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MAN ADVICE v2.0


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On 2/10/2017 at 0:26 PM, roadmonkey said:

My divorce floored me. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck. After feeling sorry for myself for way too long, the best thing I ever did was re-evaluate my personal goals for my own life and pursue those harder, which included a lot of stuff I had let fall by the wayside during the marriage, hanging out with my closest friends, and hitting the gym more. 

 

I would highly advise against not overindulging in the drink, weed, etc. Can't tell you how many times I started drinking after work and ended up curled in a ball on the floor crying my eyes out. 

Sorry to hear about your divorce man, hope things are looking up for you now

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3 hours ago, Tommy said:

Sorry to hear about your divorce man, hope things are looking up for you now

It's much much better. The divorced happened about 5 years ago now. Since then, I followed the advice I posted above and am now in one of the most fulfilling and happiest relationships I've ever been in. I'm now engaged to the lucky woman and we are too excited about life going forward. It's so rad. 

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One thing I've learned from a relationship is to let my friends reeeeally get a good look and feel on this person. They see a great perspective and I've known most of them for 23 years plus. Male and female, I encourage them to tell me what they see and how my body language is and if I ever 'not seem myself'. No gauge is more accurate or trusted. 

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Maybe try the advice from the post above your post. Relationships that swing so far in each extreme are often treacherous waters, so having a friend you trust beside you to offer insight and support might help.

In general though, a partner should make you feel affirmed and confident in yourself, not like a mushy puddle of sad water with no limbs or ability to make decisions. If you feel that way, either you're in an unhealthy partnership or you, yourself, aren't in a head/heart space to be one half of a partnership. See if involving a friend helps add perspective and strength to your follow up decisions.

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My friends all like her as a person, but they are all encouraging that we stay apart.  Every one of them, and even the friends who are closer to her than to me.  I feel stupid typing that.  It was hard enough when we ended and she didn't say a word to me.  It's so much harder now that she realizes I'm actually gone.

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My girlfriend pulled the "I just don't want to be in a relationship" move on me this past Saturday.  Except she still keeps talking to me haha.  She's a good deal younger than me, so I take it with a grain of salt.  About once a month so far she'll have a mini-panic and need reassurance that I do actually care about her, because when we started dating she was so worried it was just a hookup for sex kinda thing.  Girls are so goofy sometimes haha.  

 

I'm kinda just pulling back and not talking to her as much, which I think has done the trick.  She just seems to be overwhelmed I guess.  Said she doesn't want to have to worry about thinking about another person if she does something stupid.  And in my head I'm like "So don't do something stupid, you idiot" lol.  She basically ran off a list of things like "I'm young, I'm a very sexual person, i want to have those experiences" and in my head I'm like "dude, you're 21... you've got time.  stop acting like your life is over".  It's interesting how the age gap can reveal itself in approaches to the world and perception of time.  

 

I guess it's fine because for me, the magic was starting to fade anyway.  We spent a ton of time together over break and she revealed some personal habits that kind of drove me up the wall.  Which is a bummer, because the magic was totally there in the beginning.  But it happens.  There's other girls.  

 

She still says she loves me, and calls me babe, and hasn't changed our relationship status on the Facepage.  Girls are so ridiculous lol.  

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2 hours ago, Gumbo72203 said:

My girlfriend pulled the "I just don't want to be in a relationship" move on me this past Saturday.  Except she still keeps talking to me haha.  She's a good deal younger than me, so I take it with a grain of salt.  About once a month so far she'll have a mini-panic and need reassurance that I do actually care about her, because when we started dating she was so worried it was just a hookup for sex kinda thing.  Girls are so goofy sometimes haha.  

 

I'm kinda just pulling back and not talking to her as much, which I think has done the trick.  She just seems to be overwhelmed I guess.  Said she doesn't want to have to worry about thinking about another person if she does something stupid.  And in my head I'm like "So don't do something stupid, you idiot" lol.  She basically ran off a list of things like "I'm young, I'm a very sexual person, i want to have those experiences" and in my head I'm like "dude, you're 21... you've got time.  stop acting like your life is over".  It's interesting how the age gap can reveal itself in approaches to the world and perception of time.  

 

I guess it's fine because for me, the magic was starting to fade anyway.  We spent a ton of time together over break and she revealed some personal habits that kind of drove me up the wall.  Which is a bummer, because the magic was totally there in the beginning.  But it happens.  There's other girls.  

 

She still says she loves me, and calls me babe, and hasn't changed our relationship status on the Facepage.  Girls are so ridiculous lol.  

The older I get, the more immature I notice early 20's people are.

 

8 minutes ago, The Butcha said:

Sad boiz unite

<3 or </3 maybe?

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4 hours ago, Gumbo72203 said:

My girlfriend pulled the "I just don't want to be in a relationship" move on me

This must be going around. My fiance's brother just got dumped this way. He was with her for 6 months. She even gave my fiance a birthday gift, then ended it with her brother the next day. 

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That is what's great about meeting people later in your 20s or in your 30s: you can present the current best version of yourself without the baggage of all the dumb things you did when you were a 21 year old idiot. In that specific way, I feel for some couples who meet at 19, go through a ton of malicious/embarrassing/traumatic stuff, stick together long-term, and then have that baggage and resentment for each other on their backs into their 30s and beyond.

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3 minutes ago, richardsurf said:

I feel for some couples who meet at 19, go through a ton of malicious/embarrassing/traumatic stuff, stick together long-term, and then have that baggage and resentment for each other on their backs into their 30s and beyond.

I can relate to this. My wife and I met at 17, married at 21. Many, many mistakes we both made in our immature years that haunt us now. I've said to her on many occasions I wish I would have met her in my 30s.

Edited by Tommy
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1 minute ago, Tommy said:

I can relate to this. My wife and I met at 17, married at 21. Many, many mistakes we both made in our immature years that haunt is now. I've said to her on many occasions I wish I would have met her in my 30s.

My folks met at 16 and didn't get a much needed divorce until they were in their late 40s, so I'm a bit biased toward viewing high school sweetheart relationships through a negative lens. I think if you can both acknowledge the dumb stuff and forgive each other and yourselves, a deep past can be a really remarkable and positive part of your relationship.

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4 hours ago, Gumbo72203 said:

 And in my head I'm like "So don't do something stupid, you idiot" lol.  She basically ran off a list of things like "I'm young, I'm a very sexual person, i want to have those experiences" and in my head I'm like "dude, you're 21... you've got time.  stop acting like your life is over".  It's interesting how the age gap can reveal itself in approaches to the world and perception of time.  

Huh, I guess I always assumed you were like 15 or something.  I don't mean that in a mean way, just an observation.

 

16 minutes ago, richardsurf said:

That is what's great about meeting people later in your 20s or in your 30s: you can present the current best version of yourself without the baggage of all the dumb things you did when you were a 21 year old idiot. In that specific way, I feel for some couples who meet at 19, go through a ton of malicious/embarrassing/traumatic stuff, stick together long-term, and then have that baggage and resentment for each other on their backs into their 30s and beyond.

The opposite side of that is my experience.  My wife and I got engaged when we were 21 and in our junior year at college.  I thought it was cool that we got to grow together a bit before our personalities and interests became a bit more cemented, which studies show happens in your later 20s.  So there's that.

 

We were also broken up when I proposed.  Our 3rd breakup over the course of about a year.  It was the first serious relationship for either of us.  And then we were only engaged for about 6 weeks before the wedding... Im realizing right now that I might not be the best person to give people relationship advice.

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10 hours ago, Team Avatar said:

gumbo lets be sad together

lol sorry bud, I'm fine.  I don't give agency over myself to another person anymore.  It'll be shitty when it's done, but I'm going down to see her this weekend most likely, if she's feeling better.  She's kinda super sick right now.  It's whatever.  Less that I have to worry about! 

 

9 hours ago, Thomas³ said:

The older I get, the more immature I notice early 20's people are.

Good lord, you couldn't be more right.  It's weird because with her, at some points, she seems almost as old as I am.  Then she leaves her fucking dirty dishes on my dresser, expecting me to clean them up apparently, and I want to rip her fucking face apart. 

 

7 hours ago, nancy_raygun said:

Huh, I guess I always assumed you were like 15 or something.  I don't mean that in a mean way, just an observation.

I will be 31 next Friday....   ::shudders::

 

And yes, I know my girlfriend is 21.  She likes REAL metal though.  We met at a Dark Tranquility show, and she likes Alcest.  She has a Belphegor shirt for fucks sake.  I have to. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

So I have a coworker who I've been best friends with for the past 8 years. We've done everything together, including going to shows (she's a huge punk/ska fan) and she's one of the closest people in my life. There was always chemistry between us, but the issue was she was married. Well last year, she filed for divorce (nothing to do with me, her ex was an abusive shit), and last November we started dating casually. She was seeing other guys, but in December she told me she only wanted to be with me. Well, the divorce was finalized last month and she's been having a rough time coping with it. This past weekend she took a mini vacation to the gulf coast to see some old friends who she hasn't seen in decades. She came back last night and told me it was very relaxing and therapeutic for her. However, part of it was she had some self-realization and decided that she couldn't handle a relationship right now and needed to focus on her.  She was super-apologetic, but basically told me she wanted to go back to being friends. She said she loved the time we had and it might just be a temporary thing, but she couldn't make any promises. Needless to say, I'm heart broken. She'll always be one of my best and closest friends and I'd do anything for her, but the last four months were honestly the happiest I have ever been. I'm afraid I won't be able to recover from it, and I'm dreading going back to square one, especially since I've had the worst luck dating since I've moved here 9 years ago. I'm glad to still be a part of her life (I see her every day at work, so it's not like it's avoidable), but this is gonna be difficult for me.

 

 

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11 hours ago, marc32137 said:

So I have a coworker who I've been best friends with for the past 8 years. We've done everything together, including going to shows (she's a huge punk/ska fan) and she's one of the closest people in my life. There was always chemistry between us, but the issue was she was married. Well last year, she filed for divorce (nothing to do with me, her ex was an abusive shit), and last November we started dating casually. She was seeing other guys, but in December she told me she only wanted to be with me. Well, the divorce was finalized last month and she's been having a rough time coping with it. This past weekend she took a mini vacation to the gulf coast to see some old friends who she hasn't seen in decades. She came back last night and told me it was very relaxing and therapeutic for her. However, part of it was she had some self-realization and decided that she couldn't handle a relationship right now and needed to focus on her.  She was super-apologetic, but basically told me she wanted to go back to being friends. She said she loved the time we had and it might just be a temporary thing, but she couldn't make any promises. Needless to say, I'm heart broken. She'll always be one of my best and closest friends and I'd do anything for her, but the last four months were honestly the happiest I have ever been. I'm afraid I won't be able to recover from it, and I'm dreading going back to square one, especially since I've had the worst luck dating since I've moved here 9 years ago. I'm glad to still be a part of her life (I see her every day at work, so it's not like it's avoidable), but this is gonna be difficult for me.

 

 

Don't get weird about it.  Just keep doing your thing, and she'll realize what's up.  If you get weird about it, it's done. 

 

She's a girl, and she just got out of the most serious kind of relationship.  Let the girl breathe a bit.  Just keep your cool.  The minute you start showing yourself to be an emotional, needy guy... the spell is broken.  Just be cool, man.  Keep doing what you've been doing.  It worked once, it can work again. 

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8 hours ago, Gumbo72203 said:

Don't get weird about it.  Just keep doing your thing, and she'll realize what's up.  If you get weird about it, it's done. 

 

She's a girl, and she just got out of the most serious kind of relationship.  Let the girl breathe a bit.  Just keep your cool.  The minute you start showing yourself to be an emotional, needy guy... the spell is broken.  Just be cool, man.  Keep doing what you've been doing.  It worked once, it can work again. 

I hear ya. We actually hung out last night and talked (and got drunk). I feel a bit more confident about everything now. It's just gonna be a lesson in patience at this point. Thanks!

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