CONFESSIONS

[Guest]

man ryan. reading that made my stomach hurt. brought up a lot of memories of my first relationship that I don't let myself think about often.

 

even the fighting though, it's all pure passion. It's scary when you realize just how much you can feel for someone.

[Guest]

and i didn't bother with the parts where i was probably cheated on. it just didn't really come up as i was typing.

[Guest]

Madie, you never confessed who the VC crush was!

 

I placed a bet!

 

someone will figure it out eventually.

[Guest]

one of the things i struggle with is wondering if we are ever going to talk. i feel like she deserves to hear some of the stuff i have to say. but it's tough. because even when we do talk/hang out, i find myself walking on egg shells the whole time. 

 

the only time i've actually opened up to her when when i told her about jamie. when i let her know that i hadn't felt that way since we started out. but really, that's as deep as i've gotten with her.

[abovetheearth]

I would rather not know. Knowing things sometimes ruins the thrill of the unknown.

[Guest]

do you have to do it face to face? write her a letter.

[Guest]

i've thought about it. i've also thought about writing jamie.

 

and then i don't.

 

either would be appropriate, i suppose. jamie, since our relationship was essentially based on type.

 

but when christina and i fought, we would often resort to going to opposite sides of the room and writing down everything we had to say. shit just got so heavy that neither of us could make any sense or even let the other actually say what they needed to.

you have no idea how painful it is to find some of this stuff tucked into old sketch pads.

[Guest]

Write that shit, even if you don't send the letters. write them

[Green Tea Papi]

Well, Charles Bukowsk, I'll leave you with the years of wisdom young adult fiction has given me:

   We spend our whole lives rewriting, the first poem we ever loved. Though no other poem will ever compare because the feelings it made you feel were special and like no poem before or after. That's the thing though, no two poems are alike on paper they're similar in stanza and context but different, in rhyme scheme and execution. Do not be upset that it's over, be glad that it happened, be glad that she made you feel amazing for years. Love is like nothing else on this earth as it takes time to brake down an fade and it never does 100% it has tainted us with nostalgic memories. Over time the bitterness will fade and hopefully you will become friends again or maybe not, but that's the thing about life and love, it's unpredictable and only time will tell.

I hope this helped as much as it thought I did, I'm sorry if it didn't, but good night I hope all goes well.

[Guest]

HOLY SHIT, TEENAGEERIC JUST BROUGHT THE THUNDER. THE TENDER THUNDER.

[Guest]

The tender teenage thunder

[Guest]

sometimes the most random shit sets me off. like on a hot summer day, my basement gives off this smell, and all i can think of are the times that we would have to run inside from swimming, because we just neeeded to fuck. it reminds me of the mornings where i would wake up next to her wearing nothing but underwear and a tank top.

even my friend's house that we lived at... i was there one day in october, and again, the house just had a smell to it. and it brought me right back to the day that we moved in. 

[unwound]

Confession? I might have a piss test tomorrow..and I just don't give a fuck. I kind of want to be let go, which is sad because it's a stable, well paying job. Gotta love them first world problems.

[3arl]

Jesus, I was about to agree with Casey in telling Eric to wait til college, but damn Ryan's story makes my girl problems seem tiny. If something like that (or even half that bad) happened to me, I would go literally (like actually literally) insane.

[ronniegwilliams]

someone will figure it out eventually.

 

start a raffle, $2 entry, 5 entry max, the winner gets to become your internet crush for 3 to 6 months

[Guest]

goddammit.. i just went back and read it, and of course i have more to say.

 

when we were together, she always wanted to move away together. to live somewhere else. having never really left the area, i had no desire to give that to her. i was content here with my friends, my family, the place i've called home my whole life.

eventually, i got on a plane and went to california one day. that was one of the most amazing things that's ever happened to me, and it changed my entire perspective of staying put. it made me want to at least travel and see new things.

 

but as this story goes, there has to be a gut wrench involved, right?

 

i went to california for my friend's wedding. we were still together when the invitation came. the trip was amazing, and most of it was spent with just the guys anyway, but of course her absence was noticeable.

 

but the reason i bring this up, is because at one point i convinced myself that the only way we could work would be if we went away together. went to a place where my friends and her family weren't in the way, and we could just be alone.

 

it's also lovely that somewhat shortly after this all happened... my friends basically disappeared. the two whose house we would stay at every night moved to cleveland and south dakota. two of my friends are in committed relationships, and we hardly see them as a result. at this point it's really just two of us who really make it a point to hang out.

but again, i can't help but imagine "what if?" when one of the biggest obstacles we faced just doesn't even exist anymore.

[maneatingcow]

Confessions

 

- I sleep on my couch instead of my king size bed every night because it doesn't feel as lonely

 

 

I actually don't have a bed for this exact reason.  I do own a Futon, but that hasn't been in bed form since my last girlfriend which was going on 2 years ago now.

[harryq]

i can't imagine anyone is actually going to read this.

 

I read it!  and not to be insensitive or anything, but I loved this part: 

 

her teddy bear hanged from the ceiling fan

 

that said, I enjoy fun/creepy things.  for instance, I enjoy stuffing those "business reply mail" envelopes you get from credit card companies with cardboard and junk mail (just doing my part to help the usps), and then decorating the back of the envelopes with ransom note style collage art.  no matter how stressed out I am, doing ~15 of those at a time is super relaxing.  unfortunately, after mailing at least 100 such envelopes out over a 2 year period, I stopped getting as many credit card offers...

[maneatingcow]

Rybread, just got done reading your drama.  I wish I had profound little
piece of wisdom for you, but I don't.  I can't even say I can empathize
because I've never been through something so intense.

 

[kriss]

read that whole thing. damn, dude. Ry, you're one of my favorite people here. major respect for spilling all of that. as a way of therapy, maybe writing out the whole five years into some sort of book or story form may help? last year, I finally sat down and wrote out what happened in the year after high school ended - one of the best and worst years i've ever had. Took me about 60,000 words to do it, but it helped me process and ultimately put a lot of unresolved mess away.

[controlthebleeding]

damn ry, i read the whole thing. you should write a country song about it.

 

the only thing about being lonely most of the time, you never get hurt. but then again it has it's own set o problems. usually it can be remedied by masturbation and lots of food. not at the same time of course.

 

ronnie, you inspired me to get a futon. why do i really need this bed. it's cumbersome and i can actually sit in a futon and possibly get a tv and be comfortable instead of laying here with my computer on my chest (which has literally caused a burn on my bare skin at one point).

my bed hasn't seen action since george w was in his first term of office. i seriously don't think anything's going to change soon. might as well start learning to live life like a cat lady. but at least i'll have room for a desk or something. 

[circuit bored records]

12:57 AM... FROSTED FLAKES

[controlthebleeding]

I had Cinnamon Apple cheerios around midnight.

[Guest]

finally got to sleep, after a hard fought battle, just to wake up 2 hours later. it's 5:00. i'm wide awake. fuck.

 

 

i also managed to forget one of my main bullet points in all of that.

 

christina greatly affected my ability to perform.

 

like i said, the sex was top notch...when we actually had it. we each knew every button to push, although i'm sure that's the case with just about any healthy relationship that lasts. 

but for a while, i struggled to not think about her while i was with somebody. once again, using her as the standard. losing an erection while a girl was riding me- out of boredom or just disappointment that she wasn't as good.

but my biggest problem now is my inability to finish. this can probably be attributed to me being drunk half the time i get laid, but i really think she plays here.

because she was never on the pill while we were together. just another one of those many frustrating quirks of hers. it sucked, but that meant she sucked. so there was nothing holding me back in knowing that once i reached the edge, her heavenly mouth awaited.

 

without that guarantee, sex usually just ends in exhaustion. in the last 10 or so times i've gotten laid, i'd say i've finished twice.

and where that really fucks with me is where jamie comes into play. when she told me she's never had an orgasm, i became kind of despondent. like sex with her lost some allure when i knew i wasn't achieving anything. and here i am, barely able to get there myself.

 

really though, it does feel good actually writing this stuff. and telling someone(s) for a change. like i said at the start of the story, this feels like therapy.. something that i've gone though phases of thinking i've needed since high school. i was just always too scared to say anything to my parents. plus whatever bullshit that was bugging me, i'd get over it.

really, you guys are a whole new family to me. everyone close to me knows about my past with christina. it's a big part of who i am. i don't think i ever fought so hard for anything in my life as i did to make us work. so i felt is as necessary to tell you guys about that as it is for me to just vent it all out. 

[thehippysteve]

I'll add one myself

 

While I can't disect my problem to something mental (which I'm sure that's it) quite yet, I'll throw some ideas out there. Even at 23 I too have regular issues with finishing, the keeping an erection thing not so much (that was one awful drunk night). The majority of my sexual partners are totally meaningless, barely know them, random events. Which I think I can tie to my problem.

 

I can get annoyed fairly easily. Sometimes judgemental. And when I'm "talking" to a girl often it gets to that point where I find something out I don't really like, opinions, attitude towards something, which causes me to immediately lose interest. Even over pretty small stuff. Thusly The kinda bar pick ups, or random friends of friends, or whatever (well some of that is just being in my early 20's) and the only thing going is some attraction. So I'm pretty sure all that's going through the back of my head is how pointless this is.

 

And confession two, I've totally faked plenty of orgasms (haven't been caught so far).