What's Happenin'?

[casey]

So, it's been about two months since I've posted on here. Some of you have checked in on me, and I am very appreciative. Some of you that I've come to be friends with know my situation, and even if you don't I'll fill you in.

I've struggled with addiction since I was 15, my first real serious drug habit was at 18 when I started using methamphetamine. That lasted about a year and then I was clean for a year before I started using heroin. After about eight months of that, I just kind of dabbled around and didn't have a serious problem until I went through a bad break-up at 23 and started using meth and heroin at the same time. I had been clean for about four years until mid-March of this year when I did some coke while drunk one night, thinking I'd never had a coke problem, so it shouldn't be a problem. Well, the coke wasn't, but I was super-tired the next day, and I figured there was one surefire way to fix that. Enter the meth again.

A little about my addiction...My habits usually don't last long, but they are about as intense as you can imagine and they end with complete destitution. For a while my wife was helping me seek professional help. I entered a hospital for a 5 day detox and was supposed to go straight from there to a 30-day inpatient facility. Well, there was a snafu with my insurance and I had to go home after one night in detox. Surprisingly enough, I managed to stay clean for four days, but I had a fight with my wife and she wouldn't talk to me on our anniversary, so I picked up.

I eventually got into an outpatient rehab program. I went to the first group high, but still left with a clarity and conviction I had not felt since I started using again. I didn't want to use, but I had a small bit left, so I did anyway. To keep a long story less long, I had the cops called on me twice that night--by my wife and my mom--unbeknownst to each other. The second time, I had my car searched and miraculously got away without them finding anything. This was Thursday. On Sunday I realized that I was on track to, at the very least, get arrested; possibly even die. I had started speedballing again, and that is just not a good idea. So I haven't used today or yesterday and was getting my mind back and thinking I was on the right track...

I had been on leave from my job because I came clean to them that I needed help, and they were supportive at first, but after my wife called the cops on me, she told them about it (we both lived and worked at the same place). Today they fired me. So now, I've definitely lost my job, my home, and my kids (at least temporarily) and possibly my marriage. My wife says she doesn't know if she can be with me, which I understand, but that the kids need a father and she wouldn't stand in the way of that as long as I'm clean.

So, how do I do that? I know there were a few people on here awhile back that had addiction problems. How do you stay clean? I have 5 more weeks in my rehab program, and I intend to finish them. I had the opportunity to use today, and I didn't, even though I've never wanted to more in my life. I guess that's why I'm posting this. I need the snarky comments from Bobby, et al; I need the backpatting from Internet friends. Even if this gets no responses, I need to get back into things that I did when I was clean, remind myself that there is a world outside of shady duplexes and late-night parking lots.

[rtw88]

Hey dude. I thought for a few minutes about saying anything because my age and lack of experience (I've never even smoked pot, although I have no problem with recreational drug use) leave me in no position to give you any advice. I will say though that through the interactions I've had with you, I believe that you are a genuinely kind, thoughtful, and intelligent person and you deserve to treat yourself better. I don't think I have much help to offer, but feel free to PM me or email me or anything if you need someone just to talk to/rant at. I hope that you get everything worked out sooner than later.

[danthemjfan23]

i've said it privately to you, but i'll say it here too: you're one of my absolute favorite people on this board. know that if you EVER need anything from me, i'm just a phone call, a text, or a PM away. if there's anything i can do to help you, whatever it may be, don't hesitate to ask.

[desensitizedbyu]

I have nothing snarky to say, man. Just hang in there and don't lose sight of what's really important to you, which sounds to me like your family. You're a smart guy, you'll get through this.

[lifebystereo]

I know what addiction is like; really sorry to hear that you're in that situation - even though you can't change what's already happened, hopefully if you stay clean you can get your family back. The thing that has worked for me is to remove myself completely from the people and situations that enabled it. Good luck staying clean - even just think about the records you can buy for what you're paying for something that is nothing more than a fleeting feeling that will fuck everything up.

[danthemjfan23]

I have nothing snarky to say, man. Just hang in there and don't lose sight of what's really important to you, which sounds to me like your family. You're a smart guy, you'll get through this.

quit bein such a pussy and say something snarky. it took a lot of balls to do what casey just did. give the man what he wants.

[casey]

Oh man, I seriously could have doubled my collection for what I've spent in the last two months. I haven't even played a record in a month. I definitely don't have a problem staying away from the people and places because the places are shady as fuck and I have nothing besides getting high in common with the people. I loved getting high by myself though, and there's no getting rid of that guy. I think the hardest part right now is facing the repercussions of everything. It's a lot of guilt, but running away is what I did before and I know how that works out.

[lifebystereo]

I loved getting high by myself though, and there's no getting rid of that guy.

Shit, I know how that goes. The consequences are just so huge in this situation, more than even just the physical/mental effects, with the family involved... is there anyone you know who'd be willing to act as a sponsor?

[lokithelion]

You know I'm here for you dude. Opening up about it will hopefully give you a few more people to check in on you. You've got my number.

[controlthebleeding]

Hey dude. I thought for a few minutes about saying anything because my age and lack of experience (I've never even smoked pot, although I have no problem with recreational drug use) leave me in no position to give you any advice. I will say though that through the interactions I've had with you, I believe that you are a genuinely kind, thoughtful, and intelligent person and you deserve to treat yourself better. I don't that I have much help to offer, but feel free to PM me or email me or anything if you need someone just to talk to/rant at. I hope that you get everything worked out sooner than later.

these are my thoughts too.

having to deal with some of my family having issues with drugs, you'd be surprised that just calling someone to vent and talk about problems can make things a whole lot better and put things into perspective. Next time you're jonesin' call someone. you have my #.

[j4m35]

this might not mean much but your posts were always ones i looked forward to reading. always insightful, funny and level-headed.

really hope you pull through positively.

[steventangent]

I don't know that I have anything useful to say, other than laying it all on the line had to take a certain measure of strength, and I hope you have enough of that to get you through this mess.

[mariawithoneeye]

you obviously know what's important and you are making a smart decision.

[silentgods]

Stay Strong dude.

you've just got to realize theres more important shit in life than getting high. i know it sounds hallmark-ish of me to say that.

but its true.

you need anything dude just shoot me a message.

[drabley]

How did I miss this thread?

We've spoken more than enough outside of this place for you to know that I've got your back.

[tanukichu]

This is the first time I haven't been drunk on this board in a while. I felt it massively inappropriate for me to comment on this thread in the state I was in last night.

I have no idea what to say or any advice to offer you casey as I've never been in such a situation. I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from me but I definitely believe in you, that you can kick this and return to your family. You and yours are definitely in my thoughts. No matter how awful you may feel about this right now, know that deep down you're a good person who's just lost his footing. You will bounce back from this wiser and stronger. You're definitely one of the very very very very few reasons I still kick it around these parts; basically one of the reasons I came back after taking a hiatus. There's a lot of people here who care about you and want you to live a happy, healthy life with the ones you love and who care about you. I'm not sure if this is helping at all but I speak from the heart.

I don't know how much help to you I can be, but I'll do my best. Never hesitate to reach out if you need to talk.

[lonesomexloveus]

casey, you know i have lots of <3s for you. and e-hearts translate into real hearts in allison-land.

a lot of people are afraid to talk to me or even mention their drug or drinking problems to me because they're scared i'll react negatively due to the fact that i'm straight edge. that couldn't be further from the truth.

i can't offer any advice from experience on getting/staying clean from the former drug-addict perspective, but just live your life for the upsides; the natural ones. focus on your kids, because i know how much they mean to you.

9 out of 10 VCers will agree - i am a fabulous listener/cheerleader. so text me/call me/pm me/send me smoke signals if you need to vent. or get a female perspective.