Nate Newton reviews Rambo as it happens

[partysmasher]

http://www.nme.com/blog/index.php?blog=134&p=7335&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1#more7335

From The NME's blog which, bizzarely they've given Converge the run of for a week or something. Jake talks about his musical influences, Nate, however, reviews Rambo...

When I was 10 years old, my parents brought me and my little brother to Disney World for the first time. We went to Epcot Center and we rode Journey Into The Imagination. I remember being totally blown away by the visceral experience of this ride... the bright colors, the happy songs, the ride bouncing to and fro, the furry fluorescent colored animatronic monsters that were such happy guides on this true adventure into the boundless and limitless corners of my very mind. At 10 years old I was completely mind-fucked by this ride. I remember thinking that if this is what taking drugs is like, then I want some drugs IMMEDIATELY.

Fast forward 22 years. I haven’t felt that way since then. That is, UNTIL I saw the new 'Rambo'. I WAS that little 10 year old boy again, except this time instead of pastels and singing monster friends it was a nonstop explosion of complete bloody violence and total shock and awe. I was dumbfounded and on more than one occasion had to ask myself if I did in fact see what I just saw. It was a fucking masterpiece of automatic weapons and blood. And on a completely refreshing note... there was no uplifting story, barely any dialogue, no underlying sociopolitical themes... just pure unadulterated American action and violence... in Burma.

continued...

My original plan was to count how many people get killed, but at a certain point I realized that there was absolutely no way I could keep track anymore. It was THAT awesome.

So now... Random thoughts I had during the movie in sequential order:

This song sounds like 'Californication'.

I’m glad they didn’t waste money on sprucing up the logo.

Sweet cobra.

Damn, brown people are sweaty.

OH SHIT! BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! BURMESE FOOTBALL! (American-style, for you Brits).

Ok. That was the best first line Stallone has ever had in any movie EVER.

That missionary chick is hot.

Oh wait... until she started talking.

Lady, put on a poncho or some shit.

If they kiss I’m leaving right now.

Those pirates don’t look anything like Johnny Depp.

YES! FUCK YES!

Whatever, fuck him Rambo. He don’t know shit. Keep it real, Rambo.

“I have no legs. I have no legs. I have no legs.”

WHOA! BOOYA!

OK. Well I just lost count.

Wait... did he... is that... was that a fucking baby?!

Oh shit! BAYONET!

Run Fuckers! BOOOOOMMMMM!

You know, the more I think about it, I’m pretty sure that WAS a baby.

Yeah we know. Of course you need his help asshole, he’s fucking RAMBO and you’re just some old dickweed.

See? Now THAT is a man right there. He doesn’t answer yes or no... he gets up and FORGES HIS OWN FUCKING SWORD.

Jesus, why do the British think it’s funny to complain about everything? And also.. Mr Bean fucking sucks. Seriously.

Who is this reject from a Reverend Horton Heat concert that won’t shut the fuck up? Is this supposed to be like that scene in 'Predator' when they’re listening to Little Richard?

OK. Don’t take Rambo with you, asshole. It’s your funeral.

I love Burmese football.

OH SHIT! BOW AND ARROW UP YOUR FACE MOTHERFUCKER! HIAWATHA! LITTLE BIG HORN BITCHES!

Look, I know they probably smell like oyster sauce and armpit... but seriously. The Burmese know how to fucking PARTY.

Literally every woman in this movie either gets raped or killed. Except the white girl. What’s up with that Sly? Hmmmm...

Damn. How that white dude gonna run anywhere with no feets?

Wait... OH... that’s why he didn’t try to... the girl... oh my. I mean, he DID wear very stylish sunglasses.

OK white girl, it’s time for racial equality. It’s your turn to get raped.

OH YES! YOU AIN’T GOT NO THROAT NECK NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!

-------------------skip ahead a little------------------

Stallone has a high opinion of Asians, apparently. Instead of killing and raping everything they come in contact with, in THIS scene they’re just living half naked in caves like human rats with flies on their faces. Nice touch Sly.

RUN RAMBO RUN!

What are you doing with that claymore Rambo? OH! Very crafty, Rambo. Very crafty indeed.

BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!

------------------skip ahead a little--------------------

HOLY SHIT! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN!

This is like Caligula except instead of rabidly fucking each other, everyone is getting shot in the face and exploding.

FLAME THROWER!!

YES... GET ON THE TRUCK... TAKE THE GUN... YES!

OOOOH SHIT! THAT DUDE JUST GOT EXPLODED!

Oh the irony. The peaceful man of god smashes a dudes head in with a rock. I love this movie.

OK. Solid 5 minutes of the giant gun. Awesome.

Damn. Bye bye, Ray Bans.

I wonder what the R stands for? Rick? Russell? Randy? Rudy? Rob? Rocco? I guess We’ll never know.

Jesus that was good.

I feel like I just gave birth.

[motorbike]

that was awesome.

[jhulud]

That was awesome indeed!

[partysmasher]

Haha, he's done Cloverfield now!

I just saw 'Cloverfield'... it kinda sucked, maybe? It’s sort of like 'Blair Witch Project' meets 'Godzilla' meets 'Alien' meets 'The Day After Tomorrow' meets 'Starship Troopers' meets a Williamsburg loft party.

The pros:

Lots of shit gets blown up.

Relatively hot chicks.

The cons:

Should have been called 'The Blair Godzilla Project'

No boobs.

Not at all believable.

continued...

Now.... some random thoughts I had during the movie in sequential order:

Oh great, a movie about people who shop at Hollister.

How the hell do these kids afford these apartments?

Do people really have stupid parties like this?

I’ve never seen a "testimonials" video.

Damn, his brother’s girlfriend is fine.

I hate his stupid friend.

Why does his stupid friend like that chick? She looks like if Zooey Deschanel was on meth.

OK... there are giant fireballs falling from the sky and they hit the building you’re in, and you’re REALLY still filming right now? That shit woulda been dropped quickly.

The Statue Of Liberty thing totally ripped off 'Planet Of The Apes'.

So dude’s brother just died and the first thing he thinks to do is go find the chick that’s cheating on him??

Those space monsters have some fucked up dander.

Wow, MY phone doesn’t work in subway tunnels.

I wonder if they’re gonna run into the homeless people from 'Dark Days'.

This girl just ran across half the fuckin city through an apocalyptic battle zone with monsters and bombs AND SHE'S STILL WEARING HEELS?????

This reminds me of 'Alien'. If 'Alien' sucked.

Wow... fighting off alien monsters in the dark. Still wearing heels.

Now that chick REALLY looks like she's on meth.

OOHH SHE JUST EXPLODED!!!

So apparently you can jump from rooftop to rooftop of collapsing buildings during the apocalypse and not die.

She has rebar stuck through her chest. And she's talking. She's actually still pretty hot. Would.

How the fuck are you running? You just had REBAR THROUGH YOUR TIT!!!

Hmm. You just survived a full-on helicopter crash. And you’re STILL filming. Really?

That camera has a long-ass battery.

Can videotape even survive a nuclear explosion?

Maybe this is actually the greatest movie ever made... the basic gist is that a giant monster from space comes to New York and kills all the yuppies and hipsters...

...nah. This sucks.

[scottheisel]

That Rambo one was hysterical. It made me cry from laughing so hard. Not so much with the Cloverfield one.

[axlrose]

Best line?

"Whatever, fuck him Rambo. He don’t know shit. Keep it real, Rambo."

[tanukichu]

This is amazing.

[Guest errolwest]

A+, i was getting the weirdest looks in class when i was trying to read this. hahaha

[magalvsr13]

Wait... did he... is that... was that a fucking baby?!

You know, the more I think about it, I’m pretty sure that WAS a baby.

best part of the movie.