idreamofpunk

I still love my wife, but it just hurts too much to continue with the relationship in a romantic capacity. We're operating as friends for the sake of our daughter, and I'll be at the house for the foreseeable future. But the marriage is over in just about everything except a strict legal sense. Still feel awful about it.

My wife and I are getting a divorce. The final straw that broke the camel's back was when things went sour with the polyamorous relationship we had on her end, and when my decision wouldn't change from wanting to be with both of them, she said she was done. I can't turn off how I feel like you turn out a light as you leave a room. That's not how I operate. I am not perfect in this. I am no saint. Polyamory is not a "get out of cheating free" card. Our girlfriend and I were not honest at the beginning about what we were doing. My wife found out by looking through my cell phone without my permission after I had gone upstairs to put our daughter to bed and I didn't bring my phone with me. She would look through my texts once more and facebook conversations on my computer once before we decided we had to end this. The truth is, she hurt me a lot. She was manipulative, and said a lot of things that cut me really deep. One example is the time I suggested she feed our daughter, because she was clawing at her chest, and screaming intermittently, and she just shot back, "why don't YOU do it?" Yeah, I need to be reminded that my tits are basically useless and that I can't breastfeed, because I'm just some fucking freak who's just growing her own in front of our girlfriend. Julie (our girlfriend) even told me long ago she thought my wife treated me like shit. And that was the reason she was heistant to date both of us. My wife cut herself after our first date because I didn't know if I wanted to be in a steady relationship with her because I was honestly interested in someone else. I was too nice, clingy, and stupid to realize that I should have run right the fuck away back then. But the night of the 16th, I told her my answer was that I loved both of them and I wanted to be with both of them. She said she wasn't going to do that anymore, and I had to decide. When you're faced with a choice of being with someone who treats you like a human being who deserves love and respect, and someone who treats you like a trash can/personal maid just because you've been with them for over a decade, what would you do? Our first girlfriend told me that she didn't want to say anything while there was still a chance for things to be worked out, but she felt that I needed to get out of this relationship ASAP. The maid of honor at our wedding told me she felt this was an unhealthy relatinship even back in high school when we first got together. Despite all this, I'm happier. My girlfriend and her fiance and I have been planning on getting a place together, and setting roots down perhaps in the little hippie town east of Dayton. I'll get over the crunchy aspect of it. I'm pretty much dating a hippie who has a healthy mixture of punk ethos in her disposition. Makes it easier that she loves me. She's been making this a lot easier. I can't be more thankful for her. I's been a long time since I felt loved in a mutual capacity, and she was one of the only things that kept me from driving into the river on the night of the 16th. I love her so much and I can't thank her enough. I need to get some pants and a bra on and go get new tires put on my car. Sorry to unload all this. I should probably use that blog I have or something. Oh well.

I've procured a copy of th green day demos collection and RPM football if anyone is still looking. Also, the shop I go these had a bunch Of BTBAM, and possibly other stuff people may be looking for. PM me if you need what I got or need me to check back for other stuff.

Anyone actually snag a copy of Paranorman, or two of the same color glow?

Late to the request party, by if anyone could help out with Paranorman, I would love you forever.

I've got major anxieties about public restrooms but mainly for the fact that I'm terrified of someone outing me and starting shit. There are videos of trans women getting beaten for "using the wrong restroom," and I'm just terrified of it happening to me. If somoene else comes into a public bathroom, I wait until they leave. i try to use single occupancy or famly bathrooms as much as i can. To be fair, i could definitely hold my own if someone were to start shit and back me into a corner or something. I'm a bigger girl to put it lightly. I'm just terrified of confrontation. On my previous job delivering pizzas, I wasn't out to the owner of the company, so I presented as "male" by wearing a really constricting sports bra, and no makeup, just not femming up, etc. Then once I told him in March that I was trans and I'd have a new legal name the next time I was in, I dressed hwo I wanted, wore my good bra, and all that. I started correcting people while on deliveries who I had delivered to many times before while I was presenting as "not femme." One guy told me to keep the change because he felt bad for calling me a guy on that delivery, and he asked what my name was and I told him "it's actually Claire." But yeah, peeing standing up isn't all it's cracked up to be, but in a pinch, my biological Go Girl can be pretty useful. I make the trans guys jealous.

Well, I think I know what I'm going to try to get on RSD now... Fuck...

I need this in my life.

SPinning records, and filling out job applications, and I finally got around to listening to Here Comes the Devil. I love this thing.

Daaaaaang. Gonna have to bite on this one.

SOmetimes I wonder what the worse tradeoff is. That i won't ever have horrible menstrual cramps, but given that I cannot, I've got to live with oft times crippling dysphoria, depression and anxiety. fuckmylife

I'm surprised with how it turned out. I had every faith in the artist, it was me and my low threshold for pain that convinced me it would looked all different kinds of fucked. Thank you for all the kind words, ladies. Now to get my ID, and then start the process of changing the gender marker on it. Go Ohio!

Dear Jesus, this hurt like fuck.

So aside from later in the evning last night realizing we need to borrow money to get tattoos 'cause we spent too much on shit for the house (commence freak out) and on lunch after getting my name changed (commence food coma), yesterday was perfect. the court hearing took all of 4 minutes, probably. My mom came, my younger older brother (the one of the two who isn't the antichrist), his wife, my girlfriend and her fiance all came along with my wife and I (with babies in tow, of course). When it was done, my friend (and drummer in my band)'s mom who works at the probate court came to give me flowers and I fucking died. But today is a busy day, and I need to drop off my daughter with my mom so that maybe after tattoos things can get done around the house. Edit: she typed at 10:30 am. Tattoo is gorgeous. Everything is stressful, and hell yes.

I actually had shoes that matched the belt that's on the dress! I utilize what I have cause items hard for me to find shoes. Fucking man feet.

Oh, a few weeks ago, I got my first NEW, not bought at a discount store dress. There were some other things I wanted, but my wife an I both agreed that the $40 I was spending was enough. Our girlfriend comes over with her fiancé later in the day, and presents a bag with the two other items for me. I'm lucky to have both of them in my life.

If they knew your friend before then to explain while using old pronouns, I feel, is fine. The thing is to not out people as trans by using the wrong pronouns to people who didn't know them before. That's my take, and input.

I should clarify, I ain't mad at anyone. Just speaking my mind.

It absolutely is something that can and will happen. I've even thought of doing it to myself when my depression and Dysphoria decide to double team me. It's not an enviable position. I should also state that I am not a fan of Jared Leto anyway. At all. The only reason I own a copy of Requiem For a Dream is because Ellen Burstyn is amazing. I would even probably be willing to accept ANYONE else in this role and not despise it as much. But it's HIM. Also, Loganeatsdirt, I don't mean to be nitpicky, but trans/transgender is an adjective and not a noun. Please don't use "transgenders." Most people probably wouldn't care, but meh. I have to go get misgendered all day at work. Thank god my legal name change is Wednesday and I won't have to wear this stupid sports bra to work anymore. It hides too much.

She's portrayed as a clothes obsessed, ditzy, heartbreakingly pathetic, flirty, drug addicted prostitute. I think the only stereotype that isn't played on is that she looks like a lonebacker in a dress. Also, instead of being part of this story that is based on truth, she's completely fictional. So it's not like she was BASED on someone. This entire personality is a fabrication, and it's honestly just insulting. I've told my girlfriend I don't care if she watches the movie, but not to expect me to be sitting with her when she sees it. I've seen enough clips to really know when to not see a movie that gets laughs out of a gun being pointed at a trans woman's genitals and she's told she can have the sex change she's always wanted. Sorry. I don't need to feel less than human more than I usually do.

I have obvious issues with Jared Leto and his portrayal of a transgender woman. No applause from me.

Huzzah! Why didn't I find this before last night? Actually, I've been trying to cut down on buying records, and henceforth, I've been trying not to pop in here as much. Just moved into a new-ish four bedroom house, and we've still not finished unpacking! Plus, there are so many records I still need to listen to that I bought while my turntable was in storage.

Are the trans girls welcome to be in on this?

Anyone want to go in on a group buy for the euro press? Was this done already and I missed it?