MAN ADVICE

[ronniegwilliams]

Actually, I just found out it was HipsterAsFolk that posted it, and it's not a big deal, homegirl is ALL over the internet

[rudeboydh]

Since this thread has gone all serious and stuff, can we start another thread about all the other stuff we were talking about before shit got all serious again? It was really entertaining there for a minute and I'm kinda borred. lol

[kevin848]

It really was getting funny...

[Dashhax]

Modern Family is funny.

[Guest]

modern family is funny, but its also as predictable as your signatures

i suppose ill throw down on my situation...

from the brief bit of derek's sitch that i read (sorry dude.. way too long to keep me interested), it sounds like im kind of in the same boat.

we met on the brand new street team, and just through staying friends on facebook and twitter, we each recognized enough commonality to develop crushes. and as silly as they were, it got to the point where we couldnt even hide them from each other. until one day when i finally had to message her to break the ice. from there, we decided to have a chat... and ever since that chat we were pretty much head over heels. shes beautiful, has incredible taste across the board, shes a visual communications major at an art school, funny, witty, loves sports, hates peyton manning... i could go on and on. oh yeah, and brand new.

the biggest obstacle we faced was her living in indy and me in western mass. my plan for months prior to this was graduate in may, move out of western mass by september. modestly, the plan was boston, but when this whole thing arose, i figured fuck it.. ill move to an even cooler, more unpredictable city, and accomplish the very same. and this amazing girl will be there.

i visited there one weekend to finally meet, and it was everything we imagined.

months later, she finally came here, and again, fireworks. my friends and family all loved her, and i did everything i could to show her what life is like out here.

id even taken a job here, knowing that id be able to transfer there without any issue.

well she left here july 9th. and since, oh saaaayyy july 15th? things have been shitty. maybe not shitty, but simply not the same. the distance is finally taking its toll, and it feels like the excitement is lost. were missing the need to be in touch with each other every moment of the day... which is probably healthy in most regards, but its currently making things worse. where id normally wake up to texts from her, well go passed 7 pm without even contacting one another. and even at that point, we barely have anything to touch on.

now shes not a relationship person at all.. above all, im the exception. and her apparent indifference is giving me flashbacks to previous relationships where someone can just decide one day "i dont feel like it anymore.. later"

and the fact that im quickly giong broke, and literally not making any money at my job is making it damn near impossible to move out there. september 1st doesnt even look like november 1st by now. and i can tell shes getting completely restless.. in the mindset that she barely even has a boyfriend. and while its hard on me too, i can feel her stance magnifying it.

the spark is quickly fading, and it feels like i cant do a damn thing to reignite it at this point.

[sjb2k1]

my girlfriend lives in san jose and i'm in north carolina. distance blows and makes everything worse. i have nothing but sympathy for you. although if anything it's harder for me after a visit because leaving her sucks so much. text her even more and stuff. have you talked to her about this? when i'm feeling far away from Gina i tell her that. skyping helps, too. a lot more than you'd think.

[Guest]

skype is pretty much the backbone of what we have.

and yeah, things got worse after the visit,

but like a week or two ago, she even said that she knows shes been an ass, and when i asked what i could do to help. she said its something shed just have to figure out on her own.

and as ive been the optimist pretty much throughout, its getting harder and harder to try to provide a positive perspective when all i get in return is short responsed bullshit.

ive never been one to play games at all, but lately i figured that if shes going to be distant towards me when im trying my best to find the flow that previously worked for us, then i might as well give it right back. unfortunately, relationship law doesnt let that approach work, and its done nothing to improve the situation.

and while the plan has been to move out there, i recently decided to move back in with my parents for the interim to save up. i would have done this a year ago, but once i moved out my brother took the basement, leaving the only available room which is right next to my parents. not exactly desirable for someone who smokes weed every day... especially if i ever wanted to bring a lady home.

well when i realized that one of those two issues was eliminated, i figured i could just fucking bite the bullet, cut down on my smoking, and just be more discrete about it.

but at the same time, i feel like she has no appreciation for the fact that i made this move back.. when 55% of it was essentially for her.

i just had this chat with my friends a couple hours ago (mostly to take my friends mind off the fact that his wife is being a total bitch tonight), and what it came down to is the fact that i need to express this all to her. every time its come up, weve both barely scratched the surface in addressing whatevers wrong, and it obviously hasnt helped.

[Guest]

also, this:

[Dashhax]

skype is pretty much the backbone of what we have.

and yeah, things got worse after the visit,

but like a week or two ago, she even said that she knows shes been an ass, and when i asked what i could do to help. she said its something shed just have to figure out on her own.

and as ive been the optimist pretty much throughout, its getting harder and harder to try to provide a positive perspective when all i get in return is short responsed bullshit.

ive never been one to play games at all, but lately i figured that if shes going to be distant towards me when im trying my best to find the flow that previously worked for us, then i might as well give it right back. unfortunately, relationship law doesnt let that approach work, and its done nothing to improve the situation.

and while the plan has been to move out there, i recently decided to move back in with my parents for the interim to save up. i would have done this a year ago, but once i moved out my brother took the basement, leaving the only available room which is right next to my parents. not exactly desirable for someone who smokes weed every day... especially if i ever wanted to bring a lady home.

well when i realized that one of those two issues was eliminated, i figured i could just fucking bite the bullet, cut down on my smoking, and just be more discrete about it.

but at the same time, i feel like she has no appreciation for the fact that i made this move back.. when 55% of it was essentially for her.

i just had this chat with my friends a couple hours ago (mostly to take my friends mind off the fact that his wife is being a total bitch tonight), and what it came down to is the fact that i need to express this all to her. every time its come up, weve both barely scratched the surface in addressing whatevers wrong, and it obviously hasnt helped.

I'm sorry man I hope it works out for you guys. Did she have a problem with you smoking weed?

[ronniegwilliams]

Ru, fireworks can be exhausted, and it's super easy to become settled. Even though distance is there, you need to do something to reignite those fireworks and remin her why she's supposed to be head over heals for you. Have flowers sent to her; or send her a package full of things that mean something to you both without her knowing. Long distance takes work, and as soon as you both quit working then you may as well start shopping the Craigslist missed connections. Remind her that you're a badass.

[mcm1610]

I just read the last 5 or so pages and man was it a rollercoaster.

[BuzzersonKillwell]

I think it is pretty hard to maintain a LD relationship but even harder to start one. Anyone here done it successfully, did you start online and at one point did you make the transition to live near / with each other. I'm just curious now.

Most of the stories in this thread seem like the LD started without a real strong foundation to begin with and both parties drifted apart. No offense to Derek or Ry, that is just how it looks from the outside.

[sjb2k1]

I met my girlfriend on absolutepunk (all of you stfu right now). We joined the same day, actually. After just chatting randomly on there as friends for like a year (and about really serious shit too. I was going through my divorce and she was on off with this chick who treated her like shit...it was neat because I was one perspective and she was the other, similar situations in two relationships) one night I just decided on a whim to give her my number and like "take it off ap"...talk in real life and not just through a message board. We ended up talking all night. My phone died and I gave her my home phone number, which very few people have. We talked through that morning until she had to go to church. Our attraction was immediate, but dude, she lives in San Jose, CA and I live in Durham, NC. Regardless, the attraction. So I convinced her to let me fly out there for a couple of days. We made sure lots of people knew I was going there in case I or she turned out to be an axe murderer.

The sex was (and is) amazing, she likes the same music as me, she likes hockey and teaches me about it like I do with her and baseball, we like grilling and cooking, video games, same television shows, just like....anything and everything I could want in a woman. But the catch? Ohhhhhhh, 3000 miles of distance.

We talked about it, and we decided to go for it and see how far we could take this thing. We both knew this was gonna suck megaballs, but like, for the first time in my life, I'm not waiting on the next best thing. I don't notice other girls. I can't even imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life. I want to make babies with this girl and have a life and shit. After how shit went down with my ex-wife I didn't think I'd get to find this kind of love. But yeah, that was in right at the end of March 2011 and here we are.

I think our biggest challenge is coordinating schedules and planning visits. She's getting her pre-reqs out of the way for nursing school and works at Target, and they are not big on letting you request time off in advance...or at least comfortably enough to buy reasonably priced plane tickets. We've seen each other twice so far this year, a few days in Feb and a week at the end of June. She'll be here for a week in September, and I'm shooting for getting out there for New Year's.

Wait, I lied. More background on me, I am an alcoholic, sober for nearly 3 years now. She's not a partier and neither am I, obviously. She doesn't drink or smoke weed or anything, and honestly that is the best possible situation I could have hoped for as a recovering booze hound. But she has an issue with my weed smoking (which I do not do much of, unless I am up north with my family, and then I am a weed chimney, and I'll usually bring some back south with me, even if I cannot afford it...my spending is a whole other story). It is long and complicated but her last and only major relationship ended (for the last time) in a terrible flaming mess of her gf ditching out on a road trip they'd planned, the day of, so she could do a bunch of coke and shit. So as long as I'm smoking, I might pick the drugs over her and leave. At least this is my understanding of it. The addiction stuff is very complicated for me, as some of you may understand. I think this situation would be SO MUCH EASIER if we were together like a normal couple, where we could talk this over face to face, eye contact, etc. Where I could be there for her every day, so maybe she wouldn't worry so much about me possibly leaving. Which I am not. I am super duper in love with her.

Anyway, that crap aside, half for us and half for me (I just can't afford this thing anymore), I'm now selling my house. The plan now is for me to downsize to an apartment, save up some money, find a job and move there. We are hoping that this time frame is only a year, but who knows. I really cannot wait for that next chapter.

[GradedOnACurve]

^ Crazy how life works sometimes. Hope all goes according as planned! Best of luck!

[sjb2k1]

thank you

[IanRees]

she lives in San Jose, CA and I live in Durham, NC. Regardless, the attraction. So I convinced her to let me fly out there for a couple of days. We made sure lots of people knew I was going there in case I or she turned out to be an axe murderer.

The sex was (and is) amazing, she likes the same music as me, she likes hockey and teaches me about it like I do with her and baseball

Really hope she isn't a Sharks fan, jk

good luck with everything, hope it all goes to plan. Ive done long distance (not quite that long) and it can be rough.

[sjb2k1]

Really hope she isn't a Sharks fan, jk

good luck with everything, hope it all goes to plan. Ive done long distance (not quite that long) and it can be rough.

hardcore sharks fan, haha

thank you!

[ronniegwilliams]

I met my girlfriend on absolutepunk (all of you stfu right now). We joined the same day, actually. After just chatting randomly on there as friends for like a year (and about really serious shit too. I was going through my divorce and she was on off with this chick who treated her like shit...it was neat because I was one perspective and she was the other, similar situations in two relationships) one night I just decided on a whim to give her my number and like "take it off ap"...talk in real life and not just through a message board. We ended up talking all night. My phone died and I gave her my home phone number, which very few people have. We talked through that morning until she had to go to church. Our attraction was immediate, but dude, she lives in San Jose, CA and I live in Durham, NC. Regardless, the attraction. So I convinced her to let me fly out there for a couple of days. We made sure lots of people knew I was going there in case I or she turned out to be an axe murderer.

The sex was (and is) amazing, she likes the same music as me, she likes hockey and teaches me about it like I do with her and baseball, we like grilling and cooking, video games, same television shows, just like....anything and everything I could want in a woman. But the catch? Ohhhhhhh, 3000 miles of distance.

We talked about it, and we decided to go for it and see how far we could take this thing. We both knew this was gonna suck megaballs, but like, for the first time in my life, I'm not waiting on the next best thing. I don't notice other girls. I can't even imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life. I want to make babies with this girl and have a life and shit. After how shit went down with my ex-wife I didn't think I'd get to find this kind of love. But yeah, that was in right at the end of March 2011 and here we are.

I think our biggest challenge is coordinating schedules and planning visits. She's getting her pre-reqs out of the way for nursing school and works at Target, and they are not big on letting you request time off in advance...or at least comfortably enough to buy reasonably priced plane tickets. We've seen each other twice so far this year, a few days in Feb and a week at the end of June. She'll be here for a week in September, and I'm shooting for getting out there for New Year's.

Wait, I lied. More background on me, I am an alcoholic, sober for nearly 3 years now. She's not a partier and neither am I, obviously. She doesn't drink or smoke weed or anything, and honestly that is the best possible situation I could have hoped for as a recovering booze hound. But she has an issue with my weed smoking (which I do not do much of, unless I am up north with my family, and then I am a weed chimney, and I'll usually bring some back south with me, even if I cannot afford it...my spending is a whole other story). It is long and complicated but her last and only major relationship ended (for the last time) in a terrible flaming mess of her gf ditching out on a road trip they'd planned, the day of, so she could do a bunch of coke and shit. So as long as I'm smoking, I might pick the drugs over her and leave. At least this is my understanding of it. The addiction stuff is very complicated for me, as some of you may understand. I think this situation would be SO MUCH EASIER if we were together like a normal couple, where we could talk this over face to face, eye contact, etc. Where I could be there for her every day, so maybe she wouldn't worry so much about me possibly leaving. Which I am not. I am super duper in love with her.

Anyway, that crap aside, half for us and half for me (I just can't afford this thing anymore), I'm now selling my house. The plan now is for me to downsize to an apartment, save up some money, find a job and move there. We are hoping that this time frame is only a year, but who knows. I really cannot wait for that next chapter.

That's really awesome that you found somebody post divorce. If you don't mind me asking, how long were you married? How long has the divorce been final? I only ask because I'm about your age and went through a divorce about a year ago. Shit sucked. At least she didn't get half of my records.

I don't think I could ever do the LD thing. In the beginning of this post I mentioned hanging out with a girl from another state. Luckily, I suppose, I found out girl is a compulsive liar, so I didn't have to worry about it getting to the LD point. Actually, now that I think of it, I don't think I'd want to do the LD thing or even the relationship thing for that matter.

[sjb2k1]

That's really awesome that you found somebody post divorce. If you don't mind me asking, how long were you married? How long has the divorce been final? I only ask because I'm about your age and went through a divorce about a year ago. Shit sucked. At least she didn't get half of my records.

I don't think I could ever do the LD thing. In the beginning of this post I mentioned hanging out with a girl from another state. Luckily, I suppose, I found out girl is a compulsive liar, so I didn't have to worry about it getting to the LD point. Actually, now that I think of it, I don't think I'd want to do the LD thing or even the relationship thing for that matter.

okay well disclaimer, i guess technically i'm "going through" the divorce now, just signed the papers a few weeks ago, but the story with that is long and involves same sex marriage laws and shit like that, we couldn't actually start proceedings until this year...it'll be final final in january of next year. we dated for four years and then got married on our 4th anniversary. were married about 1.5 years before stuff went south in april 2010 and i did some bad stuff (kissed someone else). but she's been officially moved out since july 2010. shit reeeeally sucked and i regret so much how i treated her, but nothing i can do about it now. and honestly i'm kinda lucky from that standpoint, because if i was a dude and we were married, i would have had to pay out the fucking nose for all this...pay to keep her in the house while i moved out instead of the other way around, support etc

well at least you know now before it went any further, dodging that bullet!

[Derek™]

We both knew this was gonna suck megaballs, but like, for the first time in my life, I'm not waiting on the next best thing. I don't notice other girls. I can't even imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life. I want to make babies with this girl and have a life and shit.

I know that feel. I read your post in its entirety, and I really do hope that things work out for you. Sounds like you two were made for one another. And while I'm not trying to jump the gun or project myself into your exact scenario, if this girl is as amazing as you say she is - and assuming you care about her as much as you claim you do - something like weed should be trivial in comparison. I would've given up anything in my situation. Anything. Favorite foods. Passtimes. Record collecting. You name it. (Fortunately, I didn't have to make any sacrifices during the relationship. But I would have. In a heartbeat.) I guess it's just a personal matter of realizing what's worth it. In my case there was no question.

You're right in saying that it'd be easier to cope with that "predicament" in a face-to-face situation. That she'd realize it's not controlling your life. And you'd probably be less inclined to toke up if you had her to occupy your mind and schedule routinely. But in the meantime... why even risk it? If it's something that could cause turbulence, and something that she's genuinely concerned about... I'd find a way to subtract it from your life. But then again, that's just me. I'm merely trying to empathize in ratio to what I had going, and how happy I was. In which case I wouldn't have to think twice. There are things I just don't dick with.... and the potential of causing distance between myself and someine I love is one of them.

I think it is pretty hard to maintain a LD relationship but even harder to start one. Anyone here done it successfully, did you start online and at one point did you make the transition to live near / with each other. I'm just curious now.

Most of the stories in this thread seem like the LD started without a real strong foundation to begin with and both parties drifted apart. No offense to Derek or Ry, that is just how it looks from the outside.

There are certainly more details I could've rambled on about. But I'll just say that in my case, there was no "drifting". Your suspicions of long-distance relationships being prone to collapse through distance and drifting is both fair and accurate. And it totally happens; people get bored, and begin to long for a tangible relationship. Believe me, I've been there. [On the short end of that stick, at least. It sucks.] But with my girl... I don't know, it was different. From the time I post this, I was about two weeks away from packing up and making the move to be with her. "For real". We texted / talked / Skyped / Facetime'd multiple times through the day, every day of our relationship. The few exceptions to those seven or eight months were when she was on a vacation or college trip, at which point communication was there, albeit dwindled.

Any time there'd be a problem or one of us would stumble into a funk, we discussed it appropriately and moved forward. There were no games of "she hasn't texted me in 20 hours; I'll show her by waiting this out." No petty bullshit, and no drifting apart through boredom or lack of communication. Hell, I could handle something like that. Those are signs that the relationship is wobbly and subject to breaking down. Those are indicators that a breakup is on the horizon. But for us... it was more or less out of the blue. A decision on her end that we're still discussing and I'm still trying to understand. The fact it was so unforeseeable and blunt is why I'm such a wreck over the whole situation. That, and, you know. Because she was incredible.

[Guest]

her and i are about to skype. wish me luck yall..

[ronniegwilliams]

good luck broseph

[yocaseycasey]

her and i are about to skype. wish me luck yall..

Dude, you can come live with me and Emily. There's a Chili's up the street. Come sling fajitas and listen to records with us.

[cymbalism15]

I read the entire 14 pages, no regrets. I makes me smile that everything ended up somewhat happy and everyone is friends! I don't interact with girls on this level very often and sometimes it bothers me and then I read stuff like this and I feel like I may have been dodging bullets...

P.S. Madie, unless I missed it on the thread, what ended up happening?

[sjb2k1]

I know that feel. I read your post in its entirety, and I really do hope that things work out for you. Sounds like you two were made for one another. And while I'm not trying to jump the gun or project myself into your exact scenario, if this girl is as amazing as you say she is - and assuming you care about her as much as you claim you do - something like weed should be trivial in comparison. I would've given up anything in my situation. Anything. Favorite foods. Passtimes. Record collecting. You name it. (Fortunately, I didn't have to make any sacrifices during the relationship. But I would have. In a heartbeat.) I guess it's just a personal matter of realizing what's worth it. In my case there was no question.

You're right in saying that it'd be easier to cope with that "predicament" in a face-to-face situation. That she'd realize it's not controlling your life. And you'd probably be less inclined to toke up if you had her to occupy your mind and schedule routinely. But in the meantime... why even risk it? If it's something that could cause turbulence, and something that she's genuinely concerned about... I'd find a way to subtract it from your life. But then again, that's just me. I'm merely trying to empathize in ratio to what I had going, and how happy I was. In which case I wouldn't have to think twice. There are things I just don't dick with.... and the potential of causing distance between myself and someine I love is one of them.

And that's just it. When I'm with her, there's no chance I'd smoke. I don't want to. With her I have so much sober fun it's ridiculous. I seriously do not think about drugs and alcohol. I LOVE it. It's the best damn feeling in the world being with her.

I ended up smoking last time I saw the fam and that was not so good for us because I told her I'd try not to. Fought the good fight for a bit but it's kinda what me and my brother do, smoke session, chill, play video games and shoot the shit, and was all too easy to smoke on my vacation. I'm going up north for Labor Day and I'm somewhat worried how it's going to go between the two of us.