3TA-BIRD Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 A friend of mine is a gynecologist. The other night at the bar he told me "Hey, yesterday I examined a lady with a clitoris like a pickle." "Wow", I said, "that big?" No", he answered... "That sour" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 how do you castrate a Kentuckian? kick his sister in the jaw! what do Kentuckians do on halloween? they pumpkin! The Saint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RustyShackelford Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 How do Mexicans cut pizza ? Little Caesars. deafening, The Saint and ditc586 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Saint Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Props to you for bumping this, Jacob. I heard one the other day that made me laugh really hard. It was probably just my friends delivery mixed with being overtired, but here it goes. "I was on the outskirts of town in the mountains and stumbled upon a cave. I walked into the cave and was greeted by a genie. The genie said, 'Since you have found my cave, I will bless you with a great ability. You can either have a fantastic memory or a very long penis.'" "And what did you choose?" "Well I honestly can't remember." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbes Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it. veronicamars 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steventangent Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 John was making gingerbread cookies. He prepared the cookies, put them in the oven and patiently waited. The room started to smell delicious, and soon the cookies were done. He took them out of the oven and all of a sudden one of the cookies starts talking! "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!", it said. The man was surprised, but kept his cool. "You're a talking cookie", he said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He picked up the cookie and walked out the door. On the road, the cookie starts singing, " I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, ooh la la, I'm a talking cookie!". The man was again surprised at the beautiful voice of the cookie, but he kept his pants on and knew he had to make the hard decisions. "You're a talking cookie", he once again said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He reached the beach, and the cookie said, "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" in a perfect Morgan Freeman impersonation. The man just kept on walking, and remarked, "You're a talking cookie, and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". Finally, he reached the boardwalk and it was time to finish the deed. He took a deep breath, winded up his throwing arm, and, not surprisingly the cookie made his final remarks. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, please don't throw me into the ocean, I'm a talking cookie!". The man responded, "You're a talking cookie, I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He threw the cookie into the ocean. _ John was an overworked, underpaid machinist has been saving up for a ring for a long time. His high school sweetheart Mary was the love of his life, and he wanted to ask her properly for her hand in marriage. She was a November baby, so he went to a specialized diamond designer and had a ring crafted with topaz infusions. The ring was beautiful - truly, but he would be paying it back for quite some time. He was walking home from the shop and opened the little box to take one final look at the ring. That was when he tripped over himself ( he was known for his clumsiness ), and the box flew from his hands as he flailed to keep his balance. It hit the pavement, bounced a few times, and landed several inches from a street sewer. He ran to the box and to his dismay, the ring was gone. Holding back tears of grief, frustration and shame, he searched the area for hours for the ring. He ripped up the sewer with his bare hands ( now bloody ), but had no luck. The ring was gone. As he walked the remaining mile home, he consoled himself with thoughts of truth. 'Who needs a ring', he thought to himself. 'If she truly loves me, she will say yes without a ring.' Cheered up ever so slightly, he made plans to ask her out. A week later, they were going to a fancy, 5-star-5-course restaurant, and he knew this would be the right time. They arrived at the restaurant, and this never seen before wave of fear struck through him. He was terrified. They get seated and started having idle chat. "You look nervous, are you feeling alright?" asked his girlfriend Mary. "Fine, fine", he lied, as he took a deep breath. He was about to begin his 'speech', when the waitress came up and asked for drinks. Flustered, he asked for water. Mary asked for the house Chardonnay. They were talking again, and he was mustering up his courage to ask her, when the damned waitress came back with the drinks and asked for the first appetizer. Annoyed now, he forgot what appetizer he wanted and said he was fine. Mary, of course, ordered the steamed clams in a white wine sauce. Conversation continued, but John wasn't very talkative. He forgot his speech at this point, and was just going to wing it. "Mary!", he blurted awkwardly, and she looked at him with eyes full of curiosity at his sudden outburst. "Mary, you are the..." - all of a sudden, he was interrupted by the damned waitress who brought back the clams. 'damn her, damn her to the fiery pits of Mordor', he thought to himself, as he ordered his first plate. He decided that this wasn't the night to do it, and when Mary asked what he was going to say, he responded that it was nothing. Mary opens up her first clam and her eyes whiten in shock. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" if you guys hate me for reading that, at least, please appreciate that I spent my lunch break typing this up! This rules. I love jokes like this. I used to work at a co-op that had open mic Wednesdays, and I'd tell stories sometimes. I used to tell this totally ridiculous "joke" about a kid who loved the circus and grew up traumatized by a clown. I could stretch it past ten minutes, and even though the punch line was really terrible, it's sort of a fun exercise trying to keep people engaged and come up with details on the fly. I kind of wish I still did it, this joke would have been perfect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mameeshkamowskwoz Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 This rules. I love jokes like this. I used to work at a co-op that had open mic Wednesdays, and I'd tell stories sometimes. I used to tell this totally ridiculous "joke" about a kid who loved the circus and grew up traumatized by a clown. I could stretch it past ten minutes, and even though the punch line was really terrible, it's sort of a fun exercise trying to keep people engaged and come up with details on the fly. I kind of wish I still did it, this joke would have been perfect. You know what?..... FUCK YOU CLOWN!!!! Kooky the Clown is the best joke ever... I told it a many times in college (eventually by request) and the drunker I got the better and more detailed it was... Good times! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isavedlatin54 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Global warming xJSx, onlettingjoe, stuffsux00 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest deleted Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Global warming Not even slightly funny you dick. fuckoffleatherjacket 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3arl Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Not even slightly funny you dick. Wow, you took that really seriously onlettingjoe 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest deleted Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Wow, you took that really seriously Haha, guess I did. Sorry isavedlatin... Touchy subject with me and it irks me to no end when i hear people deny it or when people are ignorant to the fact that it is a reality that is happening and will have serious consequences. ************** JOKE I made this joke up about 10 years ago and it still stands the test of time, IMO. Q: what's the similarity between your mother and a screen door? A: nothing, your mother is a whore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derek™ Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Q: what's the similarity between your mother and a screen door? 5th-grade-me is compelled to say "The harder you bang it the looser it gets". Requiescat, xJSx and deafening 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 "if you don't use lube they both squeak like birds" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deafening Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names. Derek™ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebiglebowski Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Older dude teaching this training I was in busted this out the other day: What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 what's a pirates favorite letter? "arrrrrrgh" (you in your best pirate accent) arrrrgh you may think so, but tis actually the sea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
horrorbusiness138 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 What do spinach and anal sex have in common? You didn't like any of it as a child... Hahahaha!! Never heard that one before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
horrorbusiness138 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 what's a pirates favorite letter? "arrrrrrgh" What's a pirates favorite place to eat? "arrrrrbys" What does a pirate say when he loses his tractor? "Where the fuck is my tractor?!?!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Vool Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Hahahaha!! Never heard that one before. Actually, I think I ruined the punch line...it was more something like "You didn't like it when you were forced to as a kid"...but you got the point! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
horrorbusiness138 Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Actually, I think I ruined the punch line...it was more something like "You didn't like it when you were forced to as a kid"...but you got the point! Possibly, but it still made me laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punkrockcomicart Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave and hit defrost? I don't know, I was too busy furiously masturbating. Doesn't matter how long you leave it in there, it's still gonna be ice cold in the middle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punkrockcomicart Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Three people arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter is surprised, but goes on to explain to them that usually there's no wait, but unfortunately there's only one place ready to go, so the other two will have to wait until their places were ready. He says the only fair way to determine who gets in first is to have them recount their final day, and whoever had the worst day got in. The first man steps up. "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment, but worked across town, I just knew my wife was cheating on me, so I arranged to come home early to catch them. When I arrived home, I knew he was there. I could smell his cologne, so I tore the apartment up looking for him. When I came to the kitchen, I saw him hanging from the window. First I slammed the window, but he hung on, then I went at his fingers with a hammer, still he held on, finally I pushed my refrigerator out on top of him, but the cord wrapped around my leg and pulled me twenty five floors to my death." The second man steps up. "I'm a window washer by trade. While cleaning the thirtieth story of an apartment building, my scaffolding broke and I began to fall. I managed to grab hold of a window ledge on the twenty fifth floor, until some maniac slammed the window on my fingers. I didn't want to die, so I held on. Next he took a hammer to my fingers. While it was agony, I wanted to see my wife and kids again, so for them, I held on, until he pushed his fridge out on top of me, and I fell twenty five floors to my death." The third man steps up. " I was naked in this fridge, minding my own business...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dawhizz Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Obsolete I guess, but I always liked this one: How to you know when it's time for bed at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand is on the little hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dawhizz Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 This rules. I love jokes like this. I used to work at a co-op that had open mic Wednesdays, and I'd tell stories sometimes. I used to tell this totally ridiculous "joke" about a kid who loved the circus and grew up traumatized by a clown. I could stretch it past ten minutes, and even though the punch line was really terrible, it's sort of a fun exercise trying to keep people engaged and come up with details on the fly. I kind of wish I still did it, this joke would have been perfect. I had one like thus about a man trying to build a super car that I was told by some British soccer fans. I pull if out every once in a while when I want to bug people and stretch it out depending on how much fun I want to have. I can probably recreate it if people are really interested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.