The Saint Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Ever? I'm not sure. Lately, this... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIwO_nO0pSg&feature=youtube_gdata_player I love me some Conan. That was good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abovetheearth Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 i guess the rest were all shit! great. The Saint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Saint Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Haha no of course not. I appreciated all of them. Unfortunately, I'm out of upvotes for the day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Saint Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Ever? I'm not sure. Lately, this... http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81467270/ Edit: Link fixed, that YouTube video wasn't The Moth Joke. Well now, this is awkward... Shitty Rambo 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abovetheearth Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Haha no of course not. I appreciated all of them. Unfortunately, I'm out of upvotes for the day just razzin' ya. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3arl Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 John was making gingerbread cookies. He prepared the cookies, put them in the oven and patiently waited. The room started to smell delicious, and soon the cookies were done. He took them out of the oven and all of a sudden one of the cookies starts talking! "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!", it said. The man was surprised, but kept his cool. "You're a talking cookie", he said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He picked up the cookie and walked out the door. On the road, the cookie starts singing, " I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, ooh la la, I'm a talking cookie!". The man was again surprised at the beautiful voice of the cookie, but he kept his pants on and knew he had to make the hard decisions. "You're a talking cookie", he once again said, "and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He reached the beach, and the cookie said, "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" in a perfect Morgan Freeman impersonation. The man just kept on walking, and remarked, "You're a talking cookie, and I'm going to throw you into the ocean". Finally, he reached the boardwalk and it was time to finish the deed. He took a deep breath, winded up his throwing arm, and, not surprisingly the cookie made his final remarks. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie, please don't throw me into the ocean, I'm a talking cookie!". The man responded, "You're a talking cookie, I'm going to throw you into the ocean". He threw the cookie into the ocean. _ John was an overworked, underpaid machinist has been saving up for a ring for a long time. His high school sweetheart Mary was the love of his life, and he wanted to ask her properly for her hand in marriage. She was a November baby, so he went to a specialized diamond designer and had a ring crafted with topaz infusions. The ring was beautiful - truly, but he would be paying it back for quite some time. He was walking home from the shop and opened the little box to take one final look at the ring. That was when he tripped over himself ( he was known for his clumsiness ), and the box flew from his hands as he flailed to keep his balance. It hit the pavement, bounced a few times, and landed several inches from a street sewer. He ran to the box and to his dismay, the ring was gone. Holding back tears of grief, frustration and shame, he searched the area for hours for the ring. He ripped up the sewer with his bare hands ( now bloody ), but had no luck. The ring was gone. As he walked the remaining mile home, he consoled himself with thoughts of truth. 'Who needs a ring', he thought to himself. 'If she truly loves me, she will say yes without a ring.' Cheered up ever so slightly, he made plans to ask her out. A week later, they were going to a fancy, 5-star-5-course restaurant, and he knew this would be the right time. They arrived at the restaurant, and this never seen before wave of fear struck through him. He was terrified. They get seated and started having idle chat. "You look nervous, are you feeling alright?" asked his girlfriend Mary. "Fine, fine", he lied, as he took a deep breath. He was about to begin his 'speech', when the waitress came up and asked for drinks. Flustered, he asked for water. Mary asked for the house Chardonnay. They were talking again, and he was mustering up his courage to ask her, when the damned waitress came back with the drinks and asked for the first appetizer. Annoyed now, he forgot what appetizer he wanted and said he was fine. Mary, of course, ordered the steamed clams in a white wine sauce. Conversation continued, but John wasn't very talkative. He forgot his speech at this point, and was just going to wing it. "Mary!", he blurted awkwardly, and she looked at him with eyes full of curiosity at his sudden outburst. "Mary, you are the..." - all of a sudden, he was interrupted by the damned waitress who brought back the clams. 'damn her, damn her to the fiery pits of Mordor', he thought to himself, as he ordered his first plate. He decided that this wasn't the night to do it, and when Mary asked what he was going to say, he responded that it was nothing. Mary opens up her first clam and her eyes whiten in shock. "I'm a talking cookie, I'm a talking cookie!" if you guys hate me for reading that, at least, please appreciate that I spent my lunch break typing this up! This is one of my favs, but with a talking donut instead. It's weird seeing it typed out though. Just the thought of a talking donut makes me smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dillhole Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 There once was a man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it and he said with a grin as he wiped of his chin if my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it. A true classic right there. The Saint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 it's so weird typed out. I definitely prefer just saying it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smailtronic Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents. What do gay horses eat? Horse cum. What's the difference between a black guy and a large pizza? Literally an endless list of things. entendu 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tooclosetosee Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Person 1: Did you hear that the actress Reese killed her husband? Ya know, the one in cruel intentions and sweet home alabama. I can never think of her last name. Person 2: Witherspoon? Person 1: No, with her knife! That is my favorite joke. I always fuck up the delivery or it doesn't work out right and ends up being even funnier. Another one... Person 1: How many people are dead in that cemetery? Person 2: I don't know, a couple hundred or so... Person 1: All of them! ROFL And finally.... Person 1: How many cars can you name that start with P? Person 2: Porsche, Pontiac, Pinto... Person 3: You idiot! Cars start with gasoline, not pee! I have been a victom of all three of those. Team Avatar 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? none! feminists can't change anything. why didn't the emo go to the bar? it was happy hour why did the chicken cross the basketball court?he heard the ref was blowing fowls. sirensongofra and omik11303 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xadamhudsonx Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What to you call a cow with two legs?Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs?Ground BeefA horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks over and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?" What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?I don't get an erection every time I bite into an apple... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrewest Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 What do you call a woman whose one leg is shorter than the other? -Eileen What's that woman's name in Japan? -Ireen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamlikesmusic Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis stl_ben 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 What do you call a woman whose one leg is shorter than the other? -Eileen What's that woman's name in Japan? -Ireen where does she work? ihop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!" The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so." The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! (Penguins just LOVE Ice cream.) So he says "OK I'll be back." He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream. He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" "Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!" really wish i weren't out of upvotes right now. but the black guy/pizza joke was easily my favorite of the bunch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paynegretzky Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 I made Caesar salad, he didn't like it. I dropped this to many social studies/ancient hist. classes. good results for 10th graders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deafening Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 anti jokes > everything else. https://twitter.com/AntiJokeCat entendu 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3arl Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 anti jokes > everything else. https://twitter.com/AntiJokeCat What's big, red, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A fire truck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abovetheearth Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 Person 1: Did you hear that the actress Reese killed her husband? Ya know, the one in cruel intentions and sweet home alabama. I can never think of her last name. Person 2: Witherspoon? Person 1: No, with her knife! The Saint and hippielauryn 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaliforniaNoise Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 Two brothers, age 8 and 10, go to their father and say “Dad, I think we’re old enough to start cussing”. Their dad, loose lipped as he was, agrees and lets them each choose one cuss word that they’re allowed to say. The 10 year old chooses “goddamn” and the 8 year old chooses “sweet ass”. All day they go around saying these two phrases as much as they can. The next morning, the boys’ mother asks the 10 year old what he wants for breakfast. He says “I want some goddamn pancakes!!” Shocked, the mother slaps him across the face, and sends him to his room. Afterwards, their mother asks the 8 year old what he wants for breakfast. He says “You can bet your sweet ass I don’t want any goddamn pancakes!” stl_ben 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mameeshkamowskwoz Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 How do you know when you're dealing with an aggressive pepper?It gets jalapeno face! museummouth and The Saint 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 why shouldn't you shower with a pokemon? he might pikachuuu The Saint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrewest Posted December 5, 2013 Share Posted December 5, 2013 A man walks out of a bar and immediately trips over something. He looks at what it was he tripped over and it was a woman with no arms and no legs laying there. The man says to her “I’m so sorry! What can I do to make it up to you?” The lady looks up and says “Well, I’ve always wanted to be hugged. I’ve never been hugged before.” So he reaches down, picks her up and gives her a hug. The next night the man walks out of the bar again, and again trips over the same woman. Again he says to her, “I’m so sorry! How can I make it up to you?” She looks up and says “Well, I’ve always wanted a kiss. I’ve never been kissed before.” So he reaches down and gives her a nice, big kiss. The third night the man walks about of the bar, and once again trips over the same woman. He asks her how he can make it up to her. She looks up and says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be fucked. I’ve never been fucked before.” So he picks her up, walks her to the nearby river, and throws her in. “There, now you’re fucked.” castaway and The Saint 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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