I almost pooped my pants...

[Satan]

So. Tonight after leaving work I ended up in a traffic jam. Dead standstill at fucking 2am. After about a half hour of of sitting there, it started to bubble. A semi rear ended a car on a 1 lane construction lane. Everyone was fucked.

It was time. It was gonna happen. Thank fuck for buying beer earlier and having a plastic bag. Yeah. I pooped in a bag tonight and tossed it on the freeway.

Let's hear your funny emergency poop stories!

[batnoises]

aw, dude...

[aarondltd]

When I was a kid while out on a boat fishing in Galveston TX I got a bite then suddenly had to go and there was only a bucket. Had to hand the fishing pole to someone else while I went. It ended up being a pissed off baby shark hooked on the side by its gills.

[Korgull Of Morgoth]

[futures]

not a poo story, but once i was going into nyc for a show and we were stuck in traffic on the helix (lincoln tunnel). i had to pee reeeeeeeeeeally bad. the traffic was backed up all through the tunnel and everything. we parked in a garage finally and all I had to try to pee in was a bowl from saladworks (i ate on the drive in). i was all ready to pee in the bowl and i just couldnt bring myself to do it. stage freight i guess. so we had to get out of the car and run to the port authority bus terminal to use a bathroom. the first TWO were closed for cleaning, so we ran around until we found an open bathroom and i finally was able to pee successfully.

 

i don't think i could pee myself even if i tried lol. it must be a psyche thing or something.

 

also last night i went to pee and somehow missed the toilet idk. that was a first.

[QUA1L]

When you make the conscious decision to shit in a porta-potty on a construction site in the Phoenix summer heat, you know that your lunch was a VERY VERY poor decision.  Never eat from a food truck that looks like it came straight out of 1967. 

 

Just a few months ago I ate some Ghost wings and when they want out, they don't wait.  Shit my pants at home.  I couldn't even make it from the couch to the bathroom before dropping my guts.  I spent the next hour in the bathroom hudled over like I was bracing for impact in a plane crash.  Ghost wings.  Never.  Again.  What was most embarassing was having to tell my wife why I just threw my clothes away and immediately took the trash out. 
 

[abovetheearth]

I was driving to South Carolina about 15 years ago…about the age where ‘i can eat whatever, no worries’ was just about to expire. I ate at a diner off I-70 called the Iron Skillet. everything was served in one..even the salads. it had wood paneling and a phone at the table.

it happened to be all you can eat chicken fried steak that night. i forgo the salad and prepare myself to hoist a trophy for that years champion. Plate one went as expected. took mere minutes and it was left completely bare.

plate two: yeah, i got this. I’m no longer amazed that they are the size of Delaware, and i keep going. down go the mashed taters with the sautéed onions and gravy. done.

plate three: huh. whats this gurgling? its new. no worries, probably just trapped gas. i proceed without a hitch.

plate four: this is when things are going downhill. i decide to start closing up shop. pop buttons and expand.i debate using the table phone to call for the coroners office. na. I’m young…

i got a handshake but no trophy.

i get back on the highway. southern illinois in the middle of the night is truly awful. dark, flat..nothing around for miles. it truly either reminds me of mars or being on my way to mars.

oh boy. here comes the sweating….the gut drop followed by the puckering. one can only pucker for so long. I’ve shat in the woods many times but these woods were like Deliverance II just waiting to happen. i see a truck stop ahead. public bathrooms no. a public truck stop bathroom? ill stick to the seat.

i ran in. i think my shorts were at my ankles by the time i opened the door to get into the store.

i just found the first stall and sat. (dumb and dumber scene)

it was a terrible smell. just awful. two souls come in for a pee and one man gagged and left. the other kept clearing his throat. he threw up in the urinal.

i smiled from ear to ear. that was my purpose for that day.
 

[kgry]

This thread had me rolling at work. Nothing like LOLing and no one knows why you are and you don't want to tell them it's about poo.

 

By far my worst poo story. It was a Sunday and I always eat some kind of crappy food on Sundays during sports. I must have just ate too much or something didn't sit straight. I wake up at like 2am and it's pretty much already coming out. Instead of shitting my pants or the bed, I shit the entire bathroom floor. So there my fiance and I are at 2am Monday morning cleaning poop off the bathroom floor. Pretty embarrassing and a crappy start to the week.

[TheGhostOfRandySavage]

Two times.

1) was driving with my buddy and his parents to Florida from upstate New York. We stopped overr halfway and for breakfast I got sausage gravy and biscuits. A little bit down the road I started getting a sour stomach and sweating profusely. I may have gotten food poisoning.

Anyway. I go, "dude. Tel your dad you have to go to the bathro. I gotta go." His dad's like, " we just left, hold it." A couple minutes later I'm like, "uh...I have to go really badly." So we stop and I jump it of the still moving car, and run into the gas station bathroom and just EXPLODE.

When I finally came out they were all laughing so hard and making fun of me for getting sick from the gravy they had told me not to eat.

2) drinking at the lake late at night as a youngin, I started to feel an ache in my guts, so I walked to the bathroom pavilion. Locked. Went to the next. Locked. At this point the ache has become a sloshing tidal wave in my stomach and I know it won't be long before something bad happens.

I desperately look for a place to PPP a squat and see a dark stairwell leading to what I can only assume was a maintenance storage area.

I in down the stairs and just spray everywhere.

I had two t-shirts on for some reason, so I used the one I liked less to wipe and just left it there.

I felt like human garbage.

[3arl]

I sharted in the middle of a two week backpacking trip. So I sealed the soiled underwear in a plastic bag and had to carry it around in my pack for the rest of the time.

[Santa Bateman]

shit i was like 13-16 spent the night at my brothers apartment. his roommate was in the shower and i had to shit bad. almost pooped myself. luckily it was late at night and no one was outside. they had a gazebo kinda close to the room with a little garden around it. i popped a squat and rushed that shit out hard. didnt wanna anyone to pop up out of nowhere. used my boxers to wipe myself and tossed them in the trash outside the gazebo. close call.

[Santa Bateman]

I sharted in the middle of a two week backpacking trip. So I sealed the soiled underwear in a plastic bag and had to carry it around in my pack for the rest of the time.

haha you sick fuck. damn did it smell that bad?

[llamaface]

I just read this while pooping.

[abovetheearth]

so you could smell the authenticity of the thread then?

[llamaface]

so you could smell the authenticity of the thread then?

Oh, I can smell it.

[WAXXX]

i've done many poops on the fly. sometimes it just can't be stopped. find a bush or semi-secluded spot, squat, and use my underwear as toilet paper. then toss the underwear in the closest garbage bin. hopefully it doesn't get on my pants or other clothing, then the situation gets shittier.

 

sharts are a little trickier, but if i waddle swiftly and correctly to the closest toilet i can usually salvage my underwear and rectify the situation. i usually have a handkerchief on my person, so i'm still able to function even if i can't find a restroom.

 

one time my toilet at home was broken and i had to drive a block away to a jack-in-the-box until the plumber arrived. a homeless person barged in and tried to knock down the door of the only stall, which i was occupying. he failed at getting me to vacate (i really had to go), but that didn't stop him from hopping on the trash can and spraying foul, orange diarrhea all over it and the ground. he used his hands to clean up what he could and got shit all over the sink, towel dispenser and pretty much everything. i heard the sounds and smelled the entire thing. i told the guy working the counter what happened and when his manager told him to go clean it up he quit his job on the spot.

[Satan]

I'm so happy I started this thread.

[+hecollec+or]

I'm so happy I sharted in this thread.

[GalacticMelt]

I'm actually taking a dump while reading this.

[TheGhostOfRandySavage]

I'm so happy I started this thread.

It's pretty solid

[abovetheearth]

I'm actually taking a dump while reading this.

and now your screen name is all I can think that is coming out.

[russell]

i shit my pants when i was 17 while skateboarding in a mcdonalds parking lot

[Brock N Roll]

This thread (along with the showerfarts thread) are what keeps me here.

[Team Avatar]

when i was a freshman in college I ate at Au Bon Pain and it made me pretty sick.  That night I woke up like 10 times to throw up although nothing really came out after the 6 or 7th throw up. I hateeee throwing up.

 

That next morning I skipped all my classes and told my roommate I was feeling like shit and was gonna be home.  I remember he was sitting on his bed when I laid down to sleep off the sickness.  Our beds were real close to each other and he did all his work on his bed.

 

I woke up however long later and he was gone, and I thought my fever broke because I was super sweaty.  NOPE!

 

My colon liquidate my poo and it must have slowly drained out of my butt while I was sleeping.  My sheets and foam pad were all wet and brown and gross and I freaked out and tried to clean everything in the shower.  I have no idea if my roommate was in the room while I pissed out of my asshole.

 

Later after everything was cleaned I went to sleep again and in precaution made a diaper out of a washcloth. That was a solid idea and I had to go buy new washcloths after that second nap.

 

Haven't eaten at ABP since!

 

[3arl]

when i was a freshman in college I ate at Au Bon Pain and it made me pretty sick.  That night I woke up like 10 times to throw up although nothing really came out after the 6 or 7th throw up. I hateeee throwing up.

 

That next morning I skipped all my classes and told my roommate I was feeling like shit and was gonna be home.  I remember he was sitting on his bed when I laid down to sleep off the sickness.  Our beds were real close to each other and he did all his work on his bed.

 

I woke up however long later and he was gone, and I thought my fever broke because I was super sweaty.  NOPE!

 

My colon liquidate my poo and it must have slowly drained out of my butt while I was sleeping.  My sheets and foam pad were all wet and brown and gross and I freaked out and tried to clean everything in the shower.  I have no idea if my roommate was in the room while I pissed out of my asshole.

 

Later after everything was cleaned I went to sleep again and in precaution made a diaper out of a washcloth. That was a solid idea and I had to go buy new washcloths after that second nap.

 

Haven't eaten at ABP since!

 

 

Au Bon Pain, more like Ow! Butt Pain