CONFESSIONS

[idreamofpunk]

posted this on Facebook earlier. I know I don't post much around here anymore, but this is as much a confession as any, right?

 

I'm going to go ahead and put this out there in a public manner after countless years of private deliberation and thought and questioning - and if you feel the need to cut off ties with me, you are more than welcome to, though, I would prefer to retain the friendship of all of you:

I am pangender. 

This has raised questions to a few that I have spoken privately to about this, though to most who know me in a closer way, this shouldn't be a surprise at all. What is pangender? Most equate it to the trans category of which this is not. In short, pangender is the eschewing largely of identification with either of the two hard binary genders. I've never since I've been able to re-collect things from childhood been comfortable fully as a male, but at the same time, have never had a desire to identify as female, despite largely taking influence and queues from feminine sources. Consequently, I've always felt comfortable somewhere in the middle. Biologically, I am still a male, of course - but 'gender' and 'sex' are two separate things. The relationship I've been in for quite some time is still very much intact and this is not a sexual thing at all - just a coming to terms with who I am and that I cannot subscribe to a hard binary gender code now, nor have I ever been able to (maybe it started when I found, at the age of 4, that out of the entire cast of the 60's Batman series, Julie Newmar was the one I idolized the most).

In reality, this changes very little, if nothing at all, in how I view my friendships and relationships with people. My only request is that those of you are respectful enough to do so, please refer to me in terms of "they", "their", "them", etc. I understand how this adjustment will likely take years as I've spent my life going by "he", "him", etc, despite my near constant discomfort with it (I took on the spelling "Kriss" in early high school due to distaste for the more male derived "Christopher" I was given at birth).

This has been fairly difficult for me to write out, partially because it's so very public and because there's a part of me that's genuinely worried that there will be some who will now view me as some kind of freak. I certainly hope that's not the case, though I except that as it comes in the event that it does. This has been a source of struggle, in particular, over the last several weeks, as I've come to realize that I need to embrace and accept this after so long trying to ignore it - for those of you whom I've been short or testy with, I apologize. Now you know why. Thanks for reading, and thanks for being rad!

 

Big ups, what what.

[213041284s]

So I just came back from a 2 week stay in a psych ward after a failed attempt at killing myself. It was half assed really, and I know I don't want to die but it was just a really impulsive desperate choice. Basically I stopped getting help/taking medication a few months ago because I thought I didn't need it, but I began to abuse a lot of things and I haven't been treating myself right. I'm safe now, staying with my parents for the next few days until I go back to work, but now I have a bigger problem:

 

My housemate and I were in the middle of a fight before this all happened a few weeks ago, and we were basically at each other's throats with passive-aggressive notes and snarky comments. It escalated to the point where we began claiming things around the house as "our space" and hiding/stealing things from each other. it was really childish of the both of us, and now she thinks it was incredibly selfish of me to check myself in to the hospital because I didn't feel safe around myself. She says that I just used it as an excuse to run away from my problems and to screw her over and make her seem like a bad person (I made it clear however that our argument had nothing to do with my depression and self destructive habits).

 

She's been going off on twitter about me saying things like:

"crying because -------------- is a shit friend and a shit roommate and and doesnt give a fuck about me whatsoever"

""Imma play the victim even though (her name) didnt do anything wrong to me" "

""oh happy me im all better now me me me me" You still a shitass fuckhead doe and thats speaking lightly"

"i hope psychiatric rehabilitation teaches people how to pull their heads out of their asses and have consideration for other people"

 

Now I know it may seem like I'm justifying her argument that I play the victim by whining about it on here, but I do admit my mistakes, and I really was a shitty person to her. When I have these episodes I tend to withdraw myself from the ones I care about and I lash out and make impulsive decisions. That's unacceptable behavior, which is why I sought help, but now I feel guilty for doing so. Am I being too hard on myself? I just want her to know that I'm sorry and I appreciate her (because she's been a really good friend in the past), but I also want to explain that this was important for me to do without coming off as selfish

[jerseydave77]

Take care of yourself. I'm glad you're still here and getting help. Anyone who makes fun of another's mental illness or doesn't attempt to come from a point of understanding is not a healthy person for you to be sharing space with. No matter what you did that might have been hurtful you do need to focus on yourself and put yourself in an environment that gives you the best chance of success in life.  

[abovetheearth]

my mom didnt believe in mine...and it was tough and my dad just ignored it.

 

finding the right support system is so very important especially in the early stages. there are many different reactions and outcomes we do from our manic behavior or what not.

 

some never leave the house, never talk, drink, clean, spend money...etc.

 

you have to worry about you. i know its so very cliche, but the minute you worry about making yourself happy and not worry about other people reactions and feelings (seems selfish but its not) you can get the first step in on the long marathon ahead.

[Guest]

you have to worry about you. i know its so very cliche, but the minute you worry about making yourself happy and not worry about other people reactions and feelings (seems selfish but its not) you can get the first step in on the long marathon ahead.

It may be cliche but it's very true. It took me (selfishly. I didn't really explain to anyone what was going on, so I looked like a total asshole) blocking everyone out of my life for about a year to properly heal from all the shit going on in my head. That and a lot of medicine. Anyway, hope you are well and are able to take the steps you need to feel better.

[icecream]

I've never seen any Star Wars movie.

 

Sometimes when I get in my car at night I have paranoia and  instantly talk out loud about how shitty my day was 

In hopes that the potential person waiting in the back seat will feel bad and won't strangle me 

[idreamofpunk]

When I am driving alone, I very rarely wear my seatbelt. I do this because I quietly hope that someone will hit me and kill me.

Happy Halloween, y'all.

[paranoidantroyd]

When I am driving alone, I very rarely wear my seatbelt. I do this because I quietly hope that someone will hit me and kill me.

Happy Halloween, y'all.

Downside: surviving and living the rest of your life as a vegetable.

[steventangent]

get a motorcycle.

[Guest]

there's one intersection in town that always worries me- not that i've ever seen an accident there or anything, but it's just a blinking yellow light on a somewhat busy road. but for a long time, i'd drive through it every night just kind of hoping someone coming the other way wouldn't stop for their blinking red and just ruin my car. because i fucking hate my car.

 

similarly, i've always been afraid to quote one of my favorite minus the bear lyrics, because i feel like doing so would jinx me.

[brianmorgante]

My band finally got full-time members again for the first time since June 2012.  This is a band that I've put my heart and soul into since 2009, and last year, when we came to a grinding halt, things were actually really on a roll.  There was a lot of momentum, a lot of light at the end of the tunnel to really see the life I always envisioned for myself come to pass.  Ever since we stopped last year, its been a time of confusion, lost/broken friendships, self questioning, depression, and a whole lot of alone time, and hard work.

 

Like I said, we actually found people that want to rebuild from the ashes of what once was, but I suppose my confession is that at the end of the day, I'm finding myself almost terrified to pick up an instrument and actually start writing music again, because I'm afraid of the daunting task it is to climb that mountain again.  Anyone who has ever been in a touring band knows what I'm talking about.  There are so many uphill battles, let alone questioning your own ability to actually make it a worthwhile attempt, maintaining a level of relevance, or watching it all blow up in your face.

 

I've been freaking out a little bit inside recently trying to piece this all together, while on the outside I have to be the one with the plan to pull it forward....and right now it just seems impossible.  The next few months are truly a "now or never" life scenario for myself that I don't think I will quickly forget, no matter what the outcome.

 

Also...my other confession would be that I never share anything like this ever with anyone.  But that would go into a different confession all of it's own.  Maybe we'll save that for another day, haha.

[BuzzersonKillwell]

I think I spent the dog food money.

[Guest]

i just learned, just now, that hovering over someone's username gives you a mini profile.

[edgedestroys]

Dudeeee Brian everything you've written for DH has been phenomenal and your passion for it shines through so much when you're playing live. I know it's really goofy to say to a friend but I've legitimately been really emotional like almost crying seeing you guys play because it's not just the music that's overwhelmingly passionate, you're all so genuinely and sincerely into it, especially you. As far as confessions go, 3:35 in No Particular Night Or Morning has straight up made me cry multiple times. There's no way someone as gifted as you can't do great things, I know making that climb is an intense amount of work but if anyone can handle it, you can.

[brandy]

My band finally got full-time members again for the first time since June 2012.  This is a band that I've put my heart and soul into since 2009, and last year, when we came to a grinding halt, things were actually really on a roll.  There was a lot of momentum, a lot of light at the end of the tunnel to really see the life I always envisioned for myself come to pass.  Ever since we stopped last year, its been a time of confusion, lost/broken friendships, self questioning, depression, and a whole lot of alone time, and hard work.

 

Like I said, we actually found people that want to rebuild from the ashes of what once was, but I suppose my confession is that at the end of the day, I'm finding myself almost terrified to pick up an instrument and actually start writing music again, because I'm afraid of the daunting task it is to climb that mountain again.  Anyone who has ever been in a touring band knows what I'm talking about.  There are so many uphill battles, let alone questioning your own ability to actually make it a worthwhile attempt, maintaining a level of relevance, or watching it all blow up in your face.

 

I've been freaking out a little bit inside recently trying to piece this all together, while on the outside I have to be the one with the plan to pull it forward....and right now it just seems impossible.  The next few months are truly a "now or never" life scenario for myself that I don't think I will quickly forget, no matter what the outcome.

 

Also...my other confession would be that I never share anything like this ever with anyone.  But that would go into a different confession all of it's own.  Maybe we'll save that for another day, haha.

 

Hope it works out for you. Never give up on your dreams!

[brandy]

I just came across this thread today.

 

The amount of encouraging comments on here shines a light on how wonderful people can be, in contrast to all the bleak and nasty shit that surrounds mainstream media.

 

Kind of gives me hope for humanity.

[jtcohenour]

I just came across this thread today.

 

The amount of encouraging comments on here shines a light on how wonderful people can be, in contrast to all the bleak and nasty shit that surrounds mainstream media.

 

Kind of gives me hope for humanity.

[idreamofpunk]

Fun fact: I totaled my car less than a week after I posted that up there. Low speed, I rear ended someone, almost avoided it. Everyone was fine despite me not wearing my seatbelt. (really low speed by the time impact occurred and where it hit were big factors in that.)

 

Surprisingly, shit's actually working out, though. I got a new car that, while the payments are higher, it'll be doable. The timing of the accident made it so it wasn't reflected on things when it came time for renewal of my car insurance policy, which makes it so low that we may be able to pay for the whole 6 months with the sales tax reimbursement check I'll get from Progressive, which will free up more than $100 to do whatever we want with (which translates to "pay down credit cards" unless something horrible is coming up that we need the money for).

 

And I was able to take the money I WOULD have put in for the car payment this month and paid down a super high credit account (the one we had to open to pay to put down my dog last december had an APR of 26.99%) to a point where I will be paying it off outright at the end of the month when Emily's next paycheck comes in, and we'll take the $80 that WOULD have been put on it, and add that to the $35 we're paying each month on the amazon credit line starting in January. Debt stacking is depressing ('cause you want to use that money for other shit, obviously), but holy fuck, Emily and I just realized that the timing of me fucking up the car is just about perfect because it shows us a light at the end of the tunnel for our finances.

 

I didn't know where else to post this. I just remembered the post I made on October, and felt this was appropriate here.

[maneatingcow]

I have developed a bit of a complex about me being a heartless bastard.  Over the past few years having people tell me how they view me has started to lead to me having a complex about am I just a borderline sociopath.  I've been described as; a much worse person than the guy we worked with that is now in prison for life for murder, a more terrible guy than my ex-husband that beat me frequently.  While those are just a couple of the highlights they are just a few examples of many.

 

Now I've started almost constantly questioning how attentive I am to others, am I perhaps not caring as much as I should, etc.  What has triggered the most recent questioning of my empathy / general human decency is that on Friday my niece died suddenly.  I do feel I should say that my family is split I have a full brother who if anything happened to him, his wife or most of all his kids I'd lose my shit.  The other side is my half siblings, 3 sisters and 1 brother.  Growing up they weren't part of the family more or less, seeing as they were all about the same age as my mother at the most they felt like Aunts and Uncles. 

 

My niece that died was from my Half sibling side of the family, I'd see her maybe every few years.  Once I stopped going to her weddings I pretty much never saw her, and am happy about that.  (I believe she was just finishing up marriage 6 or 7)  She was a bad person, well at least a bad mother.  So I don't feel as though I should be feel anything personally about her death.  I do feel for my half brother it must suck to lose a kid.  I also feel for my nieces kid, who as of a week ago had a terrible mother and now he has none at all.

 

I know this is a long way to getting to the point of this, but my issue is with her brother, one of my nephews.  He is a very bad person.  In fact I've actually threatened to beat him to within and inch of his life.  He's molested some of my nieces among other girls along with a few other charges through the years including vehicular manslaughter of his underage girlfriend from when he was driving drunk.  The story is already getting way the fuck to long so I'll just abreviate things as much as possible, the first time he tried talking to me at a family event that is when I told him that he has no right to try and speak to me or even look at me, and that if he ever does anything to harm anyone again that I'll have no problems to beat him to within an inch of his life.  He's avoided me like the plague since.

 

Now that I have all the back story my issue is that now he's trying to turn himself into a sympathetic figure.  The family is all rushing to his aid and I won't do that.   He deserves all the sorrow and heartbreak he gets.  I know my family is pissed that I wouldn't chip in to get a Christmas tree for him as a gift.  He's been flooding facebook with woe is me messages and the family is flocking to him.  Where I honestly hope he is completely devastated by this because I relish in his misery. 

 

So in times of family deaths do you throw out all past transgressions?  Do you just simply act as a support system for someone that you despise?  I know that at the wake in a few hours he's going to be making himself out as the victim and getting our family to come to his aid, when I'll still just not acknowledge his existence.  I've already had one of my sisters try and yell at me about my unwillingness to show sympathy to him.  As a said earlier I'll be there for my half brother whatever he needs even though we aren't close the same for her kid.  However, I won't be broken up about her death personally and I won't feel sympathy for her brother.

[Snaggle Von Swift]

Every day I think about running. Just going somewhere new and starting over. Leaving everything and everyone behind, no contact with anyone. Go somewhere where nobody knows me and I don't know anyone. The only thing that is stopping me are my niece and nephew.

[zacaroo21]

I think your stance on this man shouldn't change in the long run, nor do I think you need to pitch in if you don't care to, but at least acknowledge him and give him your condolences on his loss. Even the shittiest of people deserve that.

[Guest]

you don't need me to tell you, but that all just sounds shitty

does your family understand that you've distanced yourself from any good will or even relationship with him prior to this? it certainly seems so, in which case, also seems surprising that they're on you about all of this. 

it sucks when people die. it also sucks when those people also suck.

 

Every day I think about running. Just going somewhere new and starting over. Leaving everything and everyone behind, no contact with anyone. Go somewhere where nobody knows me and I don't know anyone. The only thing that is stopping me are my niece and nephew.

 

i've been through that. for a while, every time i went for a hike i would have visions of just vanishing. "what if i didn't stop walking? just left my car here? how far could i go, and how long would it take someone to notice?"

[maneatingcow]

I left the wake without punching him, so that is a good thing.  I did have to walk out for a bit because I was getting close to wanting to.  He was doing exactly what I thought he would and was trying to turn his sisters death into a pity fest for him. 

 

He was walking around and I saw him try and make eye contact with me and I just turned around and tried making it obvious I was avoiding him.  He comes around the other side and immediately goes for a hug.  Not wanting to make a scene I swallow my rage and half ass a hug.  At this point I'm completely just trying to keep back the rage buy I managed to utter "How are you doing" and he goes into a long story about how he is devastated.  After a bit I just interupt and ask how the deceased's son is doing.  To that he says that I'm sure hes doing good, it's me that is really devastated.  At that point I just walk away and go outside for a few minutes.  Afterwards we went out for pizza and got to discuss how rude I was the him.  So fucked.

 

Later that night I found out that the kids dad didn't tell her that his mom died he just sent the kid to school so all of his classmates ended up telling him that his mom is dead.  That just seems fucked beyond belief.  I feel terrible for this kid.

 

Now I get to head out to the church part of the funeral and I don't care what it takes I am keeping a 50 foot barrier between me and my fucking terrible nephew. 

[abovetheearth]

Every day I think about running. Just going somewhere new and starting over. Leaving everything and everyone behind, no contact with anyone. Go somewhere where nobody knows me and I don't know anyone. The only thing that is stopping me are my niece and nephew.

 

in all seriousness...ive done this. but i can tell you one thing.

at my age, it will catch up to you, this running talk. it will find you on a quiet dark night and creep in your brain and haunt you.

i moved back.

[noalarmplanet]

My biggest fear is accomplishing nothing. Sometimes that fear wins.