The Saint Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 So it's been a rough week for me. I'm feeling a bit down, and I want to laugh. So I'm looking to you guys to help cheer me up. What's the funniest joke you've ever heard? Post it here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abovetheearth Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel in his lap. The bartender says, "why do you have a steering wheel in your lap?" The pirate says, "Arrrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts." - hope this helps. Shitty Rambo 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock N Roll Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 The entire TDAGARIM thread. and the Paramore-AWKIF thread following close behind sonsofvipers, The Saint and stuffsux00 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrewest Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What did the fish say when he couldn't swim any more? "Damn." caninesapien, sonsofvipers and The Saint 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deafening Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist alright seamoney, sydmsix, sirensongofra and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abovetheearth Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 my career Shitty Rambo 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elgato48 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 My life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronniegwilliams Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Women's rights dethrock, aflycon, FangsAnalSatan and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Freedom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paintedinexile Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. .......I'll see myself out. jerseydave77 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hipsterasfolk Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Rad 4 Mod is a pretty good one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Vool Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What do spinach and anal sex have in common? You didn't like any of it as a child... entendu, mitch. and Shitty Rambo 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamlikesmusic Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines. smailtronic and tomfiend 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Rad 4 Mod is a pretty good one This is not funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smwalsh6 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her. paynegretzky 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timbrh2001 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timbrh2001 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only 25% of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded. mcguirk, topher and Big Country 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tittus Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel in his lap. The bartender says, "why do you have a steering wheel in your lap?" The pirate says, "Arrrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts." - hope this helps. That's my go to joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches. change the word to bitches and it's a lot better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timbrh2001 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 change the word to bitches and it's a lot betterCunts is more direct though as it references a vag. Bitches encompasses a woman in it's entirety.Plus cunt is a more vulgar word which makes it better. stuffsux00 and codeine 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 John was making gingerbread cookies. He prepared the cookies, put them in the oven and patiently waited. The room started to smell delicious, and soon the cookies were done. He took them out of the oven and all of a sudden one of the cookies starts talking! "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!", it said. The man was surprised, but kept his cool. "You're a talking cookie", he said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He picked up the cookie and walked out the door.On the road, the cookie starts singing, " I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, ooh la la, I'm a talking cookie!". The man was again surprised at the beautiful voice of the cookie, but he kept his pants on and knew he had to make the hard decisions. "You're a talking cookie", he once again said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean".He reached the beach, and the cookie said, "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" in a perfect Morgan Freeman impersonation. The man just kept on walking, and remarked, "You're a talking cookie, and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". Finally, he reached the boardwalk and it was time to finish the deed. He took a deep breath, winded up his throwing arm, and, not surprisingly the cookie made his final remarks. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, please don't throw me into the ocean, I'm a talking cookie!".The man responded, "You're a talking cookie, I'm going to throw you into the ocean".He threw the cookie into the ocean._John was an overworked, underpaid machinist has been saving up for a ring for a long time. His high school sweetheart Mary was the love of his life, and he wanted to ask her properly for her hand in marriage. She was a November baby, so he went to a specialized diamond designer and had a ring crafted with topaz infusions. The ring was beautiful - truly, but he would be paying it back for quite some time.He was walking home from the shop and opened the little box to take one final look at the ring. That was when he tripped over himself ( he was known for his clumsiness ), and the box flew from his hands as he flailed to keep his balance. It hit the pavement, bounced a few times, and landed several inches from a street sewer. He ran to the box and to his dismay, the ring was gone. Holding back tears of grief, frustration and shame, he searched the area for hours for the ring. He ripped up the sewer with his bare hands ( now bloody ), but had no luck. The ring was gone.As he walked the remaining mile home, he consoled himself with thoughts of truth. 'Who needs a ring', he thought to himself. 'If she truly loves me, she will say yes without a ring.' Cheered up ever so slightly, he made plans to ask her out.A week later, they were going to a fancy, 5-star-5-course restaurant, and he knew this would be the right time. They arrived at the restaurant, and this never seen before wave of fear struck through him. He was terrified.They get seated and started having idle chat. "You look nervous, are you feeling alright?" asked his girlfriend Mary. "Fine, fine", he lied, as he took a deep breath. He was about to begin his 'speech', when the waitress came up and asked for drinks. Flustered, he asked for water. Mary asked for the house Chardonnay.They were talking again, and he was mustering up his courage to ask her, when the damned waitress came back with the drinks and asked for the first appetizer. Annoyed now, he forgot what appetizer he wanted and said he was fine. Mary, of course, ordered the steamed clams in a white wine sauce.Conversation continued, but John wasn't very talkative. He forgot his speech at this point, and was just going to wing it. "Mary!", he blurted awkwardly, and she looked at him with eyes full of curiosity at his sudden outburst. "Mary, you are the..." - all of a sudden, he was interrupted by the damned waitress who brought back the clams. 'damn her, damn her to the fiery pits of Mordor', he thought to himself, as he ordered his first plate. He decided that this wasn't the night to do it, and when Mary asked what he was going to say, he responded that it was nothing.Mary opens up her first clam and her eyes whiten in shock. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" if you guys hate me for reading that, at least, please appreciate that I spent my lunch break typing this up! cbbrew22 and jhulud 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xadamhudsonx Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What do you call a dog with no legs?Doesn't matter. He's not coming. paynegretzky and entendu 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shitty Rambo Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Ever? I'm not sure. Lately, this... http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81467270/ Edit: Link fixed, that YouTube video wasn't The Moth Joke. The Saint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 what do you call a deer with no eyes? no idea what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs still no idea what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no penis still no fucking idea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Saint Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 John was making gingerbread cookies. He prepared the cookies, put them in the oven and patiently waited. The room started to smell delicious, and soon the cookies were done. He took them out of the oven and all of a sudden one of the cookies starts talking! "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!", it said. The man was surprised, but kept his cool. "You're a talking cookie", he said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He picked up the cookie and walked out the door. On the road, the cookie starts singing, " I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, ooh la la, I'm a talking cookie!". The man was again surprised at the beautiful voice of the cookie, but he kept his pants on and knew he had to make the hard decisions. "You're a talking cookie", he once again said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He reached the beach, and the cookie said, "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" in a perfect Morgan Freeman impersonation. The man just kept on walking, and remarked, "You're a talking cookie, and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". Finally, he reached the boardwalk and it was time to finish the deed. He took a deep breath, winded up his throwing arm, and, not surprisingly the cookie made his final remarks. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, please don't throw me into the ocean, I'm a talking cookie!". The man responded, "You're a talking cookie, I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He threw the cookie into the ocean. _ John was an overworked, underpaid machinist has been saving up for a ring for a long time. His high school sweetheart Mary was the love of his life, and he wanted to ask her properly for her hand in marriage. She was a November baby, so he went to a specialized diamond designer and had a ring crafted with topaz infusions. The ring was beautiful - truly, but he would be paying it back for quite some time. He was walking home from the shop and opened the little box to take one final look at the ring. That was when he tripped over himself ( he was known for his clumsiness ), and the box flew from his hands as he flailed to keep his balance. It hit the pavement, bounced a few times, and landed several inches from a street sewer. He ran to the box and to his dismay, the ring was gone. Holding back tears of grief, frustration and shame, he searched the area for hours for the ring. He ripped up the sewer with his bare hands ( now bloody ), but had no luck. The ring was gone. As he walked the remaining mile home, he consoled himself with thoughts of truth. 'Who needs a ring', he thought to himself. 'If she truly loves me, she will say yes without a ring.' Cheered up ever so slightly, he made plans to ask her out. A week later, they were going to a fancy, 5-star-5-course restaurant, and he knew this would be the right time. They arrived at the restaurant, and this never seen before wave of fear struck through him. He was terrified. They get seated and started having idle chat. "You look nervous, are you feeling alright?" asked his girlfriend Mary. "Fine, fine", he lied, as he took a deep breath. He was about to begin his 'speech', when the waitress came up and asked for drinks. Flustered, he asked for water. Mary asked for the house Chardonnay. They were talking again, and he was mustering up his courage to ask her, when the damned waitress came back with the drinks and asked for the first appetizer. Annoyed now, he forgot what appetizer he wanted and said he was fine. Mary, of course, ordered the steamed clams in a white wine sauce. Conversation continued, but John wasn't very talkative. He forgot his speech at this point, and was just going to wing it. "Mary!", he blurted awkwardly, and she looked at him with eyes full of curiosity at his sudden outburst. "Mary, you are the..." - all of a sudden, he was interrupted by the damned waitress who brought back the clams. 'damn her, damn her to the fiery pits of Mordor', he thought to himself, as he ordered his first plate. He decided that this wasn't the night to do it, and when Mary asked what he was going to say, he responded that it was nothing. Mary opens up her first clam and her eyes whiten in shock. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" if you guys hate me for reading that, at least, please appreciate that I spent my lunch break typing this up! That made me smile! Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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