chamb117 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 +1 to this thread for some hilarious reading. i would post my only relevant story but it's basically a carbon copy of 500 days of summer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aflycon Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think I've posted this before somewhere, but here goes: I "dated" this girl in10th grade and everyone who knew I dated her called her corpse bride in my front of me cause she was hot topic and goth as hell and I ended up not dating her for long. 5+ years later and we start talking because she likes La Dispute, and shes absolutely gorgeous and despite her love for raves (I reeeeeeally don't get going to raves and doing drugs and spinning your hands with flasy lights and hula hoops and acid), I was totally into her again. So we went on a cute date where she had Thai food for the first time (a sin in itself, I know) and went back and watched arrested development and made out a little! She had driven this night because I couldn't get a car (#weak), and she drives this modded really ugly color volkswagen and shes obsessed with cars and shit. She had other plans that night so she had to drive me home. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she ran back into the house to get something. She left the door open and it was cold as fuck outside so I thought I'd turn the car on to turn the heat on. I turned the car on from the passenger seat, and it jumped into drive and smashed into her garage, breaking a support beam in her house. I never got a second date. Your story is funny, but somehow not nearly as funny as the .gif in your signature. God damn it that is hilarious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerseydave77 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 When I was in High School I had my palm read and was told I'd have three true loves in my life. I'm on #3 now so happiness is from here on out. Anyway, I met the girl I consider my first true love at an At The Drive In show in Gainesville. This was long before they were popular so finding a nice gal in a small crowd was easy. We had mutual friends and interests and we hit it off that night and went into a pretty passionate relationship. She got accepted into the Peace Corp and I wanted to wait for her but she felt two years was too long and that we'd be different people by the time we reunited. She was probably right on that. So we dated until the day she left and then I let my heart break. The country she was in broke out in war and she came back to the US only eight months later. We'd been writing letters back and forth and had kept in close touch. I suppose I was naive to think that we'd get back together right away but I didn't expect what happened next. She got back together with a dude she'd dated a long time before me, a member of the board-favorite but horrendous band JEW (who I won't name). I was so damn crushed that she didn't even consider me. Six months later he dumped her and she came back to me saying it was a mistake and asking to get back together. Despite my strong feelings I told her no, she'd had her chance and made a choice she had to live with. It wasn't easy to do since my feelings were still strong but I knew I'd always be questioning that moment in our lives. We are still friends all these years later. I can't even get into the moments we've been supportive of one another. I attribute it to having been in true love as opposed to a fling - this connection has always made me wonder a little bit as well since it isn't common. Fast forward years after and I am married to her former roommate - my third love - but that is an entirely different story and since she isn't an Ex it doesn't belong here. Daniel Dopp 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captainaldous Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I have to go to school now but when I get back, I can't wait to share my "high school sweetheart," story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dkrtz Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Going on six years and I'm still happily with the person I fell for at age 16. Keeping together through teenage years and distance caused countless of these stories, on both of our ends, but they've all been worth it. Besides, we'll both probably always be a little crazy lol. jtcohenour 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Satan Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I already know, you walked in on Jason and Tasha after a night of drunk dad/son bonding time and you guys both beat the fuck out of Jason, who wasn't even the father, and then you and drunk dad became lovers, Tasha became a drug addict and hooker. Edit: Nevermind I think that was a Jerry Spring episode. How the actual fuck did you know that her name was Tasha, and the babys dad is Jason? I'm not even joking because those are the actual names. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
̮ ɤ ̮ Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Erm... you mentioned it? tittus 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Avatar Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 hahahahahahahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelby Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 How the actual fuck did you know that her name was Tasha, and the babys dad is Jason? I'm not even joking because those are the actual names. Aliens dude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Satan Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Erm... you mentioned it? Oof. Goddammit. I was ddrinking and watching jurassic park when I posted that and when I browsed the thread when I woke up and saw the names, my jaw dropped and jumped to a conclusion without thinking. WHOOPS!! Black Phillip 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dkrtz Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Wake-and-bake is fine, man, but maybe consider Hotpockets instead of yourself next time lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GradedOnACurve Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I had an ex-girlfriend who once threw her 500 pound mom's shit stained panties at me. That relationship didn't last long. Daniel Dopp, hobohunter48, tittus and 9 others 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abovetheearth Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 POTY Rip, Werner Herzog, hippielauryn and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelby Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 There's a point when I transition from calling them panties to calling them drawers. That is well past the point. GradedOnACurve, Daniel Dopp, tittus and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dantheriver Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 There's a point when I transition from calling them panties to calling them drawers. That is well past the point. Daniel Dopp, GradedOnACurve, deafening and 9 others 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
horrorbusiness138 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I had an ex-girlfriend who once threw her 500 pound mom's shit stained panties at me. That relationship didn't last long. Blechhhh!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Family Friendly Rap God Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 SpazzyMcGee 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Out of Breath Records Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 How the actual fuck did you know that her name was Tasha, and the babys dad is Jason? I'm not even joking because those are the actual names. Still laughing. Satan 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captainaldous Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Aliens dude Rip and sinisterkidd 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emptyhanded Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 My first ex was a helpless person who literally couldn't do anything for herself so there are plenty of stories for that one. The second ex was not as helpless but so crazy that it was even worse. In a very abbreviated story, she spit a mouthful of alcohol in my face (after hooking up with my friend) and chased me and my current girlfriend down the sidewalk of my college campus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Out of Breath Records Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 My first ex was a helpless person who literally couldn't do anything for herself so there are plenty of stories for that one. The second ex was not as helpless but so crazy that it was even worse. In a very abbreviated story, she spit a mouthful of alcohol in my face (after hooking up with my friend) and chased me and my current girlfriend down the sidewalk of my college campus. Abbreviated stories are not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerseydave77 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 The second significant ex in my life is someone who's heart I broke. We'd been together five years and by the end we both drank too much - her more so than me - but neither of us were Angels. She started to hit me when drunk and I withheld physical affection. The last straw was the night I got the call that one of my oldest friends had Overdosed and died. I didn't want to be alone but when I went to wake her she was so drunk I couldn't. I walked the streets of Brooklyn until 4am openly crying. I decided that night to end it and clean up my life. Well as we were breaking up I met another girl who was instantly the positive force I needed. It is still cheating and I live with that guilt but yes, I was with someone else by the time we moved out from being with each other. Sobering took a long time and I got smashed a few weeks later and punched my hand shattering a mirror the night of my friends memorial show at CBGB. I sat on the side walk crying harder than I ever have, drunk, hand pouring blood onto the sidewalk when my friend walked up with bandages he bought at the pharmacy and started patching me up. He told me to call my new girl knowing she was good for me and on that call I promised to get a therapist. I did that the next day and really turned shit around. I broke one heart in the way we broke up but Married the next girl. So things worked out. jayteamanis, GradedOnACurve, chamb117 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emptyhanded Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I didn't really feel like typing it all out, but I really don't feel like working on this take home exam so: My first ex, like I said before, couldn't do anything for herself. She took all of science courses with me, so I could tutor her, which was the only way she'd pass them. I used to get screamed at all the time for "not trying hard enough to help her". Anyway, she didn't have many friends on campus, so she tried to pledge one of the sororities on campus. I was the only one encouraging her to do that (because, if she had friends, that would've meant I could actually go out and do things - this was another one of those relationships that I didn't end because I felt too bad). All 3 times she tried and pledge, she would drop out for whatever reason. I finally ended things because I broke my ankle one night and she refused to bring me to the hospital and made me call an ambulance. She went to all of the people at the sorority and told them that I was abusive and wouldn't let her have friends or something. the other one was just white trash. We had gone through a period where I tried to break up with her, told her we could try and be friends because I didn't know how to make her leave me alone at the time. She would randomly show up in room (I didn't really lock my door much in college) and scream at me. So I finally broke up with her, and met my current girlfriend about a week afterwards. I had to hear all about I was cheating on her the whole time, blah blah (I wasn't). so a few months later, I was officially going out with my current girlfriend. About a week into the new relationship, I was hanging out with 2 friends. One was underage so we couldn't go the bars or anything, so we tried to go play some pool at the college's cafe. Of course, my ex was on the table - I tried to just leave but somehow she came over and started talking to us. I went to the bathroom to chug a few beers and try to forget it, because, well what else would a college student do. I came outside and found out that my ex and my new girl had killed 1/5th of parrot bay or whatever in like 5 minutes. So she kept saying that "she couldn't go back to her room, because she was drunk and her room mate wouldn't let her back in". - side note: I knew she would be shitty fucking drunk, because I once watched her take 4 shots in 2 hours and then shit on the floor - She wasn't being too shitty, so my friends let her come out with us despite me begging them not to. We got back to friend's place and everyone went upstairs except me and my gf (she thought I was mad about something else so we were just talking it out). My friend comes down the stairs and tells me that my ex was making out with his friend upstairs, which I laughed off because I knew she was trying to make me jealous and I didn't care much. I really just wanted to piss her off so she'd leave. We were standing in a circle sharing a bottle of some kind of shitty liquor, and I randomly looked at friend and said "hey, how does if feel to hook up with my sister and my ex girlfriend!?" and gave him a hi-five. That's when I caught a faceful of spit and liquor. Trying to keep my composure (I obviously didn't want my new gf to see me do anything I'd regret later) and we went to get food. She said a lot of stupid shit the whole time but its not really important. But she kept trying to sleep in my room (along with my girlfriend) so it was getting weird. My friend told me to just make a run for it, if I got an opening. So we get back on campus, and she starts puking in the car, which is when I get out and start trying to shuttle my gf to my dorm room (she was very drunk and in heels). I look back and the ex is charging us at full speed screaming at us, but I'm not too worried. My friend was chasing her, just trying to grab her/slow her down, but with his momentum, he tackled her into a bush at full speed. I wanted to sit and laugh, but she had bloodlust, or rabies, or something, I don't know. She lost her shoes and everything out of her pockets but got up and kept charging at us. I scanned into my dorm and closed the door about half a second before she was right outside banging on the door screaming a bunch of crazy shit at me. I am now realizing that this story is not nearly as funny when typed out as it is when I normally tell it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladew1ll1s1sdead Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 The second significant ex in my life is someone who's heart I broke. We'd been together five years and by the end we both drank too much - her more so than me - but neither of us were Angels. She started to hit me when drunk and I withheld physical affection. The last straw was the night I got the call that one of my oldest friends had Overdosed and died. I didn't want to be alone but when I went to wake her she was so drunk I couldn't. I walked the streets of Brooklyn until 4am openly crying. I decided that night to end it and clean up my life. Well as we were breaking up I met another girl who was instantly the positive force I needed. It is still cheating and I live with that guilt but yes, I was with someone else by the time we moved out from being with each other. Sobering took a long time and I got smashed a few weeks later and punched my hand shattering a mirror the night of my friends memorial show at CBGB. I sat on the side walk crying harder than I ever have, drunk, hand pouring blood onto the sidewalk when my friend walked up with bandages he bought at the pharmacy and started patching me up. He told me to call my new girl knowing she was good for me and on that call I promised to get a therapist. I did that the next day and really turned shit around. I broke one heart in the way we broke up but Married the next girl. So things worked out. Yo I teared up at this. I'm happy for you, man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Out of Breath Records Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yo I teared up at this. I'm happy for you, man. Same, I want to read a book called: GentlemanJerseyDave: Three Love Stories Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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