Small Talk Revival Thread

[deafening]

"Who wants to see this shitty world clearly anyways?" is one of my favorite lyrics ever. 

 

"I figured out as I got older that life just sucks when you get sober;

I figured out when I got sober that life just sucks when you get older."

[Sad Heart]

Good luck with everything, dude.

I've been having suicide dreams and ideation lately. I've always known I would take my own life some day, I just like to tell myself it'll be later rather than sooner.

I believe 100% that we should be allowed to choose how and when we die.

 

Thanks, dude. I don't know how it's going to go. I haven't really gone into depth about everything with him. I haven't had a dark conversation with him like that before, or anything emotional. He knows I'm depressed and I'm going to see a therapist, but he doesn't know the half of it. Being apart for the last 4 years has allowed him to appreciate me more, and I am. It's nice to give me a call and the first thing he says is "I was just thinking about you". Not in the 24 years I lived with / near by him did he ever say anything like that.

 

The real challenge will be avoiding my Mom, and not having her know any of this, since she is a large part of why I hate myself / life / family (minus Dad) / blahblahblah (super long story).

 

It's to the point where my friend (well, this girl I hooked up with / have been friends with for a few years / claims to care about me) messaged my best friend about how she could tell I am depressed / am worried about it. I guess if a girl I only talk throw text and have only met once can tell shit must be bad. Haha.

 

Damn, I just went on a downer tangent. Sorry, guys. Haha.

[Sad Heart]

I've never wanted to hang out with you more.

 

Haha. I'm learning we have more in common than I firs thought.

 

Best part is that I'll be in VA, so I can get a pack of Lucky Strikes, sit on the balcony, and catch up with him. Damn, I have missed smoking Lucky Strikes, and it'll be perfect cause it's winter. Smoking and winter go hand in hand.

[NapalmBrain]

it's fine its why I'm moving too, i'm either wasted drunk or want to cease to exist. Therapy is good, but it doesn't outweigh living in butt fuck no where, crazy military and conservatives, a total lack of jobs that cater to my skill set/I would enjoy, very few people I can count on, and I just can't stand living with my mother, she cares and she means well, but I have difficulty with most women because of being nitpicked and judged for 30 years. I need a change of pace, it frightens me cause I haven't taken care of myself in so long and selling most of my record collection will suck if it doesn't work out, but what if it does? Plus i'm sure I can find a new therapist wherever I move

[Guest]

I think living life sober is worse at times. I more so appreciate the idea of slowly killing yourself. I think alcohol would be my last choice.

 

I'm already doing that with cigarettes.

[Guest]

Man, we all have some problems. Probably what brings us all together, well that and music/records. I don't know where I'd be without these boards and some of you guys sometimes.

[Sad Heart]

I can't stop thinking about the irony of seeing a therapist though. You go to a person to talk about how shit your life is or how want to kill yourself to someone in a field with the highest rate of suicide. Knowing me I'll probably end up psycho analyzing my therapist, and turn it into a game.

[Guest]

I've been to a therapist a few times, and hated it. You need to find one you trust/understands you. The girl I talked to was a joke, and was clueless. The second one I tried, the first day I same him, he didn't ask me any questions or do anything just told me to double my meds and come back in a month. It cost me $150. Fuck that guy.

[Bladewillisisdead]

Thanks, dude. I don't know how it's going to go. I haven't really gone into depth about everything with him. I haven't had a dark conversation with him like that before, or anything emotional. He knows I'm depressed and I'm going to see a therapist, but he doesn't know the half of it. Being apart for the last 4 years has allowed him to appreciate me more, and I am. It's nice to give me a call and the first thing he says is "I was just thinking about you". Not in the 24 years I lived with / near by him did he ever say anything like that.

The real challenge will be avoiding my Mom, and not having her know any of this, since she is a large part of why I hate myself / life / family (minus Dad) / blahblahblah (super long story).

It's to the point where my friend (well, this girl I hooked up with / have been friends with for a few years / claims to care about me) messaged my best friend about how she could tell I am depressed / am worried about it. I guess if a girl I only talk throw text and have only met once can tell shit must be bad. Haha.

Damn, I just went on a downer tangent. Sorry, guys. Haha.

My mother is a horrible person who fucked me up in ways I'll never fix.

While I believe everyone has the right to choose how/when they die, it's important to remember that life sucks and the universe is unfair. Some have everything handed to them or achieved with minimal effort. Others will struggle immeasurably to no gain. Don't let the universe win. Hold out. Live out of spite. I've spent a decade under the influence (with sporadic periods of sobriety), keeping myself around under the knowledge I'll get fucked up some more and someone will probably fuck me. Basically, until you're 40 there's always someone out there who will fuck you. Live for whatever small comforts you can find. Live to keep buying records, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, whatever. Stick around to hatefully experience the fleeting joys you can find. Suicide, while not shameful, is permanent. Keep it up your sleeve, but wait.

I'm going through some serious shit (Blade can confirm that I should leave) that kills me daily. I'm fighting and sticking around because the glimmer of hope is enough to keep me going. The small joys keep me alive when 95% of my life is pain.

Don't give up until you truly have nothing.

[NapalmBrain]

Man, we all have some problems. Probably what brings us all together, well that and music/records. I don't know where I'd be without these boards and some of you guys sometimes.

 

here here, my local support system sucks outside of therapy once a week, i'll be curious to see her take on moving. Probably be like my parents "get your head right before you move", how can I do that when the communitty sucks, I'm not closer to moving out, can't find another enjoyable job, and this place is a constant reminder of a failed marriage, failed career and failed relationships. No amount of drugs or therapy is going to change that, I know it's about altering your mind state but no matter how hard I try I can't shake these things. Especially when everyone in my community from California is trying to help me find roomates, jobs in various cities and I can't get as much as a word of encouragement from anyone local. Colorado Springs sucks

[Bladewillisisdead]

I've been to a therapist a few times, and hated it. You need to find one you trust/understands you. The girl I talked to was a joke, and was clueless. The second one I tried, the first day I same him, he didn't ask me any questions or do anything just told me to double my meds and come back in a month. It cost me $150. Fuck that guy.

I saw a therapist once a week between the ages of 8 and 18. I've been on more meds and med combos than I can count. If it helps you, great. But know that therapy can do nothing for some people. I'm one of them.

[GreatGreenOne77]

Man, we all have some problems. Probably what brings us all together, well that and music/records. I don't know where I'd be without these boards and some of you guys sometimes.

 

Same here T3. This place helps remind me I'm not the only one who likes what I like and struggles with the same problems as well. My wife jokes because she says I have made friends with multiple versions of myself here so that is why I am always on lol

[NapalmBrain]

I personally love my therapist, she is the only real form of emotional support I have left. There is nothing else left for me here, and everything else shitty in my life is holding back real progress

[Bladewillisisdead]

I don't want any of you to die. I hope none of you want me to die. Solidarirty among the broken is important.

[NapalmBrain]

I don't want to die but it's going to happen if i don't move or get some kind of a crazy big break that falls into my lap

[Sad Heart]

I've been to a therapist a few times, and hated it. You need to find one you trust/understands you. The girl I talked to was a joke, and was clueless. The second one I tried, the first day I same him, he didn't ask me any questions or do anything just told me to double my meds and come back in a month. It cost me $150. Fuck that guy.

 

I've been jaded about seeing one for the last decade. The reason being is because my mom used to blame me for everything that went wrong in life so she sent me to a therapist that would agree with her, blame me, med me up, and "fix me". I went to three different "doctors". Of course I was a smart, and rebellious teenager so I just fucked with their heads, yelled at my mom, made me hate her even more, and it just wasted everyone's and exacerbated the whole situation. Now I'm doing it for me, so we'll see what happens. First thing is to find a job with good insurance so I don't have to pay a lot.

 

I definitely think they shouldn't charge for the first visit. What if you don't like the doctor? What if you don't vibe? What if it is a complete waste of time? You have to interview them just as much as they interview you. It's an intense relationship. And I certainly don't want to go in there and just have some asshole barely listen just to throw meds at me. Fuck that. Jameson is cheaper.

[Guest]

I saw a therapist once a week between the ages of 8 and 18. I've been on more meds and med combos than I can count. If it helps you, great. But know that therapy can do nothing for some people. I'm one of them.

 

I think I am too. It was a fucking joke both places. The one girl I gave a chance on around 4 months of sessions before I stopped going. It did nothing for me.

[Bladewillisisdead]

I've been jaded about seeing one for the last decade. The reason being is because my mom used to blame me for everything that went wrong in life so she sent me to a therapist that would agree with her, blame me, med me up, and "fix me". I went to three different "doctors". Of course I was a smart, and rebellious teenager so I just fucked with their heads, yelled at my mom, made me hate her even more, and it just wasted everyone's and exacerbated the whole situation. Now I'm doing it for me, so we'll see what happens. First thing is to find a job with good insurance so I don't have to pay a lot.

I definitely think they shouldn't charge for the first visit. What if you don't like the doctor? What if you don't vibe? What if it is a complete waste of time? You have to interview them just as much as they interview you. It's an intense relationship. And I certainly don't want to go in there and just have some asshole barely listen just to throw meds at me. Fuck that. Jameson is cheaper.

We seriously have so much in common. It's kind of ridiculous.

[Sad Heart]

I've always thought about suicide, but that shit is for cowards. I might have next to nothing to live for, hate almost every second I am alive, but there are the little things. Music is really the only thing that keeps me going. So really I need to reverse the depression / find a better way to cope with it.

[Guest]

I don't want any of you to die. I hope none of you want me to die. Solidarirty among the broken is important.

 

 

I don't want to die but it's going to happen if i don't move or get some kind of a crazy big break that falls into my lap

 

I certainly don't want anyone here to die.

[DecayToDeath]

I don't want to die but it's going to happen if i don't move or get some kind of a crazy big break that falls into my lap

I don't want to die but I feel like I wouldn't care much if I did. Mostly because I'd be dead.

[NapalmBrain]

If you don't have a job there is still therapists who take medicaid, mine takes it and is really helpful

[Bladewillisisdead]

I've always thought about suicide, but that shit is for cowards. I might have next to nothing to live for, hate almost every second I am alive, but there are the little things. Music is really the only thing that keeps me going. So really I need to reverse the depression / find a better way to cope with it.

I've tried, so I can't judge. It's not something I would recommend or encourage but at a certain point I see nothing wrong with it.

[Guest]

I've always thought about suicide, but that shit is for cowards. I might have next to nothing to live for, hate almost every second I am alive, but there are the little things. Music is really the only thing that keeps me going. So really I need to reverse the depression / find a better way to cope with it.

 

It's crossed my mind a few times, but I agree with everything you said here. I want to be stronger than that, no matter how much I suffer. Music is the greatest thing in the world, and it keeps me going as well.

[Sad Heart]

If you don't have a job there is still therapists who take medicaid, mine takes it and is really helpful

 

Yeah, I'm going to read into what my options are when I get back, and settled in. Going to hang with my Dad, and best friend for a while, and see how much that alters my mood / feelings, then go from there.