mattramone Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 So two guys are sitting at a bar, and a pretty girl approaches them. "I'm only in town for one night. Wanna have some fun fellas?" she asks, and they immediately agree and head back to her hotel room. Things start getting pretty hot and heavy, and she pulls out two condoms and says "you both have to put these on so I don't get pregnant." The three of them go at it all night, and she leaves town in the morning. Three months later the same two guys are sitting at the same bar, and the first one turns to the second one and says "I don't care if she gets pregnant. I'm taking mine off!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hickey Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 The first day of school a first grade teacher told her class she’s a Yankees fan and asked the students to raise their hands if they too are Yankees fans. Not surprisingly, all of the children except for one little girl raised their hands. The teacher asked her why she didn’t raise her hand and the little girl said ‘I’m not a Yankees fan, I’m a Red Sox fan.’ The teacher said ‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Why are you a Red Sox fan?’ The little girl replied ‘because my mother’s a Red Sox fan and my father’s a Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan.’ The teacher, in kind of an annoyed tone, said ‘Well, that’s not a good reason. You can’t let your parents think for you. What if your mom was arrogant and your dad was obnoxious? What would you be then?’ The little girl thought about it for a minute and replied ‘Then I’d be a Yankees fan.’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattramone Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 The first day of school a first grade teacher told her class she’s a Yankees fan and asked the students to raise their hands if they too are Yankees fans. Not surprisingly, all of the children except for one little girl raised their hands. The teacher asked her why she didn’t raise her hand and the little girl said ‘I’m not a Yankees fan, I’m a Red Sox fan.’ The teacher said ‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Why are you a Red Sox fan?’ The little girl replied ‘because my mother’s a Red Sox fan and my father’s a Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan.’ The teacher, in kind of an annoyed tone, said ‘Well, that’s not a good reason. You can’t let your parents think for you. What if your mom was arrogant and your dad was obnoxious? What would you be then?’ The little girl thought about it for a minute and replied ‘Then I’d be a Yankees fan.’ +1. I hate the Yankess almost as much as I hate Dick Cheney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhulud Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 ^^ That is awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dynamitekid Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kouka Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 An amish girl and her mom were riding in their horse and buggy on a particularly cold day, so she turns to her mom and says, "My hands are freeezing!" "Whenever my hands get cold" she says,"I put them between my thighs to warm them up" she answers. And sure enough, it works. The next day, the girl is riding with her boyfriend, and he tells her how cold his hands are. "Well, whenever my hands get cold, I put them between my thighs, like this". So she takes his hands and places them between her thighs. Surprised and excited, the boy waits a little while and says "My nose is ice cold too", and expectedly, she offers for him to put it between her thighs. Now, knowing he has a good thing going, he says "Wow, you won't believe it, my penis is frozen stiff!" She feels it and agrees. The next day, she is having breakfast with her mom and says "Mom, can I ask you something about penises?" Shocked, she says "Of course, honey." "Did you know that a boy's penis can get so cold that it freezes stiff? And what's even worse is that they make an awful mess when they thaw out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heavyheavylowlow Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 Two blokes are stood at the shopping centre customer service desk, one says to the woman on the counter "I've lost my wife". The second bloke says to the first "No way buddy, me two, let's go look for them together". The second bloke asks the first what does his wife look like to which he replies "Oh you know, blonde, beautiful face and a perfect figure, and oh man she's got massive tits, how about yours". The Second bloke replies "fuck my wife, lets find yours" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goraiders Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 Q: Why did Snoop Dogg get an umbrella? A: FoDrizzle Q:Why did the cop get in bed? A: He was going undercover! Q: What did god say to Yogi? A: I made a booboo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattramone Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 Q: Why did Snoop Dogg get an umbrella?A: FoDrizzle Hahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattramone Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 I stole this from my friend, Aaron. Knock knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You...you said you'd never forget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murakami Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 a bear walks into a bar and orders a drink, bartender says "we dont serve bears in here." bear tries to order a drink again, the bartener gives the same response..."we dont serve bears in here." the bear get angry and says, "if you dont give me a drink, i am going to eat that lady at the end of the bar." ........"we dont serve bears in here," says the bartender. the bear goes to the end of the bar, eats the lady and comes back, demanding a drink. bartender says, "we dont serve people on drugs, that was a bar-bitch-you-ate" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boizee Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 A guy walks into a bar with a trail of ducks following him in. A tiny guy is on the end of the bar tinkering away at piano. The bartender asks what the deal is with the ducks. The guy says, "I found this genie in a bottle, and apparently it's hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks and got ducks instead." The bartender says, "I know. What would I ever want with a 12-inch pianist?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattramone Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and tells the bartender, "Give me a beer, and one for the road." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heavyheavylowlow Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 Two muffins are sat cooking in an oven, one muffin turns to the other and says "Boy, it sure is hot in here", the other muffin screams "FUCKING HELL!!! A TALKING MUFFIN" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riddle350 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 If chicks with huge tits work at Hooters where do girls with one leg work at? Ihop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zak138 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 Careful with that joke, it's an antique! Hey-oh!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiefwahoo Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 (Not PC but hey, it's just a joke) What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zak138 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 What do you call an arab that flies a plane? A pilot you fucking racist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magalvsr13 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 why did princess diana cross the road? because she wasnt wearing her seatbelt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sgoodcore Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 why did princess diana cross the road?because she wasnt wearing her seatbelt ouch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magalvsr13 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 why did princess diana cross the road?because she wasnt wearing her seatbelt ouch oh, i should have warned everyone that i have the darkest sense of humor ever Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riddle350 Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 ouch oh, i should have warned everyone that i have the darkest sense of humor ever can we please get more of these mean jokes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flicker Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 What ís better than winning a Gold Medal in the Special Olympics? -Not being retarded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottheisel Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? The dishes and the laundry if she's fucking smart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mclz Posted May 16, 2008 Share Posted May 16, 2008 I stole this from my friend, Aaron.Knock knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You...you said you'd never forget. haha i was actually gonna post that just now, i love that joke. here is a goody. two dyslexic guys walk into a bra. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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