Adjusting to living alone?

[mattisr1984]

So, I've never lived alone. Whether it was with my family or with my ex-fiance I have always lived with someone. Recently, my ex-fiance (whom I was with for basically 7 years) shattered my heart into a million pieces by cheating on me for the last 2 1/2 months with a coworker. She is more or less moved out and we are separated. Without getting into too much backstory, I (we) bought a house two years ago and basically rebuilt it together with the help of her father. Being that we worked on the house together, its really hard to look at everything there. I've already started rearranging and painting the interior but its still tough. The fact that I work from home makes it even harder since I never leave the house during the day. The worst though is that I cannot sleep in the house at all. In fact, I am struggling to sleep at all without taking something to knock me out (and even then once I wake up I can't fall back asleep) - but in my house its impossible. How do you deal/adjust with living alone?

[Buffbloom]

I went through a similar situation in 2010 finding myself suddenly living alone for the first time. It was really really hard to adjust for a long time. My undiagnosed bipolar escalated, I became suicidal, developed bulimia. It was a really rough year.

Eventually everything worked itself out and loneliness became sort of comforting. It took a while, but it slowly became easier and easier.

Now, I love living alone. I couldn't imagine having to live with a room mate. Having a girlfriend move in would scare the shit out of me. I have a hard time just letting girls spend he night.

Anyway, it'll get easier. I doubt you'll experience he same things as me, but I have no doubt you'll find some comfort in being alone. Hang in there.

[Guest]

first of all, sorry about your situation. sounds shitty.

 

do have any animals? consider getting a pet?

[Buffbloom]

Also, I got a siamese cat a year afterwards. They're unlike any other cat I've experience. They talk like crazy, like a person would. They're great company. I have two now. Best cats ever.

[mattisr1984]

we adopted a dog shortly after we moved in. She's been helping me for sure but its also been a struggle because she is equally confused - doesn't want to eat, keeps thinking cars that go by are my ex-fiance coming home, etc. 

[mikeytags]

I work from home as well, and my wife travels for work from Monday to Thursday, so I kind of know what it's like, minus the shitty parts you're dealing with. I don't know if this is the kind of answer you're looking for, but here's my perspective on spending a majority of my time alone...

 

I agree with the others who said to get a dog or cat. Cats can keep you company inside, but a dog will force you to get outside to walk it and play with it. Shower, brush your teeth, and get dressed every morning. Don't roll out of bed and work in your pajamas for days at a time. Go out for a cup of coffee or lunch every day. Find productive things to do at night like joining a club or a team. Since this is a music board, become a regular at your local music shop or venue, and find ways to meet people with common interests. I'm not saying you have to spend all your time away from home, but since you're in it minimum 8 hours a day, find reasons to get out, and you won't feel as trapped.

[mattisr1984]

I went through a similar situation in 2010 finding myself suddenly living alone for the first time. It was really really hard to adjust for a long time. My undiagnosed bipolar escalated, I became suicidal, developed bulimia. It was a really rough year.

Eventually everything worked itself out and loneliness became sort of comforting. It took a while, but it slowly became easier and easier.

Now, I love living alone. I couldn't imagine having to live with a room mate. Having a girlfriend move in would scare the shit out of me. I have a hard time just letting girls spend he night.

Anyway, it'll get easier. I doubt you'll experience he same things as me, but I have no doubt you'll find some comfort in being alone. Hang in there.

 

I figure time is what its going to take but I never realized it would be like this. I don't think that I'll struggle with the a lot of the  things you did but I'm very aware that being alone with your thoughts isn't good.

[thebiglebowski]

You know when you go on a trip for a week or so and do all kinds of fun shit, then come home and everything is quiet except maybe a TV? It feels kinda weird...like something missing. Feels like that for a day or two, and then you are right back to your normal life and it doesn't feel weird at all.

Same thing, just going to take longer.

 

Probably took me a year to really adjust to living on my own (versus before when it was mom, dad, 2 sisters, and a few pets). Now it doesn't even feel a little weird.

 

What do you do? Maybe you can go to the library for a couple hours and work.

[codeine]

What can I add without reiterating what has already been said? ...

Yeah once you get used to solitude, having other people around can easily become a nuisance. The company of animals is different than humans. I would not recommend to everyone to get an animal, some people are terrible at caring for them. But if you already love animals and are responsible and can give it a good home, that's really the sweet spot right there. You get companionship *and* a taste of solitude, which is amazing. Since you already have a dog, that sounds good. Treat your dog amazing, make it your very best buddy, in case it isn't already. Animals > people.

I think maybe, from what I read... it's not the 'living alone' that's tough, but the 'not having someone around' if that makes sense. It takes time to heal after a breakup, living alone or not, and I think it might be possible to confuse the two. Give it time and you will start to see how much of a blessing solitude can actually be. Make the best of it.

One thing that's key is not to confuse loneliness and solitude. Solitude is *awesome*, and hopefully leaves you with time and space to do the things you want, work on what you want. Play music as loud as you want, get better at an instrument or other hobby without having to worry about people being around, which could be distracting or discouraging.

Maybe invite friends over? Or depending on where you are, maybe get skype? If any of your friends long distance can make the time to skype with you, it's actually pretty cool.

I know many people like to have other people around, but I don't see things that way. I see it as a distraction, like a dog chasing it's own tail. There are people like myself, who read what you are typing, and I understand how the adjustment is difficult, at first. But, really though.... I WISH I could be living in a big house all to myself right now.

I would be OCDing like crazy, and loving every minute of it, getting everything set up exactly as I want it. If you have a workspace/office/studio set it up ergonomically to make work easier and more enjoyable. If you're into organization, living alone is a massive blessing.

Paragraphs are kind of unorganized, but I hope it helps!

[Guest]

I am pretty much in the same boat...I moved from FL to AZ last June to take a job after graduating and foolishly brought my brother along. Fast forward to April 2013 and he is now back in FL.

Anyway, I am "adjusting" to the whole living alone thing, but it is kind of tricky for me because I am also 2000 miles away from home/family/friends. At least all my records are here, even though most of them are still in boxes...

[ronniegwilliams]

Living alone sucked after the divorce.  I didn't work from home and I moved elsewhere, so that made my situation quite a bit easier than yours.  At first I would just try to be at home as little as possible, so the nights were pretty rough.  I spent a bunch of money making the place "mine", buying all of the things that I wanted that she wasn't into when we were together.  Each day the place became more of a home to me.  Having people over for game nights helps a lot as well, there is a sense of the place being yours when you're entertaining.  

Also, really sorry about the situation buddy, I know how rough it can be.  

[mattisr1984]

definitely agree that I am probably mixing living alone with having someone around. I can see how its an easy line to blur and I'm pretty sure my anxiety about sleeping at night is partly related to not having her next to me. The silence is a sinking feeling though too.

 

jimmy - just an fyi but I live in scottsdale. Once I sort through all my shit here (house is in total disarray), I could certainly make do with some new friends.

[morgan]

[daegor]

I really like living alone the one time I did, but it was a very different life situation for me...

 

You need to get out as much as possible.  You probably should do stuff like listen to music when you sleep, get a body pillow and hug it while you sleep (seriously).

 

I might go so far to say rent out the house and live somewhere else, at least for a while.

[mikeytags]

I really like living alone the one time I did, but it was a very different life situation for me...

 

You need to get out as much as possible.  You probably should do stuff like listen to music when you sleep, get a body pillow and hug it while you sleep (seriously).

 

I might go so far to say rent out the house and live somewhere else, at least for a while.

yes! i forgot about the music before bed thing. I've been doing this for months, and it helps a lot.

[mattisr1984]

I really like living alone the one time I did, but it was a very different life situation for me...

 

You need to get out as much as possible.  You probably should do stuff like listen to music when you sleep, get a body pillow and hug it while you sleep (seriously).

 

I might go so far to say rent out the house and live somewhere else, at least for a while.

 

ya I've been leaving a tv on at my parents (where I'm staying at night for now). Will try the body pillow.

 

I've had a few moments where I thought "I dont want to be here anymore. I should just sell it" but then I remind myself of the smokin' deal I got on the house and then I waver.

[isavedlatin54]

i love my girl but DAMN, i miss living alone. dont shower and never wear pants...

[harryq]

Yeah once you get used to solitude, having other people around can easily become a nuisance

One thing that's key is not to confuse loneliness and solitude. Solitude is *awesome*, and hopefully leaves you with time and space to do the things you want, work on what you want. Play music as loud as you want, get better at an instrument or other hobby without having to worry about people being around, which could be distracting or discouraging.

I know many people like to have other people around, but I don't see things that way. I see it as a distraction, like a dog chasing it's own tail. There are people like myself, who read what you are typing, and I understand how the adjustment is difficult, at first. But, really though.... I WISH I could be living in a big house all to myself right now.

I would be OCDing like crazy, and loving every minute of it, getting everything set up exactly as I want it. If you have a workspace/office/studio set it up ergonomically to make work easier and more enjoyable. If you're into organization, living alone is a massive blessing.

 

~this.  I've lived alone for the past 3 years (and I lived alone 2 years of my undergrad), and I love it.  enjoy putting stuff where you want it without someone moving it or asking you why it's there.

 

that said, I'm totally OCD about the stuff in my condo right now.  clean clothes belong on the couch.  clean dishes belong in the dishwasher until there's no more room on the counter for the dirty dishes.  headphones, keys, wallet, backpack, the one mechanical pencil that doesn't have a shitty spring -- all have designated places.  the extra two barstools that don't quite feel right are always against the wall.  the extra bathroom's door is always open.  and when people come over and start moving shit around, I really have to fight back the urge to stop them... seriously, some of my friends know that they're better off leaving their trash on the table and letting me clean up after them.

 

as for loneliness stuff, that's not my area of expertise.  I'm a loner and often go a week without direct human-to-human interaction, and that's only interrupted because I have meetings every wednesday on campus.  heck, I even buy short-term groceries (e.g., juice, grapes, pretzels) at the wal-mart down the street because it has self-checkout (which also means that I can get my stuff and get the hell out of there in 5 minutes).

 

oh, and one side-effect of living/being alone (aside from all of the crazy stuff I've already mentioned) is that I add commentary into every TV show or movie that I watch.  if I'm with people I'm comfortable around (family, close friends), this leads to me adding one-liners throughout pretty much every conversation because I'm not used to anyone caring if I do.

 

anyhoo, I encourage you to be less of a loner than me.  good luck!

[birdwell]

I'm currently in the same situation girlfriend (not fiance) of 6 years left me.   Didn't cheat on me or vice versa, just couldn't deal with me anymore.  We/I don't own this house, but we've only lived here for 5 months.....but I've lived with this girl for the past 5 years, I've never lived alone.....the thought of roomates at 30 is vile to me....but I can't afford rent on my own currently... I need a new job so i can continue living here without breaking the lease and having to find a new place to live and move all of my shit again.    When we moved in November I was so damned excited because this house is fucking perfect.....planned on living here until we could find a place to buy.

 

I've always had trouble sleeping, and this is certainly making it far worse....outside of small parties with my immediate friends....I haven't been out and about in 6 years, essentially been a shut-in if I'm not at a show or working....no clue how to talk to ladies at 30 without a degree or a steady/decent paying job.

 

 

fuck

[konk]

Wow! But for the op, how'd you get to keep the house? Sorry, just curious.

[JacobMckinley]

One thing that always helped me was finding a hobby or project to obsess over. In 2011 My Dad passed away and my long term relationship ended within a month of each other. The Main thing i did to combat loneliness/listlessness was to obsess over my photography and improving and expanding my music library. 

 

It definitely doesn't have to be a pricey obsession, just something you really care about that you can pour a good amount of time into!

[Shitty Rambo]

Try and look at it positively. You now have an abundant amount of time and space to work on yourself and try new things.

Start a band, start painting, learn wood working, start a vlog or podcast, buy a bench press and get yoked out. Find a new hobby.

You also have more privacy. I hear it's very beneficial to video record yourself daily logging things you want to work on/reporting on any progress you've made. Watching the video afterwards or saving for when you feel discouraged is supposed to be very self motivating.

Also I found this list with several quick tips to make solo living easier with a few tricks. Being self sufficient around the house will definitely help you not feel overly alone.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/24-survival-tips-for-living-alone?s=mobile

[mattisr1984]

I'm currently in the same situation girlfriend (not fiance) of 6 years left me.   Didn't cheat on me or vice versa, just couldn't deal with me anymore.  We/I don't own this house, but we've only lived here for 5 months.....but I've lived with this girl for the past 5 years, I've never lived alone.....the thought of roomates at 30 is vile to me....but I can't afford rent on my own currently... I need a new job so i can continue living here without breaking the lease and having to find a new place to live and move all of my shit again.    When we moved in November I was so damned excited because this house is fucking perfect.....planned on living here until we could find a place to buy.

 

I've always had trouble sleeping, and this is certainly making it far worse....outside of small parties with my immediate friends....I haven't been out and about in 6 years, essentially been a shut-in if I'm not at a show or working....no clue how to talk to ladies at 30 without a degree or a steady/decent paying job.

 

 

fuck

 

financially I can handle the house, thankfully. Its a lot tighter but I can get by anyway. If not, I probably would have cracked already. The stress of what's happened is enough for me. Everything else though, I know exactly how you feel. I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. My mind races. I put on headphones and that stops me from thinking but I still can't fall back asleep. I'm starting to feel like a zombie during the day.

 

Wow! But for the op, how'd you get to keep the house? Sorry, just curious.

 

the house is only in my name. Of course, once we were to be married what's mine was to be hers and vice versa (I had hoped we were to be married by next spring).

[konk]

Still talk to the father-in-law?

[mattisr1984]

Still talk to the father-in-law?

 

yes, her family have been saints to me through everything. this has all really come down in the last few weeks - so the shock is still lingering.