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- Bad day.. my mom broke down crying out of frustration, work sucked.. then my ass JV lacrosse kids set me off because we had a game at 5:00. We get out of school at 3:17. Kids were showing up at 4:40 when they're supposed to get there, 25 minutes away, at 4:00. I dropped way more F-bombs than I should, and did it as my pre-game speech. I finished going off on them by going, "You better figure out a way to get fired up, because you sure as fuck don't look like you care before the game, and I'm sick of being the only one who wants to win."

+ They actually came out and pulled off their first win.

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- Severe leg pain is severe. I really need to see a doctor before I can't even walk anymore. Now they hurt all the time again, does not matter if I'm standing, walking, sitting, or laying down. Shit sucks. I'm broke and have no insurance though.

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- AC in my house is in the process of shitting the bed, and i dont really have money to fix it.

- got a ticket yesterday cause i forgot to renew my tags last month before my birthday

- had to spend forever sitting at the DMV this morning

- tired, exhausted, broke, bummed and beyond stressed

- Townhouse in Jax is still unrented

+ have 2 showings today

+ got good tickets to the Rays vs Braves game this weekend

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For the past week I've been the only person my severely bi-polar Aunt will talk to. It's drained me to attempt to get her off the streets and into a room to discuss getting her a home and proper medical treatment. Today I had to give up for reasons too long and complicated to write here. I'm hollow inside knowing that there is nothing I can do but wait for the phone call that she's killed herself. Her previous attempt left her in a coma for three days with doctors leaving little hope. I struggle to believe this is my family and my life and that I'm powerless to help further as this has been a literal week long fight to save a life. There is no recourse to push her into the system either, it was entirely left to me and I couldn't do it no matter how close I felt to a break through.

I'm drained and feel like an utter failure.

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+ Last week of my stupid fucking internship. I will never again take an unpaid internship, anywhere, ever.

-/+ One friend bailed on punk rock bowling who had the condo hookup in Vegas, can't get a hotel at this point, although we may be able to crash a friend's place. Kind of shitty.

- In a fuckitall kind of mood. Just gonna spin records and stare at the ceiling for a while.

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+rearranged my room today, and it makes way, way more sense now.

+finally put up some posters that hadnt seen the light of day in forever. and the giant wilco poster i got on rsd.

+went for a good bike ride once the sun came out.

+saw two bald eagles during the ride... it was awesome.

+CELTICS CELTICS CELTICS

-i need another job.. badly.

+ive actually been trying.

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-/+ I was at work yesterday and had this bizarre moment where I seemed to decide that I don't want to work my whole life away. I never have free time with all that I do, and I'm absolutely poor as fuck. I have a sticky-note app on my computer's desktop where I have a tab of money I've transferred from my now-empty savings account to my checking account, and it's very depressing. Even living at home with my mom, I can't save a measly 10%. I have $180 in the bank and owe thousands and thousands to the Dept. of Education and Honda Finance. I work my fuckin ass off, and I have nothing to show for it but shitty clothes and a wasteful record collection. A screw in my tire that ended up costing $40 to fix was enough to set me back til my paycheck. Fuck it. If I'm going to be poor, I might as well be poor and be able to hang out with my friends rather than be poor and miss my whole life. I have a fuckin master's degree and I can't find a job. So fuck it. I'm not working so hard anymore. Fuck the American Dream. My mom worked two or three jobs at a time, including being an ER nurse, and now that she's sick she has to fight Social Security, her employers, Medicare, and her private insurance at every step of the way, and she has nothing saved for whatever retirement she'll live through. I'm watching co-workers and peers get cut from education jobs - the basic building blocks of a society - because we value profits and property over people and can't find a way to fund essential services. What does honesty and hard work get you anymore? So I'm done. I'm not playing that game anymore, not chasing that shit.

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Ry. When are you moving to Indy, dude?

And what's this cold shoulder nonsense?

it was just her being a girl.. it was fine by morning.

im hoping for september... but im not sure how im gonna afford it. i was looking at uhaul prices today, and to get a 10ft truck with a trailer for my car, plus gas, itll be about $1500.

and then whatever i have to pay for an apartment.

and i need a job.

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