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MAN ADVICE v2.0


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the application of that word above might be the craziest i've ever seen. that is some desperation shit.

 

though i will say, that while reading lebowski's entry, i was confused to its purpose, given the whole thing seemed to just tear his date down with no positives emerging.

but i'm also the kind of guy who is absolutely thrilled when a date agrees to split a mountain of nachos with me.

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So basically the girl I've been seeing for the past 3 months ended things on the 8th, the day before my birthday. It's a tough pill to swallow because she's become my bestfriend over these 3 months, we were always together. We were always together at school, she'd always be over at my house, sleep over, etc. Then I bring up where she sees this going one night when we're laying in bed, and the next day things were over. It came out of fucking nowhere. She said "something clicked in my head". She says her feelings for me "aren't strong enough". Since that happened, we've still hung out at school non stop, laughing, having fun, etc. But then I go home at night and realize that it's over. She tells me she has feelings for me, wishes she could come over and cuddle, but that she can't be more than friends with me. It's the weirdest/hardest/most confusing thing ever. It literally went from last Friday night, laying in my bed, cuddling, having sex, talking about how happy we both were being there and not out drinking or being somewhere else, to it being over the next day.

 

 

i've been there. don't give up on her. do the opposite, and fight. she's scared for god knows what reason, and you need to prove yourself. you shouldn't have to, but you do.

you're clearly caught up in the best ways... you both are! she just can't accept it quite yet for whatever reason. so muster up everything you can, in the most romantic, compelling way you can. 

 

Is this the general consensus?  I think she may have just realized that she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now, and got scared.  

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that's exactly what my situation was. she was recently out of a relationship, didn't think she was quite ready to get into another one. it took some time, but also a whole lotta persistence. 

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I feel the opposite of RyBread on this one. While I see the romance in his scenario I advise you to date someone who likes you and wants the same thing out of a relationship right now.

The world is full of wonderful people. I'm not a "soul mate" kind of guy.

To be clear: Staying friends is great. But I would sit around hoping this works out. Nor would I personally invest a lot into trying to turn the relationship romantic.

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I feel the opposite of Ryan on this one as well. Go about your day, try to be happy. Don't engage her first. If she wants to be with you she will figure it out... you can't force her. And some sweeping romantic gesture isn't going to help her figure it out. And isn't it kind of like torture hanging out with her just as friends now? I couldn't do it.

I've always thought monogomy is just not human nature. Not in the way that I want to date several people at the same time just in the sense that I don't buy the whole soul mate thing either. I know there are several people out there who I'd be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life with. You can't base that shit on finding 'the one' because all of the sudden 'the one' doesn't work out and you're crushed and hopeless.

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The question is, do you still love each other as lovers?

But seriously, I've been in a similar situation and it fucking HURTS. All I can really offer is a big Internet bro-hug. In my opinion trying to push the idea of being together or making some big romantic gesture will most likely make her feel uncomfortable and pressured, which will push her further away. Don't give yourself false hope and think that staying we close friend will change her mind. It MIGHT but what it will definitely do is make you feel like shit. If you can stay her friend without it hurting you do it.

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Well, I enjoy her company and value her friendship so I'm going to stay friends with her. It's hard knowing she doesn't look at me that way, but being around her makes me happy. It just sucks going to bed knowing she has feelings for me, but not strong enough feelings. If things work out my way, awesome, but I'm not expecting them to. You can't throw away a good friend just because she doesn't like you in a sexual way anymore.

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Well, I enjoy her company and value her friendship so I'm going to stay friends with her. It's hard knowing she doesn't look at me that way, but being around her makes me happy. It just sucks going to bed knowing she has feelings for me, but not strong enough feelings. If things work out my way, awesome, but I'm not expecting them to. You can't throw away a good friend just because she doesn't like you in a sexual way anymore.

This is a very mature and healthy way to look at it. When I was your age I would have reacted by punching walls and abusing substances. Kudos.

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the "let's still be friends" request always seemed amazingly selfish to me. basically:

 

"well, I'm going to go fuck other people now, but I would still like to keep you around for entertainment.  kthx"

There are plenty of girls who I am friends with that I'm not sexually attracted to.  I think the opposite.  It's selfish to shut someone out of your life if you enjoy their friendship, just because they don't want to fuck you.  And just because they're not fucking you doesn't mean they're out fucking everything that moves.  

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There are plenty of girls who I am friends with that I'm not sexually attracted to.  I think the opposite.  It's selfish to shut someone out of your life if you enjoy their friendship, just because they don't want to fuck you.  And just because they're not fucking you doesn't mean they're out fucking everything that moves.  

 

Unless they admit they are fucking to make you jealous.

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Unless they admit they are fucking to make you jealous.

Well this has been taken pretty far out of context from what I originally said about staying friends with this girl.  She's 20 and had had sex with one guy before me, so she's not the type to go have sex with dudes to make me jealous.  Plus, like I just said, this isn't really even relevant to my situation.  

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It's not just about sex. Everyone immediately goes to 'what if you stay friends with her and she's fucking someone else'. That's not how it is for me and I'm sure for Tess, it's hard because we see this person that we once shared something meaningful with, and for whatever reason they don't want that with us anymore. You can feel devalued and unimportant. things will never be the same. I have total respect and admiration for people that can stay friends with exes. I wish I knew how to move past things like that, honestly.

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