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i wish people were awake


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i got no lips i got no tongue, whatever happened to this face

seriously, I'm kinda bummed out this week. I had a cyst on my face. I could feel it with my finger or when I smiled, and after a few weeks of feeling like it was getting bigger, I went to my doctor. He referred me to a dermatologist for a "consultation." The dermatologist looked at it and said, "we can either keep an eye on this or do a biopsy." I was already feeling gross and I just wanted to get it over with. I said "do the biopsy." They told me it'd leave me with a scar and I said, "I ain't tryin' to be in no Gap ad fool!"

So, they did it. And I thought I was fine with it. But the more I think about it, the more it seriously bums me the fuck out that I have a scar on my face now. I get the stitches out Tuesday. I feel dumb, and now, even uglier.

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How big is the scar going to be? I got stitches on my face when I was younger, like toddler age, and I still have the suture shaped scare. I think of it as one of life's battle wounds (falling into a blanker rack is pretty brutal). I mean, maybe when people ask you about it, or you're feeling particularly ugly, you can tell them you actually got the scar after a freak wind surfing accident, or it's the only scar that has remained with you after your fight with that mutha fuckin' big ass puma a couple summers ago.

I tell people when I was three I was abducted by kidnappers and managed to outsmart them. Before I got away they were able to get one hit in with the shovel.

Did you really say "I ain't trying to be in no Gap ad fool!"?

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I really, REALLY hate talking about my personal life with people. I don't even do it on the message board much. When people ask about the stitches, I've been saying I got jumped by a garden gnome, or the maid did it with a letter opener when I fired her for stealing english muffins, or something of that effect.

And I really did think, "shit happens, people get scars, it's not the first one I've had on my face, so it doesn't really matter." To a point, I think scars are the result of a life lived. In a way, there a little dignified, and I guess they all come with little stories, and I am a big fan of that. Really, I think the bigger issue is that it's going to be really obvious for a while, maybe the better part of a year. And...this is where talking about personal shit gets hard...I'm not trying to complain or beg for attention or anything, but I've been dealing with a bunch of shit, and going through waves of pretty serious depression (ugh. I feel dumb writing that), and this is just another little thing that has kind of "set me off."

And yes, I really did say that, or at least something really close to it. The assistant just chuckled. I really thought, "I'm just going to do this, and get it over with." I'm not really worried about it being cancerous or anything, I just didn't want to dwell on it any longer.

/rare post where I talk about personal shit and then feel stupid for doing so

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If there has ever been a board worth discussing personal matters on, this just might be it. Especially with Dan dishing out solid gold advice on every corner. Even so, I know where you're coming from. Anyways, I got a mole removed from my cheek when I was 14 or 15 because despite being small around it stuck out a bit and they said it would most likely grow and then it would be more worrisome to remove/become cancerous. My brother and his friends also used to chase me around with pliers saying they would pull it off. We called it the "soul mole" under the assumption that it contained my soul, obviously. I got it cut off and had a couple stitches from it. I had some good stories for them.

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I really, REALLY hate talking about my personal life with people. I don't even do it on the message board much. When people ask about the stitches, I've been saying I got jumped by a garden gnome, or the maid did it with a letter opener when I fired her for stealing english muffins, or something of that effect.

And I really did think, "shit happens, people get scars, it's not the first one I've had on my face, so it doesn't really matter." To a point, I think scars are the result of a life lived. In a way, there a little dignified, and I guess they all come with little stories, and I am a big fan of that. Really, I think the bigger issue is that it's going to be really obvious for a while, maybe the better part of a year. And...this is where talking about personal shit gets hard...I'm not trying to complain or beg for attention or anything, but I've been dealing with a bunch of shit, and going through waves of pretty serious depression (ugh. I feel dumb writing that), and this is just another little thing that has kind of "set me off."

And yes, I really did say that, or at least something really close to it. The assistant just chuckled. I really thought, "I'm just going to do this, and get it over with." I'm not really worried about it being cancerous or anything, I just didn't want to dwell on it any longer.

/rare post where I talk about personal shit and then feel stupid for doing so

Steven,

I think you are beautiful and your scar is a perfect imperfection.

but honestly, I know how you feel right now. I'm too embarrassed to tell you about the thing that set me off. But, I really think it's something in the air right now. Things have to get better.

Love, Breayne

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I want to thank peeps that sent me messages! I'm actually a little stoked right now. I'm going to get the stitches out tomorrow...the place I'm going is going to be about an hour and 45 minute drive through the countryside by motorcycle. That's gonna be relaxing, and kinda fucking awesome. Maybe I should take earbuds and iPod and listen to Black Sabbath or...something bright, sunny, and acoustic.

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I want to thank peeps that sent me messages! I'm actually a little stoked right now. I'm going to get the stitches out tomorrow...the place I'm going is going to be about an hour and 45 minute drive through the countryside by motorcycle. That's gonna be relaxing, and kinda fucking awesome. Maybe I should take earbuds and iPod and listen to Black Sabbath or...something bright, sunny, and acoustic.

Jimmy Buffett? jk

I always found BOSTON'S "Self Titled" LP to be good driving music.

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ive got a sweet scar on my cheeck from when i was little. i was sledding down a hill and at the bottom my uncle missed me and i went right through his legs into the woods. for a bit it was real cool, flying through the woods...until a branch ripped open my cheek. i really like my scar now though. i didnt think people noticed it too much anymore, but oddly a girl last night asked me about it. i thought it was strange, but im kinda happy people still notice it.

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