MAN ADVICE

[sinisterkidd]

She should just chill. Weed is good.

[sjb2k1]

T she is not gonna chill on this heerrrrgh

[laralaurent]

 Weed is good.

[sjb2k1]

i seriously thought we had talked this out but i guess not

 

i love this girl so damn much

 

but sometimes i get high with my bro/dad when i am home for holidays

 

i guess that's enough to throw away this relationship argh

[Guest]

she doesn't have any right trying to interrupt the way you spend time with your family.

[sjb2k1]

pretty sure even if i pissed in a cup for her it wouldn't be enough because i've smoked before and lied about it. not that it's okay to lie to your girlfriend. but there's a shit storm every time i smoke so i would lie to avoid the shit storm, you know? i really love this girl but i am starting to think we are at a point where we break up over weed llooololol what the fuckkkkkk

[jase]

pretty sure even if i pissed in a cup for her it wouldn't be enough because i've smoked before and lied about it. not that it's okay to lie to your girlfriend. but there's a shit storm every time i smoke so i would lie to avoid the shit storm, you know? i really love this girl but i am starting to think we are at a point where we break up over weed llooololol what the fuckkkkkk

Why not just not smoke it?

I mean, clearly it means a lot to her. And you're being quite blasé about it. So you could just not do it. If there's something about her that pisses you off, bring it up. Get her to stop whatever. It's all about compromise.

What do you want more? To be high for a couple of hours, or a happy girl friend?

[cbbrew22]

Ok so I didn't know where else to ask this so I am asking it here. I have a friend who has a PROBLEM with personal hygiene. The kid stinks and is just dirty. He was one if my interns earlier this year and is only a few years younger than me and I kind of see him as a younger brother. I like to bring him around from job to job (I work freelance) and it is to the point where it's a little embarrassing bringing him with or recommending him for other jobs even. People do notice and have said something to me from time to time. How do I talk to him about this? The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt his feelings or make things awkward between us. What do I say?

[zacaroo21]

Shouldn't be too worried about hurting feelings when it comes to something like that. If you're working in a professional setting he should be well kept and presentable to others. Lay it out for him let him know others have approached you about it and that you don't want him to miss out on opportunities because he couldn't take 10 minutes to shower, put on deodorant, and brush his teeth (bare minimum of personal care).

[GradedOnACurve]

I don't get how some people just can't shower brush their teeth and put on deodorant every day. What's the reason not to? I have a friend or two with this problem as well, but I don't see them too often.

[deafening]

i seriously thought we had talked this out but i guess not

 

i love this girl so damn much

 

but sometimes i get high with my bro/dad when i am home for holidays

 

i guess that's enough to throw away this relationship argh

 

Has she talked to you about specifically why she is so against it? Not just "it's bad"

 

Maybe coordinate your non tobacco time around when she will be working or sleeping if she doesn't like to talk to you after the fact? But from what it sounds, she wouldn't even be down with that.

 

And this is not meant in a bad way, but unless there is some deep emotional issue against it, maybe she just needs to be educated on it. Weed's got a bad rep around folks who aren't aware of the positive properties.

[Guest]

nah really guys she's super pissed off right now. we had this long convo yesterday but i guess because i answered "idk" to "is weed bad" now we're all fucked up

 

fuck

sounds like this non-issue is become a huge issue. you say you ONLY do it when you go see your family, right? it’s not like you’re smoking every day. I think only doing in once in a while is pretty rare for someone who enjoys smoking. I feel like there’s something more to it, and why she is so upset. it’s not like you’re going to bars and getting wasted talking to other girls. You’re chilling out with your family. I’m very confused as to why she’s so upset.

 

and definitely should've said 'no' to 'is weed bad' haha.

 

if she does decide to smoke with you, just get her a little high and get some munchies or watch something funny on tv. good to go. she'll see the light.

[BuzzersonKillwell]

He comes what might be an unpopular opinion. 

 

I think you should find a girlfriend that shares your interest, or at the very least, doesn't get super pissed about it. 

[scottheisel]

So glad for all of the advice!  They are very good people - extremely conservative christian types, very generous and giving, and just general upstanding people, haha.  It's blowing my mind that they would put forth such a kind gesture to us, as neither of us are christians anymore, and we've been living together "outside of marriage", but they are certainly not the type of people that would hold something like this over my head as far as trying to get things out of me in the future.

 

I think the thing that really makes me scratch my head, is just how it appears overall - even though it's exciting at the moment that she's able to get the ring she wants for free - down the line, I'm just wondering if I'll feel silly for not "making the investment" myself.  Neither of us are people that really put a lot of stock into these sorts of things, so it's just hard for me to process.  I also don't really know how to "repay" them for something like this.  They don't want money, they ask for nothing in return, it sort of makes me feel very childish, and I certainly want to make it very clear how appreciative we are of something like this, and that it wasn't something we "needed", and still show I'm a "capable suitor", haha.  I'm probably just over thinking all of it - I just don't want to be viewed as a cheapskate, or "the son in law that didnt buy my daughter a ring", hahaha I dont know.

 

My brother was put into sort of a similar situation. My mom told me and him a long time ago that she wanted to keep her engagement ring in the family and whoever was going to get engaged first, she wanted to have that person use her ring, no strings attached. He got engaged before I did (on top of the goddamn Eiffel Tower, no less!), so he used our mom's engagement ring and what he did to "pay it forward" as it were was when I was looking to get engaged was he got it appraised and then sent me half of what it was currently worth to help cover the cost of my own engagement ring. That was a MASSIVE help to me. So I don't know if your girlfriend/future fiancee has any siblings, but if she does, that could be something you could keep in mind whenever they're getting near their own engagement.

 

EDIT: Honestly, I wish my wife's family would've had some sort of heirloom ring to pass down, haha—could've used the money I would've saved for a bomb-ass honeymoon!

[futures]

My brother was put into sort of a similar situation. My mom told me and him a long time ago that she wanted to keep her engagement ring in the family and whoever was going to get engaged first, she wanted to have that person use her ring, no strings attached. He got engaged before I did (on top of the goddamn Eiffel Tower, no less!), so he used our mom's engagement ring and what he did to "pay it forward" as it were was when I was looking to get engaged was he got it appraised and then sent me half of what it was currently worth to help cover the cost of my own engagement ring. That was a MASSIVE help to me. So I don't know if your girlfriend/future fiancee has any siblings, but if she does, that could be something you could keep in mind whenever they're getting near their own engagement.

 

EDIT: Honestly, I wish my wife's family would've had some sort of heirloom ring to pass down, haha—could've used the money I would've saved for a bomb-ass honeymoon!

That is a huge gesture from your brother!  That was super nice of him and it's really a great way to pay it forward.

[sinisterkidd]

T she is not gonna chill on this heerrrrgh

I'm really curious as to why she is so against weed? My ex used to hate that I smoked but I had got into trouble with the cops so that's why. You should make her like a PowerPoint and show her how weed is way better than drinking or smoking tobacco. I mean it's gunna be legal like everywhere pretty soon, it really shouldn't be a big deal to anyone if you wanna smoke occasionally. Especially if you're in the safety of your own home. It would be really dumb to break up over you smoking but I'm on your side and you haven't done anything wrong. She needs to try an understand where you are coming from. Get her stones for sure and watch super high me or some shit.

[sjb2k1]

Why not just not smoke it?

I mean, clearly it means a lot to her. And you're being quite blasé about it. So you could just not do it. If there's something about her that pisses you off, bring it up. Get her to stop whatever. It's all about compromise.

What do you want more? To be high for a couple of hours, or a happy girl friend?

we're at a point where even if i don't, she still probably won't believe me. and it doesn't change all the times i did, plus the times i did it but didn't tell her until she asked. i suppose i'm being blase about it, as you say, because this situation occurs 2-3 times a year at most. for the other 50 weeks out of the year i'm smoke-free. there's more to this but it starts to get into the dynamic of my family, how i feel like i have a completely separate life with them in western NY vs my life i've established here in NC, and that's a long ass story.

[sjb2k1]

Has she talked to you about specifically why she is so against it? Not just "it's bad"

 

Maybe coordinate your non tobacco time around when she will be working or sleeping if she doesn't like to talk to you after the fact? But from what it sounds, she wouldn't even be down with that.

 

And this is not meant in a bad way, but unless there is some deep emotional issue against it, maybe she just needs to be educated on it. Weed's got a bad rep around folks who aren't aware of the positive properties.

 

her last girlfriend had some serious drug issues. it all came to a head for them when they were supposed to be going on a road trip and this chick called her up basically saying "sry too busy blowing coke not coming byeee"

 

i told her i would try to quit smoking when i was home with my family. she thinks i was lying to keep her in the relationship. which i wasn't, and i meant it, but stuff doesn't always go as planned. i don't know how to explain it to her better than that. sometimes i've been successful in not smoking and other times i have smoked. but every time has been a good faith effort not to do it.

 

sounds like this non-issue is become a huge issue. you say you ONLY do it when you go see your family, right? it’s not like you’re smoking every day. I think only doing in once in a while is pretty rare for someone who enjoys smoking. I feel like there’s something more to it, and why she is so upset. it’s not like you’re going to bars and getting wasted talking to other girls. You’re chilling out with your family. I’m very confused as to why she’s so upset.

 

and definitely should've said 'no' to 'is weed bad' haha.

 

if she does decide to smoke with you, just get her a little high and get some munchies or watch something funny on tv. good to go. she'll see the light.

it really is only when i'm up north or like in september, when my bro came down here for vacation. i guess i'd smoke here if i could but none of my friends are into that kind of thing. i think it's more now because i wasn't forthright with her about it the last time and didn't tell her until she asked. in fairness it's because she flips shit about it.

 

i was playing fallout and perhaps wasn't 100% aware of what i was typing. but it's not bad for everyone!

He comes what might be an unpopular opinion. 

 

I think you should find a girlfriend that shares your interest, or at the very least, doesn't get super pissed about it. 

we're pretty much eye to eye on everything but this. and it's flaring up right now because a trip to see my family is happening in a week.

[zacaroo21]

Shit's whack, Steph. She can't hold a past experience over your head. You gave her your word and she can either trust it or accept it for what it is.

[scottheisel]

I have a different perspective on the whole weed thing. I've never smoked, never wanted to and don't like what it does to people. My wife used to smoke infrequently, including a few times somewhat early on in our relationship (that I know about, at least). I was extremely upset about it, mainly because it was something she knew I didn't like but she chose to do it anyway—the same thing you're doing here.

 

It's not an issue of your partner trying to make you change something about you so they feel superior or in control or anything; it's an issue of your partner asking you not to be selfish and think about what they want instead. Make them feel loved by making this incredibly minor sacrifice. Think of it this way: What gives you more consistent happiness, your girlfriend or weed?

 

It goes back to that HuffPo article Ry posted the other day, about how "marriage isn't for you" — it's true. Marriage, or really any relationship, isn't for you—it's for the other person. I'm with my partner and loyal to her because I want her to be happy, and vice versa.

[sjb2k1]

you make a good point Scott. i have been seeing it as her making me change. and i resent it. i don't smoke cigarettes, i have a steady job, i own a house, my car is entirely paid off, etc, and i felt like all of those things were far more important than if i get high with my brother before my extended family comes over for christmas.

 

either way, i'm honestly at a point where i don't even want to go home for thanksgiving so i can just avoid this whole thing. the drive alone makes me not want to go, plus the stress of being home (which is a long story), and this just makes it all worse.

[BuzzersonKillwell]

It goes back to that HuffPo article Ry posted the other day, about how "marriage isn't for you" — it's true. Marriage, or really any relationship, isn't for you—it's for the other person. I'm with my partner and loyal to her because I want her to be happy, and vice versa.

 

I sort of feel like this is bullshit, at least when applied unilaterally. I want my wife to be happy but not at the expense of my own happiness. It isn't sustainable or healthy. So, if it is something trivial, then fine. But if you really enjoy something, whether it be weed or something healthier, and you don't want to change, you shouldn't have to. 

 

Ultimatums breed resentment. Serenity now, insanity later. 

[scottheisel]

I sort of feel like this is bullshit, at least when applied unilaterally. I want my wife to be happy but not at the expense of my own happiness. It isn't sustainable or healthy. So, if it is something trivial, then fine. But if you really enjoy something, whether it be weed or something healthier, and you don't want to change, you shouldn't have to. 

 

Ultimatums breed resentment. Serenity now, insanity later. 

 

For sure, ultimatums never really work. But in a good relationship, you never have to take it that far. In the situation with my wife, she saw how upset I was about the weed smoking and, to the best of my knowledge, has never done it since. I'm sure she's had opportunities to, as I travel relatively frequently for work, but I don't even think about it because I trust that she would never purposely do something again that so visibly upset me the first time.

[Guest]

I might be the only woman in the world who disagreed with that marriage isn't for you article.

[BuzzersonKillwell]

That was my point too. I'm not saying don't comprmise, I'm saying don't compromise on shit that is important to you. 

 

Everyone deserves the right to be happy. If weed makes you happy, go nuts. If you're partner hates it, find a new motherfucking partner that shares you're interest. Or, If you don't really care about it that much, than quit.