes me feel like it's a test to see if I'll put up with it, or fight for it, or what.  I don't know.  But after having some time to think about this latest blow up, I'm kind of feeling like I don't want to have to put up with this anymore... it's a regular occurrence, and it's just aggravating, given all that I do for her.  We're great together, but then she goes back to her home on Long Island and it's like a switch flips in her mind, and all of a sudden this whole thing we're doing is awful and she freaks out and is upset because she wants to be single and free and untethered. 

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8 hours ago, Derek™ said:

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 Oof, yeah. That whole "My significant other should shower me with presents and money" mindset/expectation is some shit. If that's what she wants from a partner, that's fine. She just needs to find that, rather than hoping someone will just do that.

 

I dated a girl in my really early 20s who used to get really pissed I didn't buy her tons of presents because "All my friend's boyfriends spend tons of money for them." I tried to make her understand that as someone going to school full time and working like 15 hours a week, that just wasn't possible. All her friends were dating like landscapers/construction workers who sold drugs and had dropped out of high school. I'm not talking down about dropping out, being a manual laborer, or selling drugs. BUT someone under those circumstances is going to have an astronomically higher cash flow than an English Lit major who washes dishes 2-3 nights a week and comes from a lower class family.

 

She just expected me to somehow have money and spend it all on her. We broke up and I've since had a couple long-term partners with a much more adult concept of money and relationship dynamics.

 

TLDR: If she wants something from you that you can't/won't provide, it's best for you both to move on.

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Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, Bladewillisisdead said:

TLDR: If she wants something from you that you can't/won't provide, it's best for you both to move on.

Always solid advice and it doesn't just apply to money. I walked out on a near decade long relationship as the realisation I couldn't ever bring a child into this world willingly set in. It hurts but its better for everyone if you truly care about a person sometimes the kindest thing you can do is walk away and hope they find someone who can deliver.

Edited by Stress On The Sky

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10 hours ago, Stress On The Sky said:

Always solid advice and it doesn't just apply to money. I walked out on a near decade long relationship as the realisation I couldn't ever bring a child into this world willingly set in. It hurts but its better for everyone if you truly care about a person sometimes the kindest thing you can do is walk away and hope they find someone who can deliver.

Yeah.... I'm going to go see her for a couple days this week, as I'm on break, and we're going to talk about it and see what shakes out.  It might be best to just call it a day, remain friends who see each other occasionally and can have some snuggles and whatnot...   I mean, I was as all-in as I could be for a relationship right now, but I just can't do the instability.  I've got too many important school things going on in my life to focus on right now to be dealing with someone who doesn't have a totally level head, as much as I care about her.  I can't be the one to babysit while she figures herself out, unfortunately, and keep flipping back and forth over whether she wants to do this or not.  So it goes. 


It's one thing to have stress and anxiety about life and relationships, but it's quite another to have those stresses and anxieties consistently manifest themselves as you wanting to break up, and needing the other person to walk it all back from the ledge. 

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So another update. 

 

We spoke earlier today and I finally got the truth. With the divorce and everything she couldn't commit herself to any relationship. However, she still wants to basically meet people/hook up. And that's why she's seeing the ex. And she told me she wanted us to go back to being friends, possibly with benefits if I can handle it. I honestly feel a lot better than I did now that she was finally honest. I've accepted that we won't be together again but she's still my best friend and we've been through a lot over the last 8+ years. I rejoined some dating sites so I'm putting myself back out there again. What are your thoughts about the FWB thing? If anything, i do notice I am in a better mood when I'm getting some slightly regularly.

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2 hours ago, marc32137 said:

So another update. 

 

We spoke earlier today and I finally got the truth. With the divorce and everything she couldn't commit herself to any relationship. However, she still wants to basically meet people/hook up. And that's why she's seeing the ex. And she told me she wanted us to go back to being friends, possibly with benefits if I can handle it. I honestly feel a lot better than I did now that she was finally honest. I've accepted that we won't be together again but she's still my best friend and we've been through a lot over the last 8+ years. I rejoined some dating sites so I'm putting myself back out there again. What are your thoughts about the FWB thing? If anything, i do notice I am in a better mood when I'm getting some slightly regularly.

As far as fwb is concerned, not worth risking your friendship over, what with how tumultuous just the past couple weeks seem to have been for you both.

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I would agree that whilst friends with benefits always looks brilliant on paper the reality is quite different especially if you're emotionally invested. I've been there and all I wound up doing was playing house in my head because I was too afraid to let her go. 





 

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On 3/14/2017 at 10:11 AM, Tommy said:

I just remembered while revisiting this thread, how you doing @Team Avatar?

I think we are back together or doing something similar, but we talked a LOT and I'm good right now.  We both met other people and tried to move on and here we are...

I go to therapy now too, thanks everyone who pushed me in that direction, I love it.

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So I connected with someone on Bumble this week and we met for coffee yesterday. It went really well! No awkwardness in our conversation and she seems really nice. Plus she's really cute and tall. I asked her to come with me to a record fair on Sunday and she said yes! :)

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3 minutes ago, marc32137 said:

So I connected with someone on Bumble this week and we met for coffee yesterday. It went really well! No awkwardness in our conversation and she seems really nice. Plus she's really cute and tall. I asked her to come with me to a record fair on Sunday and she said yes! :)

Damn son, the dream. Seriously wishing you all the best with it.

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Posted (edited)

So....  a crisis has arisen.  Last semester, my girlfriend basically gave up on school and stopped going to classes, and as a result failed some things.  The school kicked her out, pending a reinstatement appeal.  She did that, and they let her in.  Her parents paid extra to get this guy back who is kind of like a resource aid, to help her with her school work. 

 

Her mom texts me frantically yesterday, saying she got a letter that Bridget two F's and a C at her midterm grades.  Hasn't seen her resource aid since Feb 2nd (she's supposed to meet every week), skipped a mid-term, hasn't turned any work in for one class, isn't going to her other class.  She was flipping out last semester saying that losing John (resource guy) was the reason she failed and didn't do well.  And now her parents spend an extra $2,500 to get him back, and she fucking bails on him. 

 

I called her last night, asking what the hell is going on.  She has no excuse, she's just like "I fucked up, what do you want me to say."  I ask her about the skipped mid-term, and she's like "The professor failed me anyway" and I'm like "what does that mean, did you go?" and she's like "he only has 2 papers for the whole semester, he was going to fail me" and like "MAKE FUCKING SENSE."  She talks in circles.  She was so cavalier with it, not even really giving a shit that she fucked up and wasn't doing what she needed to.  The whole semester I've been bugging her a bit to talk to me about her shit she has due, what the tests are on, what her papers are on, etc.  She seems to not understand/care that her actions have consequences, and people are putting resources into this for her that she's just wasting away.  Her parents pay her rent, she doesn't work.  She was taking only 3 fucking classes!  They pay for her groceries, etc.  She's an immature child. 

 

The conversation breaks down into her flipping out and wanting to break up again.  "You're only keeping me for companionship!"  "Just leave me alone!"  "I don't fucking care about school, I just want to graduate and be done!"  well babe... you need to go to class.  "I am, I'm going to the one, I only have a year left"  Babe, if you lose 2 classes, it will take you longer to finish.  "Ugh don't you get that I just don't fucking care anymore?"  Well babe, if you don't want to be in school, just stop and get a job and work so you can figure yourself out.  "NO THAT WONT FUCKING HELP, I CANT DO THAT."  Then you have to go to class.  "I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SCHOOL."

 

Sigh.  This is a lost cause. 

 

 

What was hilarious is that at one point, she tried to flip the script on me, asking why I'm even bothering to go back to school now at 31.  I had issues myself when i was younger, and failed out of school (in 2010 within the span of 4 months my grandfather died, my best friend killed himself, and then my parents got divorced and my mom suffered a severe mental breakdown - so I kind of went into a tailspin myself, which caused my g/f of 6 years to break up with me).  And she's like "Why are you even bothering?  Why do you even want to go back?  You're probably not going to be happy.  Nobody is happy."  And I'm like "Ummmm what?  So, because I had problems years ago, I'm supposed to just give up on life and throw in the towel now?  No, that's not how this works.  I have shit i want to do."

 

She's like "don't you understand that I don't want to be with you?"  so then why do you keep talking to me and wanting to come up here and do shit with me.  breaking up means that stops, you get that right?  "Ugh why can't you just leave me alone"   ad nauseum.   At one point, I brought up that she had been lying to me and she's like "You know I don't want to be with you, so what if i lie to you.... i told you i don't want a relationship." 

 

 

The girl is obviously bi-polar.  Wednesday night everything was great.  But I feel like a dick cutting out now with everything a mess, and her mom looking to me for help.  I was supposed to go get a new stereo system today...  not sure that's going to happen now.  :::head-desk:::

 

 

sorry for the messy post.  a lot happened last night lol.  And this was all dealt with after I got home from 10 hours of work lol.  Not the best time to have these kinds of talks. 

Edited by Gumbo72203

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Her mom seemed to message you about her grades, not her well being. Is she looking for you to help get her grades better? 

 

 And since she is a privileged child/adult she has no drive to push her and do well. Why do good in school if everything is taken care of.

 

 

 

 

 

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23 minutes ago, Gumbo72203 said:

 

 

This is a lost cause. 

 

 

 

This is your answer right here. You need to get out, break clean, and just block the number. Don't bother. It's obvious she has no idea what she wants, but it's not going to help you in any way to continue to be weighed down by her poor decisions.  Bi-polar or not, nobody needs that kind of constant negativity, because it's going to start effecting your life in different ways as well, and you may not even notice it before it's too late.

 

Clean break. Just be done with it. Find someone else.

 

Hell, find yourself before you go looking for anything else. 

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Gumbo seems like a solid dude to me, based on the advice he's given on here. So i'm fairly confident you will be able to find another (hopefully older) woman who is closer to being on the same page as you. As Trump would say, she's a MESS. Probably best to get out now and find someone else or just keep being alone and awesome until the time is right.

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Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, abovetheearth said:

Her mom seemed to message you about her grades, not her well being. Is she looking for you to help get her grades better? 

 

 And since she is a privileged child/adult she has no drive to push her and do well. Why do good in school if everything is taken care of.

Yeah.... she really has no idea how lucky she is.  Now, she has class 2 days a week, that's it.  Nothing else.  She needs to get a job.  In regards to the grades, her mom contacted me because this was a sudden bomb dropped because she'd been telling all of us everything was fine. 


I was hoping my ethic would rub off on her...   i got a 4.0 last semester, and have a 4.0 again at mid-term this semester.  I recently got accepted to a 4-year school to finish my Phys Ed teaching degree, and was given a $10k/year merit scholarship.  But...  she has no idea what she wants to do, so she kinda just gives up. 

 

2 hours ago, THE_James_Champ said:

Hell, find yourself before you go looking for anything else. 

Haha I'm good with myself man...  I just don't know what to do here.  Part of me wants to just end it and be done, but I feel bad because my "the one" broke up with me over the same kind of situation, and i know how badly that hurt me.  I felt like I was abandoned when I most needed someone. 

 

She literally just called and apologized for the way she behaved last night, so that is a good sign.  She doesn't seem to get that this is a big deal though, messing up again like this.  She said she's used to guys just not giving a shit and not caring or anything, so that's why she acts like this... kind of pre-emptively setting up reasons she can bail, I guess.  Her lying to me though is not okay...  I had initially asked her to come up this weekend to go to a hockey game with my family, and she was asking what the deal was for this weekend, and I kind of stalled.  She's getting her cat neutered today, and he fucking hates my cats, and they always fight...  so I kind of don't want her to come up anyway because of that. 

1 hour ago, Tommy said:

Gumbo seems like a solid dude to me, based on the advice he's given on here. So i'm fairly confident you will be able to find another (hopefully older) woman who is closer to being on the same page as you. As Trump would say, she's a MESS. Probably best to get out now and find someone else or just keep being alone and awesome until the time is right.

Haha thanks man.  Yeah I mean.... there's been this girl at my bank who I'm prettttttttttty sure would say yes if I asked her out that I've always kind of had a thing for, but I feel like that's a risky situation because if it goes poorly, then it's super awkward, and I don't want to have to find a new bank haha.  I love all the people there.  It's kind of like when 2 people are really good friends but attracted to each other and they don't want to risk the friendship.  She's 31 or 32, i forget... and just seems super chill.  Not sure she's into the same music stuff as I am, which is one thing I love about Bridget...   we go to goth raves, metal shows, etc.  I want someone like that. 

 

 

Relationships are annoying, man haha

Edited by Gumbo72203

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@Gumbo72203 , I think you honestly need to look at the relationship in its entirety, not just the day to day goings. She apologized; great. But what's the point if she has openly told you numerous times that she doesn't want a relationship or to be with you? From the sounds of it, I understand that you have interests you want your partner to share with you, but if she's not emotionally mature enough to handle the important aspects of a relationship, she shouldn't be involved in one.

 

As an aside, maybe I'm cut from a different cloth, but if I have to fight for someone to want to be with me, I've already lost interest. 

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1 minute ago, chkadea said:

@Gumbo72203 , I think you honestly need to look at the relationship in its entirety, not just the day to day goings. She apologized; great. But what's the point if she has openly told you numerous times that she doesn't want a relationship or to be with you? From the sounds of it, I understand that you have interests you want your partner to share with you, but if she's not emotionally mature enough to handle the important aspects of a relationship, she shouldn't be involved in one.

 

As an aside, maybe I'm cut from a different cloth, but if I have to fight for someone to want to be with me, I've already lost interest. 

Yeah i get what you're saying.  I think I give her slack because it's such an obvious defense mechanism...  maybe I'm too lenient haha.  Because I know she does.  Her actions tell the whole story.  It's these little freak-out moments when she pulls the "i don't want a relationship card" and but I think I'm going to tell her I need the weekend to think....   I don't want to really be around her right now because I'm disappointed in her behavior.  As much as she wants to come up here...  I need to process. 

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To me it just sounds like you like the drama.  Or you like being the "mature" one since you're older.  Or maybe she's really hot and gives it up easy.  Because if what you're saying is true, a rational person would have bailed a long while back. 

 

So I'm wary of your motives here, Gumbo.  Because most dudes in their late 20s/early 30s wouldn't string along an "immature" "bipolar" younger woman struggling through college.  That's kind of fucked up.

 

But, hey, maybe you're just blowing off steam.  Or maybe you're making it all up to boost that post count.

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7 hours ago, Gumbo72203 said:

Yeah i get what you're saying.  I think I give her slack because it's such an obvious defense mechanism...  maybe I'm too lenient haha.  Because I know she does.  Her actions tell the whole story.  It's these little freak-out moments when she pulls the "i don't want a relationship card" and but I think I'm going to tell her I need the weekend to think....   I don't want to really be around her right now because I'm disappointed in her behavior.  As much as she wants to come up here...  I need to process. 

I enjoy reading your drama because my marriage is so enjoyable and normal.  Please stay in this relationship and keep posting.  You deserve each other.  

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4 hours ago, nancy_raygun said:

To me it just sounds like you like the drama.  Or you like being the "mature" one since you're older.  Or maybe she's really hot and gives it up easy.  Because if what you're saying is true, a rational person would have bailed a long while back. 

 

So I'm wary of your motives here, Gumbo.  Because most dudes in their late 20s/early 30s wouldn't string along an "immature" "bipolar" younger woman struggling through college.  That's kind of fucked up.

 

But, hey, maybe you're just blowing off steam.  Or maybe you're making it all up to boost that post count.

lol i wish I was making it up.  I mean....  I think you might have something with the mature card.  Being able to be the grounded one, trying to be someone's stablizing force....   I think that's not a bad read. 

 

I just feel bad leaving now because that's what my long-term girlfriend did years ago when I had the same situation go on.  I wouldn't say I'm stringing her along...  I care about her, and want this to work, because it should.  Maybe I'm experiencing that phenomena where you like the idea of someone, but not the actual someone.  Because she checks off all the boxes with things I want... I mean, she has a damn Belphegor shirt, she's seen Morbid Angel, we met at a Dark Tranquility show, she likes GIAA....  

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