Dan's Relationship Advice Thread

[goraiders]

and we hang out reasonably often but basically don't do anything.

what does this mean?

nothing really, i meant that we just hang out and watch a movie or something, we don't go out and do things.

[thedavidescapeplan]

Valid points. The context was she had driven like an hour and half to come visit me out of the blue when we were on break from school and when she left we hugged and she said it then (I said it back). She also then gave me a birthday card which had "I love you with all my heart" written inside. Now I understand that most people would say "duh, she likes you!" But it seems like anytime I try to make plans with her or tell her how I feel she either doesn't respond or just changes the subject. Then out of nowhere she tells me how much she loves me blah blah blah. So I'm not sure of what to do. Should I keep trying and hope it gets serious or say fuck it just try to keep the friendship?

I hope that clears it up a bit.

absolutely. i've been in this situation before, actually. i'm currently in it as well. it's very hard to deal with, so i feel your pain on this one. the girl who is giving me the runaround used to be somebody who i saw myself spending the rest of my life with. perfect for me in every way. but things change.

if you've given her chance after chance to be with you and she hasn't followed through, i would have to say actions speak louder than words. this is a tough pill to swallow (maybe try having a tablespoon of honey first?), but it will be a huge load off your back once you realize it. this doesn't mean to stop being her friend and stop asking her to hang out.

just don't get your hopes up and don't expect anything to come from it, and you can't be disappointed. eventually your relationship with each other will evolve into what it will become. you can guide it in a particular direction, but cannot guarantee a successful happy ending.

i'm also giving this advice under the assumption that you have sat her down at one point in the past and straight up told her how you feel. if this is a false assumption, then DO THAT.

This is some great advice. For real.

I have sat her down and told her all this, I guess we'll just wait and see.

Thanks, Dr. Dan. (this may get confusing because of yemin)

[danthemjfan23]

TO MICHAEL MYERS:

it actually doesn't matter. tell her that you've been wanting to be with her for a while, but that clearly it isn't going to work because that's not what she wants. tell her you wish it weren't so, but you've waited as long as you can for her. start dating another girl who you don't really care about (yeah, girls, i know, this is really shitty but trust me it works) and your prom queen will get all jealous and realize how much she really wants you. then she'll confess her love to you and tell you how sorry she is that it took her so long to realize/act on it.

dump your interim gf and get with your high school sweetheart.

you're welcome in advance. this is 100% guaranteed to work if properly executed.

[Guest drahtuos]

that guy who made that documentary called vinyl (there was a thread about it recently), his name is alan zweig and he whined alot about how he is alone and wants a wife and kids, he needs to come here and get some advice from the dan me thinks.

[tommytumult]

Okay, I'll bring this over from the dateless losers thread:

This girl gave me her number after about a week of e-mailing back and forth on okcupid. She seems pretty much fucking awesome, she likes Battlestar Galactica and isn't against watching Doctor Who. I was hesitant to call her but finally found the nuts to call her on Tuesday after pacing around my house for an hour. The call lasted 45 seconds, she said she was busy and she'd call me back. On Friday, she sent me an e-mail on okcupid say she was "SOOOOOOO sorry she hadn't called and would and that I shouldn't feel thwarted." It's now Sunday night and no word. What the fuck do I do? I don't want to call her and seem like an impatient bastard but I don't want to sit around in limbo, either.

[Guest drahtuos]

limbos the worst.

[divaface]

TO MICHAEL MYERS:

it actually doesn't matter. tell her that you've been wanting to be with her for a while, but that clearly it isn't going to work because that's not what she wants. tell her you wish it weren't so, but you've waited as long as you can for her. start dating another girl who you don't really care about (yeah, girls, i know, this is really shitty but trust me it works) and your prom queen will get all jealous and realize how much she really wants you. then she'll confess her love to you and tell you how sorry she is that it took her so long to realize/act on it.

dump your interim gf and get with your high school sweetheart.

you're welcome in advance. this is 100% guaranteed to work if properly executed.

he's right...

[divaface]

or you're right, i dont know.

[tommytumult]

limbos the worst.

Damn straight! I gotta know if I should just let this one go, even though she seems pretty awesome.

[danthemjfan23]

Okay, I'll bring this over from the dateless losers thread:

This girl gave me her number after about a week of e-mailing back and forth on okcupid. She seems pretty much fucking awesome, she likes Battlestar Galactica and isn't against watching Doctor Who. I was hesitant to call her but finally found the nuts to call her on Tuesday after pacing around my house for an hour. The call lasted 45 seconds, she said she was busy and she'd call me back. On Friday, she sent me an e-mail on okcupid say she was "SOOOOOOO sorry she hadn't called and would and that I shouldn't feel thwarted." It's now Sunday night and no word. What the fuck do I do? I don't want to call her and seem like an impatient bastard but I don't want to sit around in limbo, either.

absolutely do not make the next move. you already made the first.

she told you she'll call. either she will and you'll be happy, or she won't, and you should be happy about that too. because instead of beating around the bush for 3 months with her and THEN finding out she's a total flake, you'd be finding out immediately.

if she still hasn't made any contact with you by wednesday, send her another e-mail on okcupid saying "thought i was gonna hear from you but i'm actually glad you didn't call because i had to go out of town last-minute this past weekend. do you have any plans this upcoming weekend? my number is 588-2300, let me know when you want to meet up this weekend and get some coffee or something."

you're not asking her out, you're telling her you're going out. girls like assertiveness. you also "had plans" which means you're in demand. girls like a guy who they feel is out there doing things.

the ball, again, would be in her court. if she doesn't call you THIS time, then you know it's never going to happen. if she does, you'll end up having a cute little first date and who knows where things could go from there?

[tommytumult]

Okay, I'll bring this over from the dateless losers thread:

This girl gave me her number after about a week of e-mailing back and forth on okcupid. She seems pretty much fucking awesome, she likes Battlestar Galactica and isn't against watching Doctor Who. I was hesitant to call her but finally found the nuts to call her on Tuesday after pacing around my house for an hour. The call lasted 45 seconds, she said she was busy and she'd call me back. On Friday, she sent me an e-mail on okcupid say she was "SOOOOOOO sorry she hadn't called and would and that I shouldn't feel thwarted." It's now Sunday night and no word. What the fuck do I do? I don't want to call her and seem like an impatient bastard but I don't want to sit around in limbo, either.

absolutely do not make the next move. you already made the first.

she told you she'll call. either she will and you'll be happy, or she won't, and you should be happy about that too. because instead of beating around the bush for 3 months with her and THEN finding out she's a total flake, you'd be finding out immediately.

if she still hasn't made any contact with you by wednesday, send her another e-mail on okcupid saying "thought i was gonna hear from you but i'm actually glad you didn't call because i had to go out of town last-minute this past weekend. do you have any plans this upcoming weekend? my number is 588-2300, let me know when you want to meet up this weekend and get some coffee or something."

you're not asking her out, you're telling her you're going out. girls like assertiveness. you also "had plans" which means you're in demand. girls like a guy who they feel is out there doing things.

the ball, again, would be in her court. if she doesn't call you THIS time, then you know it's never going to happen. if she does, you'll end up having a cute little first date and who knows where things could go from there?

Thank you! You, sir, are a gentleman and scholar.

[casey]

Dear Dan,

Where is the clitoris?

[danthemjfan23]

Dear Dan,

Where is the clitoris?

if i could tell you that, i really WOULD know everything.

[goraiders]

TO MICHAEL MYERS:

it actually doesn't matter. tell her that you've been wanting to be with her for a while, but that clearly it isn't going to work because that's not what she wants. tell her you wish it weren't so, but you've waited as long as you can for her. start dating another girl who you don't really care about (yeah, girls, i know, this is really shitty but trust me it works) and your prom queen will get all jealous and realize how much she really wants you. then she'll confess her love to you and tell you how sorry she is that it took her so long to realize/act on it.

dump your interim gf and get with your high school sweetheart.

you're welcome in advance. this is 100% guaranteed to work if properly executed.

oh man, i was not expecting this. I need to man up and go for it though. thanks!

[danthemjfan23]

what were you expecting?

[goraiders]

what were you expecting?

no idea, i'm impressed with your thoughtfulness and really it is a good plan.

[pjaicomo]

I expect the best from you Dan.

[silentgods]

so basically the last time i rocked the proverbial casbah was in 2004. with my ex-fiancee.

most of my friends are telling just to lower my standards and climb up whatever vagina trail is around. the last time i even made out with a chick was in 07 and she was totally crazy, like almost bit my tongue off crazy, (like teethmarks on my tongue for a week) anyways, it just seem like the majority of girls aren't worth it, either their not intelligent enough to hold a decent conversation with, have kids, or are totally weirded about by my religious beliefs. i'm looking for an actual decent relatonship.

should i just lower my standards just to hike up the vagina trail to stop the 5 year lack?

[controlthebleeding]

I totally got the " hey, i'll call you... and we'll hang out sometimes in the near future" line before.. utter BS if you ask me... I took it as a sign and never bothered to talk to her again.... havent' heard from her since. So i guess she was FOS as i suspected. Story of my life...lol

[Guest vito]

I totally got the " hey, i'll call you... and we'll hang out sometimes in the near future" line before.. utter BS if you ask me... I took it as a sign and never bothered to talk to her again.... havent' heard from her since. So i guess she was FOS as i suspected. Story of my life...lol

yeah, i recently made the mistake of waiting around for a girl for a couple of months. instead of just laying off like i should have. she ended up just being a flake. sure it sucked, but at least it won't happen again.

[danthemjfan23]

what were you expecting?

no idea, i'm impressed with your thoughtfulness and really it is a good plan.

i've been there before, that's how i know it works. i've used this plan twice. so far i'm batting 1.000.

I expect the best from you Dan.

and that's all you'll ever get.

[danthemjfan23]

so basically the last time i rocked the proverbial casbah was in 2004. with my ex-fiancee.

most of my friends are telling just to lower my standards and climb up whatever vagina trail is around. the last time i even made out with a chick was in 07 and she was totally crazy, like almost bit my tongue off crazy, (like teethmarks on my tongue for a week) anyways, it just seem like the majority of girls aren't worth it, either their not intelligent enough to hold a decent conversation with, have kids, or are totally weirded about by my religious beliefs. i'm looking for an actual decent relatonship.

should i just lower my standards just to hike up the vagina trail to stop the 5 year lack?

not to pull a grammar police, but if you're gonna complain about intelligence being one of the reasons, you could at least use the right their/there/they're in your sentence.

that being said, you've already been there, done that. you had a fiancee, man. that's the best thing you have going for you. you can play it so many ways it's impossible to fuck it up. talk about your fiancee when you meet girls. not a lot, you don't want them to think you're still hung up on her, but if you show you were ready to go all the way with a girl (relationship-wise) that shows what type of person you are. girls want this.

you can tell them that she died in a car crash or something and get some HUGE sympathy points, but only do this if there's absolutely no chance you'll ever speak with her again/your new girl would find out about it. if she finds out you lied, game over right there.

as for lowering your standards, there's two schools of thought on this:

1. i just wanna get laid.

2. i want to have a long-term, meaningful relationship.

if you fall into the first, then lower away. just always make sure you wear a rubber.

if you fall into the second, then don't lower your standards. you don't want to be laying in bed with a girl 8 months into the relationship watching Family Guy and wonder if she actually got that "The Graduate" reference or if she's just laughing because... hey! talking baby!

[danthemjfan23]

I totally got the " hey, i'll call you... and we'll hang out sometimes in the near future" line before.. utter BS if you ask me...

absolutely. this is bullshit. when a girl says "i'll call you sometime" it's the exact same as if a guy says "i'll call you sometime." they learned the lesson from us, mike. now they've adapted and made it their own. you need to outsmart the fox, pun intended.

when she tells you "i'll call you sometime," call her out on it right on the spot. don't say "no you won't" cause that screams desperate and pathetic, of which you are neither. you're just skeptical. say something like "well i'm busy this weekend, but next weekend i think i'm alright (again, always make it seem like you're in demand, even if you're not), so how about you call me sometime next week and we can set something out?" and if she just says "yeah sure that sounds fine" but you know she's really just shrugging it off, tell her "in case you don't remember though, is there a day next week you'd have a couple minutes to talk? cause i could give you a call later in the week." and then either A.) get her number, or B.) if you have it already, CALL HER on the day you said you would.

don't leave it up to them to follow up. it's like a job interview. if you wait for everybody to get back to you, you'll wind up sitting at home with your dick in your hand, but if you follow up in a professional, mature manner, you're in business. literally in the job interview scenario. figuratively in the lady scenario.

[littlejonnyhormone]

MR. DAN -

I am nuts over a girl that I almost starting messing around with a little over a year ago. Unfortunately, I didn't act fast enough and she has been dating someone ever since. The sad part is, even when they first started dating, I was still sleeping in her room on fairly often.

Her boyfriend was good friends with me before I even met her.

I've dated girls since our time together, but I still had this girl in the back of my mind. Fucked up shit.

We all hang out and drink every weekend and have a good time, and I feel like the first semester or two back to school since everything happened, shit was awkward. Now we're talking a lot again, and there doesn't seem to be any awkward tension between us.

What do I do? How the fuck do I get over her? They're clearly not breaking up anytime soon.

I regret that I missed on her. It bugs me to this day... like I said, over a year later.

[danthemjfan23]

ugh, totally been in THAT situation before jonny, and it sucks it hardcore.

there's nothing you can do if they're really in love. from what you say, it seems like they are. when you were sleeping in her room, were you in the bed with her? if yes, were you guys messing around at all? i'm not talking sex, but were you making out or anything at all?

if the answer is yes to that, you need to think things over in your own head. does the girl mean more to you than your friend does? do you see yourself being with this girl for a LONG time? if you guys did mess around in the past, and they were just drunken hookups, but actually meaningful nights together, then she at least HAD serious feelings for you at one point. you'd be going out on a total limb with what i'm about to suggest, so you have to REALLY think about whether it's worth it to you. do you have another really good group of friends who you can hang out if things don't work out? because there's no way you'd be able to hang out with this group (at least for a while) if things don't work out...

tell her how you feel. lay everything on the line. tell her how you used to love her when you would sleep in her room. tell her how you wanted to ask her out then, but when she started dating her current bf that you wanted to be respectful and let her do her own thing if that's what was going to make her happy. tell her you've regretted not asking her out ever since. tell her you still think about her before you go to bed (phrase it like that, too, girls eat that shit up... there's something about that time right before you fall asleep that makes girls crazy). tell her you want to be with her.

one of three things will happen:

1. she will say she's always felt the same way about you, and that she's really glad you said something. she will break up with her bf and you will live happily ever after.

2. she will say she used to feel that way, even for a little bit after she started dating her current bf, but that you missed your chance. (p.s. this will also happen if/when you get engaged to another girl. she will tell you how you missed your chance with her. at least one other girl will tell you the same thing. it will suck. you'll need to get over that.) she may or may not tell her current bf that you said that to her. things will be awkward either way, at least for a little. if she tells him, they will be awkward MUCH longer, but eventually it will be okay.

3. she will say she never felt that way about you. she will certainly tell her current bf you said something to her. things will be unbearably awkward. forever. find new friends.

as you can see, the consequences are completely varied, and very severe in two of the three circumstances. you have to be absolutely positive that you're ready and willing to deal with them (no matter what they may be) before you act. DO NOT DO THIS WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK OR AFTER YOU HAVE BEEN DRINKING. this isn't something that can just be brushed off as "i was drunk i'm sorry" and no matter how drunk she is at the time of you telling her, she will sober up and certainly remember it in the morning.

if you tell her sober, it will mean more to her, and she will take it seriously. she might not give you the answer you're looking for right away, but there's a chance she'll at least take it into consideration.

this is a tricky situation. but, as with previous advice, if executed properly and under the right circumstances, can work like a charm. good luck.