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Hey need a little help..

Not many of my friends are married so looking for some advice.

I am 27, go is 37 we starting dating a little over 2 years ago, we have also lived together since may.

I am on this brink of should we get married or should we break up, every day is back and forth. I am really comfortable with her and by far the best gf I have had, but as of the past few weeks finding myself less interested. Idk if it's the relationship or also mix of us living a life further the city so seeing friends less, and also my friends are all busy with work more often as well. My gf works till 9-10pm everyday and that has been really tough. I do everything in terms of cooking and cleaning which isn't the issue it's just that we don't have as much time together.

2 years ago I had no problem with the age thing but now she is getting older and is way more noticeable and do worry about what it will be like when we are older.

I want kids and do love her a ton, and she wants to get married since having kids time is running up, but just can not bring myself to commit to it and don't know if I will.

I am scared of losing her and especially having to break up while loving together but just not sure she is the one.. There is also nothing really wrong in the relationship besides the two things I've mentioned. We are both super chill so literally never fight or argue. She knows her hours are hard for me so trying to get off earlier, do also hard to say why I think it might be done besides it just doesn't feel right anymore, and would feel terrible for it to come up so randomly.

So basically those of you who got married were you sure this girl is the girl your supposed to be with? Idk if I'm supposed to feel that "she is the one I wana marry" feeling or is it just the movies?

Any advice would be amazing

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Idk if I'm supposed to feel that "she is the one I wana marry"

That's your answer there. Marriage isn't perfect and it's a lot of give and take, compromise, but if you don't have the feeling or are 50/50 about "I wanna spend the rest of my life with the girl" or after all the time you've been together and you're not 100% you wanna marry her, then dont.

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That's your answer there. Marriage isn't perfect and it's a lot of give and take, compromise, but if you don't have the feeling or are 50/50 about "I wanna spend the rest of my life with the girl" or after all the time you've been together and you're not 100% you wanna marry her, then dont.

 

This right here.  You do not want to get married because "that feels like what I should be doing".  Been there, done that, have an ex-wife as a result.  Being comfortable also isn't a great reason for getting married either or it could slip into a situation that feels like you two are pretty much roommates with a tax break.  Definitely make sure that you get married because you feel like you couldn't bear to go through life without that other person.

 

Just my two cents.  Best of luck on this situation though!

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I was pretty sure I wanted to marry my wife by our third date, but a lot of things about our relationship really just felt so right almost immediately. We also get along in a really great way - almost never fight or argue, but that's also really not my personality. That being said, of all the women I dated before my wife, I definitely looked into the future and felt worried or unsure. I really didn't feel that with my wife, whether 3 dates in, or nearly 9 years later after 3.5 years of marriage and soon to be a second kid.

Think about your life in 5 years. Is she there? Are there kids? Are you happy with that?

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to piggyback on raindog, ive been with my wife since 04, been married since 07, have 2 kids, we hardly ever fight, and I knew early in our relationship, I would marry that girl. so I believe that if you know, you know, if its been some time and youre still unsure, then don't.

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I didn't know I wanted to marry my wife until we'd been broken up for about 2 months.  Then I proposed while we were still broken up and got married 6 weeks later.  That was just over 4 years now.

 

Everyone's got their own situation to deal with, you know.  But what worked for me was stepping back from the relationship, taking a quick break, and seeing how we felt a bit later.  If you're really meant to be together then a trial separation shouldn't hurt.

 

... This might be really terrible advice.

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I agree with everything being said above. My wife and I were high school sweethearts and we are going on 6 years now and have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. We dated off and on through out school and I knew right away that she was the person I wanted to be with.

 

If I ever thought that she wasn't the one and I was worried about it, I never would have made the move to get engaged and eventually married. If you are that unsure about it then I think you're wasting your time.

 

I'm not saying that it's a love at first sight type of thing but I knew that I didn't want to see my life without her in it. We definitely have our ups and downs just like any marriage will but that's what it's about. You have to work very hard to have a successful marriage. Good marriages don't just happen.

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If you are that unsure about it then I think you're wasting your time.

 

Yeah, ^ pretty close.

 

 

I don't want to be a dick about it or anything, but something about coming back to these forums after a year to ask what should be a pretty important question to people you don't even know is rubbing me the wrong way.

I'm not sure what answer or advice the OP is looking for.

 

He's not wasting his own time, he's wasting hers. She's 37 and wants to have kids? You're not sure if you want to marry her or leave her? You are annoyed or grossed out or whatever that 2 years into your relationship you can really see her getting older - even though you knew in the beginning she was 10 years older than you "even though she looked 30"?

 

Don't be selfish. You're wasting her time.

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I'm not saying that it's a love at first sight type of thing but I knew that I didn't want to see my life without her in it.

This is what you need to consider ^^

 

I can kind of see where you're coming from. My wife is older than me, so there were points where I wanted to be sure I wasn't wasting her time and considered breaking up with her.

 

I stepped back and thought about things and realized :

1)I couldn't imagine my life without her. and

2)most of my "worries" were actually just me being selfish.

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Totally agree Rooks. I should have said her time in the first place.

 

"I am on this brink of should we get married or should we break up, every day is back and forth."

 

This is a pretty big change of emotion in just one sentence. It doesn't have to be either or right now for you guys. You're both adults and should have a civil/important conversation about it. Adulting is hard but you know what's harder? Marrying someone you don't want to be with for the rest of your life.

 

Have the hard conversations now so you can save her some possible heartache down the road.

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It seems like your two options are "break up" and "get married"

That's pretty fucked. There's like a billion other options in between those two ends of the spectrum. Seems like you should break up

Also, you know there's no rule that says you have to get married right? You seem to think its just something you have to do because society/reasons/idiocy

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Also, you know there's no rule that says you have to get married right? You seem to think its just something you have to do because society/reasons/idiocy

I'm married but agree 100 with this. Marriage is a 1 time thing for me, if something "were" to happen to my situation right now, I'd never get married again. I'm 1 and done.

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Not saying that fighting or arguing is ever desired, but if you both are so complacent in your relationship, not entirely sure why you feel the need to either break-up or get married - however, it sounds like you need to rekindle some passion. You would know where you fit on that spectrum a little more, if like the others mentioned previously, you had an honest conversation about your perceived viewpoints of your relationship.

 

Also, not to be an asshole, but I certainly wouldn't want to be proposed to by someone who is so on the fence about marriage that they are seeking out advice outside of a close, trusted group of friends. Just my two cents, though.

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I'm married but agree 100 with this. Marriage is a 1 time thing for me, if something "were" to happen to my situation right now, I'd never get married again. I'm 1 and done.

I know too many people who got married because they felt like it was something that you just had to do at some point. That shit always fails.

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Before we even started dating I knew we would get married. It took a lot of work and we dated for five years. The whole time we dated we basically were preparing for marriage.

If you are this unsure I'd probably start packing thing up with the relationship.

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A long time ago in a galaxy not too far away (Kansas), I was married.  I got married because I had been dating the same girl for about 5 years and she made it clear that it was either marriage or nothing, which isn't very fair; however, I didn't want it to end so I married her.  Fast forward two years and we were filing divorce papers.  My point is, I didn't want to marry the girl and I knew it.  I dug her, she was a cool chick, just not the one for me.  Trust me, you know it in your bones.  A couple of years go by and I meet the girl I know, without a doubt that I want to spend the remainder of my existence on this spinning ball with.  On our first date, she told me she didn't want anything serious because she was moving across the country, to which I told her she was being stupid not to want a relationship.  Two dates later and I knew I was moving with her.  We fight, it happens.  Kudos to those that don't have to worry about fighting.

Moral of the story- if you don't feel it in your bones, it's time to move along.  Be fair to her and yourself. 

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I feel like you making this thread just proves that you don't actually want a marriage with your person. Then again I can barely last a relationship more than 3 months so what the fuck do I know.

 

(no i'm not married but I have friends who have happy marriages and friends who have failed marriages so I've seen enough to base what is more positive imo)

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Married for almost ten years now. Here are my thoughts on your situation:

It's normal at some point to have some (small) doubts. That usually comes a few weeks or months before the wedding. You know, cold feet. If you are having doubts about getting married before you get engaged, then you do not want to marry this person.

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Pretty much echo everything that's already been said here by everyone else, but just wanted to add this in:

Considering the age difference, you really owe it to her to make a decision sooner rather than later. If she does want kids then she'll only have so long before childbirth becomes more of a risk (unless she wants to adopt). If you were to break up then you need to remember that it will take her time to find someone else and potentially for a relationship to reach the stage of marriage, kids, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't sit around for another year or two deciding what to do. Not breaking up because "it's awkward" is not a good enough excuse in my book.

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