ronniethebear Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I still love the dude, and I thought this was pretty amusing: George Carlin's rules for 2008: New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbuck's order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbuck's and order a 'decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge ass hole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flood Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 new rule isnt carlin, its bill maher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronniethebear Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 lol wut Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benchwarmer Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy. had coworkers asking if I was ok because I was LOLing a lot. very funny stuff! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mclz Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 lol wut it's what bill maher does on his show Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadmonkey Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 new rule isnt carlin, its bill maher. Perhaps, but that didn't stop me from hering carlin's signature raspy voice saying all those things in my head I need to show my girl the eyebrows thing. she'll prollie and cry or something, but it'd be worth it to say.. see no one really cares about your eyebrows Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flood Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 and actually these are the new rules from 2006-ish... when the book came out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronniethebear Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 SORRY FLOOD I COPY/PASTED IT FROM MYSPACE I'M SO SORRY THAT I THOUGHT IT WAS TEH FUNNIES I WON'T DO IT AGAIN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flood Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 i just ask that quotes be attributed to the correct people. its like how every punk cover on the internet is supposedly me first and the gimme gimmes, and every funny song is weird al. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronniethebear Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Yeah I know what you mean. I just got it from a bulletin someone posted (I had never read them before). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nickbuysvinyl Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 no matter who or when it was, it was funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scriptedrain Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Somehow, it doesn't seem as funny when I think of Maher saying it. I liked it a lot better when Carlin said it (in my head lol). Where has he been, anyway? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nickbuysvinyl Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 i dont know, but am i the only one who was hoping he would pop up in Clerks 2? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scriptedrain Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 i dont know, but am i the only one who was hoping he would pop up in Clerks 2? No, sir. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flood Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 they actually changed the wording on some of these too... New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. its "you're gay" not you're a dope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andrew13 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Somehow, it doesn't seem as funny when I think of Maher saying it. I liked it a lot better when Carlin said it (in my head lol). Where has he been, anyway? he just had a new HBO special, "it's bad for ya" major disapointment. i think he's starting to loose it. he basically stood there for 70 mins bitching about being old and didn't even try to make a joke. it's weird too, since his special 2-3 years ago was one of his better ones ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jawbroken Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Somehow, it doesn't seem as funny when I think of Maher saying it. I liked it a lot better when Carlin said it (in my head lol). Where has he been, anyway? haha that's kind of how i feel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronniethebear Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 I saw him live two years ago, and his act now pretty much consists of him ranting about today's society. I was entertained, but it wasn't "funny George Carlin". More like livid George Carlin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.